As I work with less Making and more Space to allow whatever arises, I find the
art that calls me rich with meaning and joy. I’m holding a tentative idea about making little boxed sets of tiny (1 1/2 X 2 inches) Penny Positives—like this sweet thing that sprouted this morning.
The Weekly Penny Positive
09 Oct 2019 7 Comments
in awareness, bipolar disorder, management, mental health, mental illness, mixed-media art, quality of life, spiritual practice Tags: Penny Positives
Another Conversation
03 Oct 2019 2 Comments
in art, awareness, bipolar disorder, distorted thinking, fantasy, management, mental health, mental illness, mixed-media art
“There’s so much space here,” she said.
His eyes smiled. You’re not afraid anymore.
“Is that weird? It happened so fast.”
It’s happened before.
“I thought there was something really wrong.”
You thought there was something missing.
“I always think there’s something missing.”
Always? No.
“I feel calm here… content.”
There’s nothing to do, nothing to want, nothing to change…
“I don’t want to leave. Not yet. If I leave now, it makes what brought me here not real—not serious.”
It was real then. Doesn’t have to be real now. His head tilted like a crow. Does it feel time to leave?
“Maybe. I don’t want to rush. I don’t want to rush anything.”
Like the art.
“Yes. I’m letting it in—the pieces that call me. Not the stuff that feels like work. Some of it smells bad.”
He smiled. Anxiety-stink.
“Yes. Exactly.”
If you go, you can always come back. You could come sit with us. Anytime.
“That feels right. I’d like that.”
Stay or leave or do both. We’ll be here.
•
A Conversation in the Void
02 Oct 2019 2 Comments
in art, art journaling, bipolar disorder, distorted thinking, fantasy, management, mental health, mental illness, writing
“Where have you been?” she asked him.
You left me, remember? Said it was easier.
His eyes were still kind, his voice still quiet. But she couldn’t read him anymore. And she couldn’t believe she was trying to. “Why are you back?”
His face shrugged. You called.
“I did not.”
Okay. You called out. So we came.
Startled, she peered into the dim behind him. Figures stood there, waiting. Figures she recognized. “All of them?” she whispered.
He half-turned. Most of us.
“It’s a mistake.”
One side of his mouth quirked up. Is it?
“I can’t do this again. It’s too hard.”
You’ve said that before.
“I do other things now. I don’t need you.”
How’s that working out?
“It’s the same story over and over.”
So, change the story.
“I’ve tried. It stays the same.”
Some parts. Not all of it.
“I don’t want to.”
Ah. He took a breath. You’ve said that before, too.
She pressed her hands against the sides of her head. “I don’t know what to do.”
Good. He smiled. That’s good. Maybe we can help. If you let us.
He raised his hands in surrender. Only if you want us to. No pressure. We’ll wait back here.
“I won’t be able to leave you alone if you stay.”
His kind eyes found hers. I know.
•
The Weekly Penny Positive
01 Oct 2019 5 Comments
in anxiety, art, awareness, bipolar disorder, distorted thinking, management, mental health, mental illness, music, video Tags: Carlos Nakai, delusion
Even though I’m not arting right now (and sitting very uncomfortably in that Void), I’ve made almost 120 larger Penny Positives. Since this is #67, I can keep posting them for a while.
This blank space is very weird. My mind scrambles to pick something up. Anxiety burns my gut and my sleep. Breathing helps. Listening to my old collection of “sound healing” music helps (Steven Halpern, Jonathan Goldman, Carlos Nakai), paying attention to the discomfort helps. I have to believe this is an incubation period. I have to trust that this is a process. Otherwise, I’m just left with delusion and distorted thinking. What is truth and what is insanity? I never know.
So, I wait.
•
Void
30 Sep 2019 11 Comments
in anxiety, art, awareness, bipolar disorder, creativity, depression, distorted thinking, mental health, mental illness, quality of life
Slowly, over the past several months, the desire to make dribbled out of me until yesterday I couldn’t stand to snip one more little piece of paper. After an SOS to my art friends, they reassured me that this happens to them, too. They suggested changing mediums, lying fallow for a time, or taking up something radically different.
I started a drawing class at our local art guild, hoping for social contact and a reconnect of some kind with an old skill that I used to love. Neither wish has been granted so far, despite sweaty effort to clear a path through my mental minefields.
I’m frightened. Arting is my last, best safety net, the place I can always go when the bipolar demons scream the loudest. It’s gone for now, and I can’t imagine what to do with this void or how I’ll manage.
I’m bone and brain tired, so I know enough not to make more of this than it is. Something will present itself. There’s plenty of room for it to wander in. Until then, I guess I wait with empty hands.
A Spot of Coppery Sunshine in a Gray Sky
18 Sep 2019 7 Comments
in art, bipolar disorder, depression, distorted thinking, gratitude, management, mental health, mental illness, mixed-media art Tags: dreams, glue cards, Gratitude List, hope, Penny Positives, suicidal ideation
It was a hard morning—one where the amphetamine doesn’t work and suicidal thoughts fill my empty cup. I tried arting at the Starbucks in Tulsa, but couldn’t summon any interest, so started home sooner than expected.
As I drove I remembered that I’d dreamt about Barack and Michelle Obama two nights in a row. In the dreams, I was happy, hopeful, and part of a positive flow. I thought, “Okay, this is where I need to take my brain today.”
As the negative images resurfaced, I summoned President Obama’s cheerful face, talking to me like a friend. I felt the lightness of my dream-heart and the sense of rightness.
This spot of brightness in my gray morning reminded me of a project I’m working on—making sets of tiny Penny Positives like the ones I make each year for my friend Sarah. I found tiny plastic sleeves to keep them protected and little paper mâché boxes that a set of 50 will fit into. I planned to label the boxes “Penny Positives: A Spot of Coppery Sunshine for a Gray Sky.”
I also remembered that I’d sent both President Obama and President Carter Gratitude Postcards last week, telling them how much hope they add to my life. I’m thinking I will spend time this afternoon making a new Gratitude List. Maybe more people on that list will seep into my dreams, which might give my brain additional hopeful rest stops.
I’m better now—tired and slow-witted, but that part of depression isn’t nearly as frightening or dangerous as the Black Thoughts. There’s a sense of being more skilled than my Black Thoughts let me believe, and there’s gratitude for that.
This Bipolar Highway is never-ending and ever-changing. It seems like I’m being called to build more Comfort Stations now. And the more I can build, the longer the Adventure continues.
Gratitude Snapshot
15 Sep 2019 10 Comments
in awareness, bipolar disorder, cats, gratitude, mental health, mental illness, mixed-media art, quality of life, relationships, teachers
Sitting at my desk, mellow and comfortably in the middle of my bipolar spectrum, Emmett’s tail touches my leg in a whisper. Rhythmic, gentle, it asks for attention. But his little bowl holds fresh food, so I wait, knowing my non-answer will send him to investigate.
Our communication is easier without Henry. While I still miss my Companion, I give thanks for this time with Emmett—to offer him more and to open to his lessons.
There is only Today, this Moment—the quiet of a Sunday morning, the rumble of a train, a clock ticking, the faintest whiff of vinegar from my cleaning lady’s efforts.
The air conditioner kicks on. Time to settle into a project for the day.
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