I realized this morning that I’d started to give up.
This long season of depression has granted me an occasional hour or two of relief before rolling back in. I distract my conscious thoughts with Netflix and sewing, but have lost interest in exploring my surroundings or reaching out to others. I know I’m in trouble, so this morning I sat down to journal and let all the ugly thoughts out of their cages.
I was about to see my new therapist for the second time, which just made me miss my previous therapist more. I knew if I didn’t start processing all the “forbidden” thoughts in my head, I’d never stop crying in her little closet of an office. So, I scribbled away, which is the only way I know to capture the distorted thinking and actually see it.
I lasted ten minutes with the therapist. Long story short, I felt disrespected and dismissed. I will not be going back.
Part of me is very aware that my depression could be warping my perception. Another part of me is mad as hell, and that’s the part that rises up every time my boundaries get trampled. It’s the spark that lights up my personal Bat Signal. Or BadAss Signal.
I have work to do.
I texted my sister and will be meeting her and her grandsons for lunch tomorrow. We also had a very supportive exchange about feeling out of place and longing for things that we’ve likely romanticized.
I called the other therapist in my shrink’s office and just now made an appointment with her for Monday. I know this woman is at least kind, because my sister sees her and talks about her. Kind is a good place to start. Kind is enough.
If my 17-year-old cat can still unload a huge poop, then gallop through the house reestablishing his supreme authority, so can I.
Consider this my psychological dump.
The BadAss is Back.
SandySue Altered
Jun 20, 2018 @ 15:49:43
I have a friend in Oklahoma – probably two hours west from where I live and I’ve met her once so we are mostly pen pals. But, she writes every so often when she needs to let some frustrations go. Literally, she says a good “dump” is the best feeling, be it physical or mental. And she’s right of course. People never talk about it, but it’s real life and it matters.
I hope you connect with the new therapist. There’s got to be a good one or two out in that neck of the woods!
Jun 20, 2018 @ 17:15:01
I’ll find one, even if it takes a while.
Jun 20, 2018 @ 16:05:36
It’s so important to find someone you can connect with! I wonder where your therapist’s mercury is.
Jun 20, 2018 @ 17:13:33
someplace hot and smelling of sulfur.
Jun 20, 2018 @ 19:31:56
I had to laugh about your cat comments. My cat does the same thing – racing through the house with pride – and lightness, apparently. I always think that it’s a good thing humans don’t do that. But in the case of a psychological dump, galloping about is good.
Jun 20, 2018 @ 20:23:09
I know I’m WAY too into my cats’ bowel habits, but I think constipation is really toxic for them. Henry gets so listless. And don’t get me started on constipation-related barfing…
Jun 20, 2018 @ 21:00:35
Be the badass cat you are!
Transitions are never easy, but they can be transformational with right support. Keep connecting and find what you need .. and love ❤️
Jun 21, 2018 @ 07:08:07
There are transitions and there are total life changes, Val. I’m trying to keep my stress to a minimum, since that makes everything worse, but I’d have to be comatose to avoid it.
Jun 21, 2018 @ 03:18:20
I love a good psychological dump. They are very necessary. Hopefully, now you will be able to move on from this depression phase. By the way, I love how your picture on this post stands vertically.
Jun 21, 2018 @ 07:05:25
I’ve made a few tall cards with old Photo Booth pictures. This is one of those.
Jun 21, 2018 @ 17:11:01
I love it!
Jun 21, 2018 @ 07:46:48
Everyone needs to dump their bucket now and again…a good cleanse is just the ticket. 🙂 Good luck finding a new therapist–know you’ll triumph, Sandy, you’ve got the goods. Cheering you on from NH!
Jun 22, 2018 @ 05:43:26
You are SUCH a welcome supportive voice!
Jun 21, 2018 @ 16:41:31
KIND is a good intro. Perhaps she can recommend if she can’t take you. Love your strength, boundaries, badass art and writing. xoxox
Jun 22, 2018 @ 05:41:48
I will see her on Monday! I know, too, if she’s not a good fit, I can take my search to Tulsa. We know finding the right therapist can be a long haul. Some days I can’t stand thinking about it, some days I can breathe and lean into the Work.
Jun 22, 2018 @ 01:52:02
Laughing. Welcome back Friend!
Jun 22, 2018 @ 05:37:44
I phase in and out, but Badassery wins the day.
Jun 22, 2018 @ 08:34:04
I’m running through my own funk right now. Seeing a new therapist next week to unload. It was a shock to go back to the VA center and discover my old therapist was gone. Trying on a new one is undeniably hard. You have to start all over breaking them in and they never do feel quite right after you had one that fit so well.
Jun 22, 2018 @ 19:02:41
Oh, no. Good luck breaking in this new one. All I can say is if it doesn’t fit, keep looking. And, I’m so sorry the Grand Funk is in town.
Jul 01, 2018 @ 09:45:05
I do not enjoy that you haven’t been up to par – but I always enjoy your writing.
Jul 01, 2018 @ 20:29:31
Thanks, Fish Eye, that’s the best.