Eli from Israel asked me to make an OMG! card for him. He told me he has two cats and dreams of being a father. He also likes Maya Angelou.

Eli, if you happen to see this before the card arrives in the mail, I’m sorry to spoil the surprise. Like all the special orders I am privileged to make, they come at the exact time I need to make them.

I’m moving through another long trough where my head is filled with possible suicide options. Normally, I wait until I’m on the other side of said trough (you know. To be POSITIVE and UPLIFTING), but it feels important to share where I am now.

Maybe to name it. Maybe to ask for support. Maybe to poke holes in the red rage that encapsulates it. Maybe just to be honest.

A song came up on my iPod a few days ago that grabbed me by the throat. It was from another life when I was a different person. My friend Frank Anthony, who is dead now, singing about Light and Truth, resurrected memories of great Love and Compassion. I remembered singing with him and my friend Carol. I remembered laughing HARD with Lily. I remembered using my hands and my voice to heal and comfort. I remembered being Present.

Now I’m an angry person, more likely to say “Fuck you” than “Thank you.” I opt for numb instead of present. Those memories felt like a story I might have written long ago.

“Divination” for my Round Robin Journaling group

And yet. And yet.

Beauty can still call me back.

A young woman just walked in front of the coffee shop window with a huge bouquet of cut flowers blazing color against the rainy-gray day.

A lithe, smoky-gray cat slipped between the tires of a parked pick-up and blinked up at me with water-clear eyes.

I’m still able to breathe “Thank you” when Beauty arrives.

To me, that’s amazing.

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Val Boyko
    May 21, 2021 @ 05:38:41

    Thankful for your honest presence Sandy 💕🙏💕


  2. Sandy Sue
    May 22, 2021 @ 07:43:43

    Thanks muchly, Lori.


  3. Catherine Cheng, MD
    May 22, 2021 @ 21:29:04

    Thank you, Sandy Sue. Sending love and wishes for whatever, whomever, and however you need to hold you up.


  4. Littlesundog
    May 28, 2021 @ 17:54:56

    Honest and genuine is what I’m drawn to. Brutally honest beats fake and phony for me. You are the real deal, Sandy. I’ve always been thankful you have been the friend who didn’t bother with putting on kidskin gloves. Always, what you have to share is important.


    • Sandy Sue
      May 30, 2021 @ 08:01:16

      Thank you, Lori. I’m getting shit for it these days, so trying not to be brutal about it. Which means I keep myself to myself more. Oh well…


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