Without

I’m trying hard not to be scared.

My desire and passion for making is gone. It’s been waning for a long time, but I attributed it to depression—the part where a person loses interest in everything. I thought medication would break that open. I hoped my normal flow of ideas would unjam, and I’d WANT to art again. I didn’t think that was unreasonable.

I can’t even go through the motions. Even when my passion for making fizzled, I could still create some great stuff. Right now, the sight of my rainbow rack of ribbons distresses me further. I’ve put all my supplies out of sight (again for now, because I still believe this fundamental part of me will return).

Yesterday I tried to rattle things loose by doing something completely different. I tried using fabrics, beads, ribbons and old buttons to force my hands to wake up.

It engrossed me for a bit, but when I stopped and held it up for a long view, any desire to keep at it dropped like an elevator with cut cables.

“What the hell kind of mess is this?” I despaired. “FuckFuckFucketyFuck!”

I’m trying not to be scared. I just upped my dosage of this new medication last night as per my shrink’s original orders. And I might have to try several meds before anything works at all. I know the drill.

And I’ve never existed without arting in one form or other. I just want it back.

So, I’m trying not to be scared.

17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Marshall Wright
    Nov 25, 2021 @ 08:20:45

    I be beaming on you . . . A’ho

    Reply

  2. MarthaS
    Nov 25, 2021 @ 08:47:31

    Actually, I’d buy that card. Love you bigly. Martha

    Reply

  3. Live & Learn
    Nov 25, 2021 @ 17:24:13

    It’ll come Sandy. Just hang on.

    Reply

  4. Leslie
    Nov 26, 2021 @ 07:14:09

    You could go a couple different ways with this, but I wouldn’t be too scared just yet. Keep some ribbon and things with you to fiddle with, or put it all away out of sight. You’re on a weird swing, but it always swings back.

    Reply

  5. Val Boyko
    Nov 27, 2021 @ 15:46:17

    Sending a hug your way Sandy Sue. Know that’s it’s there .. close to your heart. Keep exploring different ways to access it. 💕🙏💕

    Reply

  6. TamrahJo
    Nov 27, 2021 @ 20:48:11

    From past reading, you’ve been sinking for awhile, and hit bottom enough to seek something different to help…thus, dearheart, I’ll remind ya – – take the amount of time you slowly sunk down until you got miserable enough seek help of a different sort – x3 or x4, BEFORE you fear ‘who you want to be has disappeared’ – just because – takes time to go down the path and time to go back up it – – :D. Take care and the ribbons look all artsy-arty to me, but then, we both know, I’m NO Expert! 😀

    Reply

  7. Kiki
    Nov 30, 2021 @ 12:13:50

    oh that’s such a scary thought – living without art….. and SO important for you. I DO hope arting as you call it will find you again – for your sake and the joy of your followers too.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog Stats

  • 180,613 hits
%d bloggers like this: