Happy Valentine’s Day to Me

If you’ve never tried Audibles, they give you a free 30 day trial period with the first purchase free.  So, I got Richard whispering Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116 in my ear for free (something I would have paid good money for).  That almost makes up for seeing 50 Shades of Grey yesterday.  As they say, that which has been seen cannot be unseen, but I will drown it out with poetry.

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A Date for Valentine’s Day

This year I’ve been looking forward to Valentine’s Day.  Quite a shift for me.  Not only is it a holiday, which usually jump-starts my bipolar teeter totter, but this holiday in particular blows a sloppy raspberry in every single person’s face.  But, this year… this year… someone’s waiting for me.

We’ve planned this day for months with little teases and tempts.  Little reminders.  Sometimes a preview or two of what we plan to do once we finally get together.  Anticipation is the most delightful of foreplays.

Now that the day has finally arrived, I’m remarkably calm.  I’ll spend my morning as I always do, then go to him.

And when the lights go down, and we’re gazing into each other’s eyes, I’ll know that Valentine’s Day won’t be a day to avoid anymore.

It will be a Good Day.

Distracting the Toddler

I made it through Valentine’s Day and, I think, the worst of this current depression.  I had to navigate death-thoughts for a while, which is my signal to engage in some serious distraction.  So, I dug money out of my emergency stash, drove to Des Moines, and camped out at the cinema multiplex.  Once I paid my $6.50, I roamed from theater to theater and ended up seeing two lame movies—The Woman in Black and The Journey 2.  Meh.

When the depression is overwhelming, like it was yesterday, quality doesn’t matter as much as quantity.  I need something to keep my forebrain occupied for an extended period of time.  It’s like feeding a toddler by flying the spoon around like an airplane.  The depression can’t look at the pretty pictures and make me miserable at the same time. Driving home in the dark, I felt exhausted, but calmer.

This morning I woke up after three hours of sleep—insomnia being another one of depression’s gifts.  But the agitation I experienced yesterday is milder.  Today will be easier to manage.  Unless, of course, it isn’t.  Toddlers can be so unpredictable.  I may have to use hand puppets.

Valentine-less

For someone prone to loneliness and conditioned to want a White Knight, Valentine’s Day without a valentine stinks.  It doesn’t help that the depression is back just enough to crank up the anxiety and agitation or that my medical bills from surgery and allergy testing are pecking at me like harpies.

I am uncomfortable today in several ways, and feel myself thrashing around trying to ease the pain.  I will not be skillful at this today, nor heroic, nor a Bad-Ass of any kind.  But, I will get through it.  This unfortunate day will pass, and another will come, and another.  I will be the thread that ties them all together.

So, to comfort myself today, and maybe anyone else who is valentine-less, I offer this beautiful song.

14 Days of Valentines: Day 14

Here’s hoping love is all around you today.

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14 Days of Valentines: Day 13

Another triple delight as you prepare for love in all its forms.

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14 Days of Valentines: Day 11

A Triple Delight for your weekend pleasure.

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14 Days of Valentines: Day 10

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14 Days of Valentines: Day 9

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14 Days of Valentines: Day 8

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