The Work Starts Today

This is my work today: To start finding ways to love living in Oklahoma instead of hating it.  I know there’s a way to do it.  Or ways.  I might need help, so if anyone has ideas—trite, condescending, stupid-sounding—I want to hear them.  They will make me mad.  I won’t want to listen.  I will clutch my perceived Truths until my fingers bleed.  And I need to let go if I’m going to survive.

I don’t just want to survive.  I want to thrive.  How do I do that when I’m filled with loathing?  Well, I can’t.  I need to find the drain plug on all the disappointment, judgment, rage and hopelessness.  Fast.  I need a brand new perspective, one that hasn’t occurred to me yet.  One the Bipolar Badass never imagined.

This is what I will do today:

•Make a list of what I hate most and decide if those things are manageable or not.  If they are, I can brainstorm another list on how to change them.  If they aren’t, I must find a way to manage me.

•At the same time, focus on what I love and am grateful for.  A new art journal spread is calling.

•Start re-reading Radical Acceptance as this book opened me to accepting myself.  I know there are other treasures there.

•Manage my illness.  There are things other than art that make my bipolarness easier.  I need to identify them and gently reincorporate them until they become routine again.

This is a lot.  Maybe too much to begin with.  But, today I will start.

I’ve always said that Life is an Adventure.  I want to come back to that perspective, and to find the next outgrowth of that perspective.  What is the next thing?  I will search and listen, be active and be quiet, breathe and wait.  I’ll find it.

I know I will.

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19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kiki
    Oct 04, 2018 @ 14:59:59

    Sandy; I wish you courage, determination, humour and that you may give yourself the time you need to accomplish your high-set goals. I know it’s only words, but they mean something!

    Reply

  2. kberman
    Oct 04, 2018 @ 16:10:10

    All good goals. You are wise to focus on switching your energy. It is wasted when we hate. A little small suggestion–try reading city data site about your city and/or state. You will learn and make some connections. http://www.city-data.com/forum/. I have been blogging since 11/2004. Love it. Good luck.

    Reply

  3. Not Your Average Chick
    Oct 04, 2018 @ 21:17:17

    I too have bipolar and have hated everything my whole 40 years of existence. Ever since beginning medication, I am able to control my symptoms, ie..anger much better. But before that I taught myself a coping sentence that changed my perspective daily. That sentence was “worry about yourself”, when you actually only worry about you, what you want/need, whether you are comfortable or not, you can adjust what you can control. Possibly start there. I still use this phrase for myself 3 years later. It helps. A lot.

    Reply

  4. Writer Lori
    Oct 05, 2018 @ 05:27:35

    Sandy, as you know, I, too, just moved to a new place, and I am also struggling to embrace it. I’ve lived in New England since the late ‘80s and *never* imagined living in Florida, and the landscape is profoundly different, in every regard. It’s comforting to know that I am not alone in my struggles to make a new life in a new place. I wish you success on your list. If anyone can find a way to see things from a new, fresh angle, it’s you, of that I am confident. You will figure it out…trust yourself.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Oct 05, 2018 @ 11:45:03

      I have to find the saving grace of this place.

      Reply

      • Writer Lori
        Oct 05, 2018 @ 11:49:21

        When ya figure out how to do that, let me know!!

      • Sandy Sue
        Oct 06, 2018 @ 07:29:19

        I’m thinking winters will be when I can get out & enjoy the outdoors. Are you near water? Is that a good thing? I know Stephen King divides his time between Maine & Florida. In lieu of calling him up to have coffee (On my bucket list), maybe he’s written about that somewhere (?)

      • Writer Lori
        Oct 06, 2018 @ 07:44:41

        It’s getting a bit cooler here every morning, Sandy, making time outside more palatable. We’re about 1/2 hour from the water…intentional…hurricanes terrify me. Will do a bit of searching on Mr. King. 😉

  5. Bev Taggart
    Oct 05, 2018 @ 09:12:28

    Have you found your special coffee shop yet? How about a UU church? Do you have a place to swim? Keep searching for a counselor who “gets you.” Also, maybe you could offer a small art class to begin with.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Oct 05, 2018 @ 11:43:59

      Coffee shop–Check. Pool–Check. Good Therapist–Check. Still Looking for a church that fits. The UUs here are still quite Christian, though liberal and support social justice work. I have been invited to the Art Guild, so will do that later in the month. All good suggestions, Bev, thank you!

      Reply

  6. Littlesundog
    Oct 06, 2018 @ 11:31:30

    Here I am!!! Crazy Nebraska girl who loved Oklahoma from the start when I moved here 28 years ago. I live in a very depressed area – it would be enough to send anyone running (not to mention my crazy in-laws) but immersing myself in the history of the area, I understand and have compassion like I’ve never felt before. Living here and absorbing a whole different kind of people and way of life is still a challenge sometimes, but I believe we experience what we need. You just toughed out summer – blistering hot, humid and sweltering… soon, the landscapes will be so beautiful and the winter will be much easier to cope with than what you knew in Iowa. It rarely gets bitter cold here and ice and snow is a novelty.

    I am here. We will hook up soon, and hopefully, fairly often. Keep your chin up… Oklahoma IS an adventure. Give it a chance. 🙂

    Reply

  7. Val Boyko
    Oct 06, 2018 @ 16:18:21

    I hope you are experiencing a shift towards acceptance and contentment Sandy. Sending a hug your way.

    Reply

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