Or, maybe, a season is done.
Whatever the metaphor, I’ve put closure to a few major events in my life—healing from surgery, Callinda, and celebrating Callinda. Now it’s time to regroup, refocus and point myself in the next direction.
To do that, I turn to my Bipolar Bad-Ass Training, which seems odd since I’m not coming out of a bipolar episode. But, the last six weeks threw my normal routine out the window, and Bad-Assery is all about putting routine back in place and setting focus.
I was thrilled that I got all the party left-overs out of my apartment before I indulged in more than one binge. Saturday night, I was exhausted after cleaning and schlepping. All I wanted to do was self-medicate with food and go numb in front of the TV, which I did. But, the next morning I gave away the rest of the left-overs or threw them in the dumpster. Better in there than in me.
Getting too tired, too emotional, or too rigid are guaranteed triggers of my compulsive eating. I’m pleased that I minimized the damage and am back to Paying Attention in this area.
Stamina and Strength
I’ve returned to my 6:00 AM water aerobics class. I can still feel some soreness, and I’m not as fast or strong as when I left six weeks ago, but I’m back. I know that a huge part of my quick recovery is due to my level of fitness going into surgery. That feels wonderful. Me? Fit? Who woulda thunk it?
The next physical issue to address will be my shoulder, reinjured when I swam laps in December. My chiropractor suggested I get an MRI to check for structural damage, so I have an appointment to see my medical doc in a few weeks.
My basic priorities remain the same—Write, Make Art and Make a Life. Today I started working on what I’m calling my Bad-Assery manuscript—my experience as a bipolar warrior. Lots of work to be done, lots of research to explore, but today I started.
For the next month or so, I’ll be devoting my art time to drawing. I can feel a big boulder of resistance in my gut over this, but just like I pushed through my fear of writing, I can push through my fear of drawing. Each time I pick up my pencil, I will feel the resistance and push back, just a little bit. Holding this tension will strengthen my Will and give me more energy to push back the next time. Growing my Will is important. It will help me to push back against my compulsive impulses when they rise. Anyway I can do that deserves time and attention.
For me, making a life means finding ways to be in the community. Tutoring kids was too stressful and helping at the Animal Rescue League was too sad. So, I stopped at the library today to see if they could use a volunteer. I’ll talk to the person in charge about details tomorrow. There’s also my involvement in TOPS and the Unitarian Universalist group. A Life is definitely being made.
Lay in Supplies
There are chores and maintenance items to attend to, things I let go because I either wasn’t strong enough after surgery, didn’t have the time while planning for the party, or didn’t have the money. It’s time to take care of those things.
Refocus. Regroup. Take stock. And take the next step.