Where The Hell Am I?

Just when I think my brain is running its last lap in this summer’s Looney Marathon, another starter gun fires, and we’re off on a downhill luge sled. Is this the Circles of Hell Olympics?

Oh, yeah. Right. It’s bipolar disorder.

I’m just not managing it very well this round.

Part of it is the swampy atmosphere — rain six out of the last eight days with 100% humidity in between.  The weather has turned me into a sweaty, gummed-up, ice bag-sitting Howler Monkey who can’t bear to leave my A/C and ceiling fans.

Another part is the new ear worm that comes with The Black listing all the vital coping tools (read: people) I lost in the move.  Distorted thinking is the true gem of mental illness. It’s exactly as clever, well-reasoned, and creative as the host brain, so everything it spins sounds completely true.  It takes tweezing through the rationale to find the flaws, and I’m too sweaty to hold the tweezers steady.

know I need to move my body. There’s a perfectly fine pool available six days a week and a yoga class that caters to the inflexible, but I can’t talk myself into leaving my cool, dry hidey-hole.

know I need to find a different therapist.  Alice is a lovely person, but she’s not equipped to help me. Just the thought of starting over again, searching for a therapist who accepts Medicare an hour away in Tulsa… Scarlett O’Hara sashays out of The Black and tells me to think about it tomorrow.

Yet, as I write this, I realize my sister will help me. She asked yesterday what she could do. Yesterday I had no idea. I was speeding downhill too fast in that stupid luge to see anything clearly. But maybe she can help me get my bearings. Maybe I can figure out where I am.

15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Karen Roessler
    Aug 19, 2018 @ 09:23:31

    Hang in there, Friend.
    Remember……. you are one BAD ASS woman.


  2. jinjerstanton
    Aug 19, 2018 @ 12:03:56

    I knew it was going to be a challenge. The heat would kill me. However, I have the impression that you need challenges and that you will work it out. It will be hard. It always is. You are fierce, capable, and persistent. You can build this new life as surely as you built the last one.

    I’m holding you in my heart.


    • Sandy Sue
      Aug 20, 2018 @ 06:16:08

      Bless you, Friend. I remember a scene from the show “West Wing” where a Citizen says, “I expect it (life) to be hard. It should be hard. But if it could only be a little bit easier.”


  3. Val Boyko
    Aug 19, 2018 @ 13:26:34

    We all need a helping hand sometimes … glad your sister is there offering hers. 💛


  4. Fish Eye Farm
    Aug 19, 2018 @ 16:11:37

    yes, hang in there…


  5. Littlesundog
    Aug 19, 2018 @ 21:15:21

    Over here in the SW part of the state we can’t seem to get a damned drop of rain – I’d take some of the muggy, sweaty, swampiness off of your hands if I could! I tell you true, this has been a bad year weather-wise, all around. Hopefully, autumn will be here soon with cooler temps. This heat and humidity hasn’t been a very cordial welcome for you.
    I am sorry this time of adjustment isn’t going smoothly. Let your sister help you. Karen’s right… tap into that Bad Ass. It’s cool to be a bad ass in your neck of the woods. 🙂


  6. Writer Lori
    Aug 20, 2018 @ 03:49:56

    Keep fighting, Sandy! Those gremlins are strong, but you are stronger! And if it’s any consolation, we’re sitting in pea soup here in NH as well. Seems no one escapes this summer…


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