A Marker

I think I know something.  I think I feel something happening.  But, I can’t trust what I think or feel.  So I write it here to plant a marker.  Later, I can come back to this marker to learn the truth of it.  Maybe.

Maybe there is no truth, just the shifting sands of perception.  Maybe it’s best to let go of the idea of truth and simply breathe.

Yet, my mind wants to take note.  To point its finger.  To take a picture for its scrapbook.

So, I comply.

I think it takes more effort to leave my home.  Going outside, in the world, does not appeal to me.  I make plans—to join my sister’s family for Thanksgiving, to swim, to see a movie—and when the moment comes, I stay.  Being out in the world has always been hard work, a constant push against my neurodiversity.  Some days are easier than others.  Some days the barrier between in and out seems thin.  I can tell myself that I’ll be glad when I’m there, which has been accurate most of the time.  It is accurate less and less now.

When I am on my bed, with the cats sleeping between the piles of a project, with an episode of Friends or a Netflix movie running, I am content.  I laugh out loud and blink tears like any other human being.  I make beautiful and interesting things that create wonder in me.

When I am out, I am aware of how hard I am working.  I feel the effort of making conversation, the strain of blocking noise and triggers.  I’m not sure its worth the effort anymore.

Isolation is a symptom.  Every mental health caregiver in my life told me to fight against it.  What if I don’t?

What if I don’t?

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Littlesundog
    Nov 28, 2018 @ 07:56:17

    This is interesting.. and I hadn’t thought much about my need to be a hermit. It is difficult to be “out there” and it’s really not appealing to me, ever. The only times I feel good venturing out is if I find a cozy spot where I can watch from the wings. I have to take the truck for servicing today, but the dealership has a nice coffee/tv/lounge area. I like that. I can be in a small setting with other people that way. Last week we were in Nebraska visiting family. For one week I could live with family (especially my baby sister, who I love greatly), but my inner spirit felt like a wild animal out of its territory… longing to know the comfort of familiar soil. I know my most creative moments are in being alone and finding comfort in the quiet an peaceful. I believe isolation is necessary for many of us, and its ok. Why wouldn’t it be?

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Nov 29, 2018 @ 07:53:03

      As a natural introvert, it’s always been hard for me to discern the line between solitude and clinical isolation–especially when the mental health folk make such a big deal about it. My new therapist told me not to worry about it (Yaay!) and to let loneliness be a signal to get out and be with others. I like that.

      Reply

      • Littlesundog
        Nov 29, 2018 @ 09:01:27

        I like that too, Sandy. That’s just something our inner spirit advises and I believe that radar is what is best for us. We aren’t so different than the wild things…

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