Storm Chasing

Well, that was a Big One, a Black Brain-Storm that hurricaned up my coast.  When I say “Big,” I mean lengthy.  I manage all right with depressive episodes that last a couple of weeks, but when they stretch out longer than that, I… well… there’s no other way to put it.  I lose my shit.

I also lose time.  How long did it take to sweep through my mental landscape?  A month? Two?  I lose the shape of individual storm cells, delineated by these little bursts of clear sky.  They start to moosh together until it seems as if Black is all there is. I know that’s not true, but I can’t remember the sunny skies unless I look back in my journal or ask someone else.

The Big Fat Lying Brain starts to sound really savvy.  Some of those awful thoughts might be true.  After all, they’re just an Edward Gorey version of what usually rummages around my gray matter.  Paranoia trickles in like lizard sweat.  It’s really not a pleasant place, my brain.

How-some-ever, the inside-skies cleared yesterday, so I’ve got time to get ready for the next blow.  I will be taking a drawing class for the next three weeks during the time I would normally see my therapist (it’s one of those Good News/Bad News situations), but she’s available by phone, so I shan’t worry.

I’m also trying to take teeny-tiny steps in a positive direction: drink a glass of water when I get up in the morning, commit to swimming on Thursday mornings, and choose Subway instead of other take-out.

I’m still searching for the Muskogee Routine and hope this will be a start.  Small additions.  Tiny sandbags in the dike wall.

I always feel better with a plan, whether I can carry it out or not.  Incremental turns toward wellness feels gentle.

And I’m all for a Gentle Adventure.

13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. MarthaS
    Sep 05, 2019 @ 14:05:29

    Your art is so very cool. What happens to it after you post it? Martha

    Reply

  2. Marcela
    Sep 05, 2019 @ 20:30:13

    “Gentle Adventure”. I like that.

    Reply

  3. Kiki
    Sep 06, 2019 @ 04:06:37

    My god, you are such a gifted writer. I love reading you, and although it’s about your uphill struggle in your life, it’s just so incredibly well written. You should be published, with your artwork strewn in. Has nobody ever suggested that to you?

    Virginia Woolf, or closer to your home, Sylvia Plath, move over, Sandy Sue is coming…. Sending you love and courage, day after day. You are a treasure. K

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Sep 06, 2019 @ 10:12:03

      Thanks for your kind words, Kiki. For a long while, I worked on a memoir, but found that revisiting ancient history was too painful and overwhelming. I was published in a magazine once, and nearly got a novel published. It’s a hard business to crack, so I’m satisfied with what I’ve done—mostly this blog, where I can tie all my obsessions together.

      Reply

      • Kiki
        Sep 08, 2019 @ 12:02:43

        What if, Sandy Sue, you’d just continue to write and art-work as you do now and ‘just so’ have all the posts on the ready IF and WHEN the occasion should arise. No need to revisit past, hurtful, painful experiences. It’s all there – I’m sure you could make it a book. Because it honestly deserves to be read by far more people!
        Just look at your last sentence: I can tie all my obsessions together! 5*

      • Sandy Sue
        Sep 09, 2019 @ 09:16:20

        Bless you, Kiki. It’s all here for those who stumble across it—like my Etsy shop. I’m tickled when folks buy my cards, but the shop is a place for me share what I love doing.

  4. Writer Lori
    Sep 06, 2019 @ 04:10:25

    Welcome back, Sandy. I’ve missed you….

    Reply

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