Lonely

After seeing Avengers: Endgame on Friday, I’ve been profoundly moved.  I know it’s fan-girly, maybe bipolar, definitely grief.  I don’t think I’m giving anything away by saying that.  We all knew there was a Phase One in the Marvel-verse that was coming to an end with this movie.  It is superbly executed.

Something’s come to an end with me, too—some fracture in the way fantasy has soothed me in the past.  Pretend Boyfriends don’t call to me the way they used to.  Barely a whisper anymore.  And so rare.

It’s left me feeling lonely and hollow.

This song came up on my iPod yesterday as I worked in my art journal, trying to feel some connection to the other people at the coffee shop.  I played it on a loop until I could cry, until I could let myself feel all I was feeling.  I think Cap would understand.

Ω

It’s not your eyes
It’s not what you say
It’s not your laughter that gives you away
You’re just lonely
You’ve been lonely, too long
All your actin’
Your thin disguise
All your perfectly delivered lies
They don’t fool me
You’ve been lonely, too long
Let me in the wall, you’ve built around
And we can light a match and burn it down
Let me hold your hand and dance ’round and ’round the flame
In front of us
Dust to
You’ve held your head up
You’ve fought the fight
You bear the scars
You’ve done your time
Listen to me
You’ve been lonely, too long
Let me in the wall, you’ve built around
And we can light a match and burn them down
And let me hold your hand and dance ’round and ’round the flames
In front of us
Dust to dust
Ω

 

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Littlesundog
    May 05, 2019 @ 08:53:41

    This fracture, it’s an evolution of sorts, I think. Sometimes it is difficult and sad to let an old comfort go. Inner spirit knows the way through. For now, recognizing the change is enough, my friend.

    Reply

  2. jinjerstanton
    Jun 04, 2019 @ 11:10:48

    For some reason I never thought to ask, what is it (was it) in the pretend boyfriends that moved you? I’m reminded of my brief passion for Rutger Hauer. I was convinced we were soul-mates. I figured out eventually that what I wanted was to be an adventurer like him.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Jun 04, 2019 @ 11:16:15

      I was always ashamed of my fan fiction, but my therapist in Des Moines helped me see that it was a way to give myself what I needed—to be someone’s Beloved, to be understood and cherished, to have a Champion when I felt unable to rescue myself.

      Reply

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