A Report from the New Normal

A friend reminded me that I hadn’t posted here in a while.  Fact is, I have nothing useful to offer.

Severe depression seems to be my new COVID-era normal.  Art can’t touch it.  Drugs rarely provide enough energy to do a load of laundry or make a run to the grocery store.  Not often enough to consider myself “functional.”

In another time and place, I would be hospitalized.  As it is, I try to keep my head down as I slog through the Suicidal Ideation mire.  One foot in front of the other.

With no other options, I am shamelessly asking for help on FaceBook—from the friends and family who know me there.  Help comes.  Groceries and prepared meals from real live people near me; in cold boxes and online deliveries from those far away.  I’ve asked that folks clean out their desks and attics for collage fodder—old pictures, papers, receipts, music sheets, letters—anything flat and weird that might kindle a spark of creative oomph.  I’ve asked them to remind me who I am to them, if I mean anything at all, since I’ve lost perspective about all that.

I can’t wait for the cycle to shift anymore.  I may get a boost now and then, but my little marble rolls back to this trough with no real mood change.  Like everyone else in the world, I have to do things differently.  I have to ask for help, not once, but repeatedly.  I have to get over the shame of that, get over my upbringing, get over myself.

Just one more fucking Adventure.

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Leslie
    Sep 04, 2020 @ 11:42:16

    Hi Sandy. I have to say that I think you are very brave! I have never managed to get the gumption to ask those I know for that kind of help. I know you must feel horrible, but damn, you still rock.

    Reply

  2. kirizar
    Sep 04, 2020 @ 11:49:13

    Hey! Let me know if I can send you a care package or something. I’m not necessary as good at picking things other people would like, but I’m going through a purge of the stuff in my house and I could easily put together a bunch of odds and ends that you might find useful. Somewhere in one of my many, many little boxes I have some buttons I bought intending them for my wedding dress over 20 years ago and never used. The buttons were beautiful, filigreed metal work. They cost a fortune, so I’ve never wanted to part with them. But I bet they would make a lovely addition to some of your creations…if only I can find where they are hidden.

    Just let me know. I can also try to Skype/Zoom call you if you need to vent. I too am struggling with mental health issues and now schooling my kid at home. So, bear in mind I am not qualified in anyway to actually improve your life. They say misery loves company, so let’s test that theory!

    Reply

  3. Live & Learn
    Sep 04, 2020 @ 15:50:14

    Nothing useful to offer. Bah!!!

    Reply

  4. Kiki
    Sep 06, 2020 @ 13:18:14

    I too have often wondered in which deep valley of your own life you’ve dipped Sandy – and as someone who doesn’t do any social medias – I had no news from you. But this doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking of you, hoping that you are able to chase those demons and wishing for you to surface….. I wish you strength, courage, friends to be there for you, and I’m not forgetting you.

    Reply

  5. Littlesundog
    Sep 07, 2020 @ 07:50:24

    Today will be our last day (I hope) of horrible heat and humidity. I can vouch that does not help the mind-set at all. For me, it’s been a long summer of miserable heat, insects, and not enough breeze and I know it’s worse in your neck with the humidity. All of the little nuances of life matter when it comes to our well-being.

    If you are interested, I have a small box of old greeting cards that I saved when we were going through the rock house where Forrest’s grandparents lived. Most are from the 40’s and 50’s I would guess. For some reason I couldn’t throw them out being so vintage, so maybe you could find creative uses for them? Let me know. I’ll mail them pronto!

    Reply

  6. kirizar
    Sep 07, 2020 @ 20:28:32

    Sandy,

    If you could send me an address, I’ll mail you a care package just as soon as I can get to a post office. I’m facing my own emotional struggles during COVID and, while I can’t entirely feel your pain, I feel some of the stressors piling up. This will be my first week without an ABA aide to help with my son. I just spent the last three days with him and now I have to teach him at home and not get a break. I’ve been doing a lot of online game playing as a result.

    Stay as strong as you possibly can. But I know, it is hard to do that in a depressive state. Functioning at low bar might be the goal on a given day.

    Yours truly,

    Kiri

    Reply

  7. Michelle at The Green Study
    Sep 08, 2020 @ 10:38:05

    Hello, old friend. I’ll be in touch soon. I’m challenged with all the overcommunicating that happens now and feel myself shutting down frequently, but I rise to the occasion when needed. You are remembered and thought of and it sounds like this might be an occasion.

    Reply

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