Waiting

Waiting is a practice. Not one I’m good at. Especially when it feels like something with claws is trying to get out of my chest.

I came to Starbucks a little after 6am, clutching my little journal, hoping against my demon-judgment hope for a revelation. Even after checking off so many things on my self-care list yesterday, the hot itch remained. There must be a brain ointment out there somewhere!

As I wrote, I figured 3 more weeks until I see my shrink again and we do the next thing on his list. The despair swamped me.

Maybe if I could get a normal night’s sleep. I’ve been waking up at 1:00-2:00am, then have nothing I can do and no place to go for hours (I’m trying to be quiet for my sister’s sake). And then I crash at 5:00 or 6:00 in the afternoon. It just doesn’t help the whole frantic, desperate gestalt.

A page in my little journal made by my friend Tanya

I have to think positively. Tomorrow is yoga class, which will be good for my body and soul. I will hug my friend Martha.

Tuesday is massage day with one of the sweetest women I know. Misty has great technique AND she loves to laugh. She also likes me as a person and an artist, which is a different kind of soul-balm.

Wednesday is therapy day with Sonya. I know she will be distressed for me, AND that she’ll help me figure out ways to wait and more ways to cope.

Balance. Balance. Balance.

I must balance the red claws of distress and discomfort with images of Graham McTavish.

And THAT’S how a person waits.

7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lori Seavey-Christian
    Nov 28, 2021 @ 08:10:32

    Hang in there, Sandy! Better things and return to creative endeavours are ahead. Your creative community is waiting for your return when the tile is right for you.

    Reply

  2. Robert@69
    Nov 28, 2021 @ 09:39:32

    guess I’m back on WordPress again though I tried to “like” your post I read on FB which is different and longer and somehow better than this one. You Sandy Sue are the most patient person I’ve ever known

    Reply

  3. TamrahJo
    Nov 28, 2021 @ 11:01:24

    Finding a way to honor our bodies’ cycles in the mix of a 24/7 world AND the “9-5, M-F” world is a challenge – – Sounds like you have a week full of care providers to aide you in ‘tackling the challenge’ from this front or that – and, I CAN’T speak for your sister, but once my Mom quit stressing out over ‘making noise and waking me up?” worries? During which, she actually made MORE noise trying to be ‘quiet’ than if she just got up and did her thing? at 2a.m?

    Once she quit ‘worrying about how hard I work” because she finds me awake and doing things at 2 am, cuz that’s when I can best do my job, with small/no disruption to my clients/their customers?

    Once I had the kitchen counter stocked for her morning brew – ready to go with all setting right there, after supper stuff was cleaned up? So she could fix what she needed/wanted, when she awoke?

    Once I installed motion detector lights that guided her to areas as she left bed, stood up and turned towards kitchen or bathroom or living room, but that went out if not triggered again?

    Once she understood just because I open my eyes, DOESN’T mean I’m awake? That she woke up? (cuz she walks through my room to get to another room?)

    It got easier for both of us – Less stress, less worry AND more Love/acceptance of both ourselves and each others ‘rhythms’ just now – – and our rhythms change for various reasons, here and there – we just keep having the conversation – 😀

    Patience is a virtue AND sometimes? Easier to have patience once one and those one lives with, come up with a ‘plan’ that works for both best as can be done – – Hang in there!!!!!

    Reply

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