With the return of my bipolar symptoms comes an opportunity to begin working with my compulsive behaviors in a new way. What I’ve discovered so far is that agitation seems to be the underlying energy for the compulsive eating and spending as well as the restlessness and urge to “Get Out of Dodge” that sends me tooling down the highways.
In a bit of synchronicity, Vivien over at ManicMuses just posted a piece about new emergency room treatment of agitation in psychiatric patients, which got me thinking more about the shape and origin of agitation. I’ve also heard from other folks who live with bipolar disorder that this type of mixed state can be fairly common.
This from Wikipedia:
In the context of mental disorder, a mixed state (also known as dysphoric mania, agitated depression, or a mixed episode) is a condition during which symptoms of mania and depression occur simultaneously (e.g., agitation, anxiety, fatigue, guilt, impulsiveness, irritability, morbid or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, pressured speech and rage). Typical examples include tearfulness during a manic episode or racing thoughts during a depressive episode. One may also feel incredibly frustrated or be prone to fits of rage in this state, since one may feel like a failure and at the same time have a flight of ideas. Mixed states are often the most dangerous period of mood disorders, during which susceptibility to substance abuse, panic disorder, commission of violence, suicide attempts, and other complications increase greatly.
Yes, this would be me.
In a way, I’m relieved to learn that a mixed state is serious and difficult to treat. It pumps up my ego to know that I’m fighting a worthy adversary and helps me take in stride all the times the compulsion simply runs me over. Learning a new way to work with this agitated energy won’t be easy. There are no other guidelines out there except the use of powerful drugs.
The results of a mixed state are the scariest, craziest part of bipolar disorder for me. I feel like something takes possession of my body and my brain, and there’s nothing I can do except ride along until I’m released. The impulses are so strong, and the drive to flee from them so ingrained, that it will take time and much effort to even begin to imagine something else. But, that’s what I’m doing.
When I’m able, I get still, either by sitting in a comfortable chair or lying on my bed. I breathe. I start to explore where the agitation manifests in my body. Sometimes I feel it in my gut, sometimes my chest, and sometimes it seems to be only in my head. And then, I stay with that sense of placement for as long as I’m able—sometimes just a few moments.
When the compulsions are already in control, I try to at least acknowledge them, watch them as they push me into eating or spending or fleeing. When I resist, the compulsion only grows, so instead I try to choose a lesser target (Subway instead of Dairy Queen, buying one item online instead of a dozen).
I’m also using meditation as much as I can, but there’s a resistance to that as well. I’m not sure what part of me is fighting this very useful tool, but I find I “forget” to meditate a lot and brush it off when I do think of it. This resistance is something else to learn from, I think.
So, while being symptomatic again truly sucks, there are lessons to learn and maps to chart.
I’m on an Adventure.
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