This is my work today: To start finding ways to love living in Oklahoma instead of hating it. I know there’s a way to do it. Or ways. I might need help, so if anyone has ideas—trite, condescending, stupid-sounding—I want to hear them. They will make me mad. I won’t want to listen. I will clutch my perceived Truths until my fingers bleed. And I need to let go if I’m going to survive.
I don’t just want to survive. I want to thrive. How do I do that when I’m filled with loathing? Well, I can’t. I need to find the drain plug on all the disappointment, judgment, rage and hopelessness. Fast. I need a brand new perspective, one that hasn’t occurred to me yet. One the Bipolar Badass never imagined.
•Make a list of what I hate most and decide if those things are manageable or not. If they are, I can brainstorm another list on how to change them. If they aren’t, I must find a way to manage me.
•At the same time, focus on what I love and am grateful for. A new art journal spread is calling.
•Start re-reading Radical Acceptance as this book opened me to accepting myself. I know there are other treasures there.
•Manage my illness. There are things other than art that make my bipolarness easier. I need to identify them and gently reincorporate them until they become routine again.
This is a lot. Maybe too much to begin with. But, today I will start.
I’ve always said that Life is an Adventure. I want to come back to that perspective, and to find the next outgrowth of that perspective. What is the next thing? I will search and listen, be active and be quiet, breathe and wait. I’ll find it.
I know I will.