I Wasn’t Cut Out to Be a Cheerleader

After tumbling around for a couple of months in the worst my bipolarity can offer, I resolved to set aside all thought, expectation, plans and hope of moving.  It would happen in its own time (in months, maybe, or even a year), but until then I needed to reengage with my life instead of living with one foot out the door.  The stretch of that cheerleader’s pose had strained my brain into a constant trembling.  Mental-muscle exhaustion.

I could feel the eminence of a raging relapse on the horizon.  I had to do more than Wait.  So, I made appointments with my therapist, reinstated my Y membership, asked my cleaning lady to postpone her scheduled attack on my Moving Out Cleaning List.  I asked my friends on dates, opening doors that I’d almost closed.

Armed with a new Plan, I slid my foot back inside the door of my life as it is, not what it might become.  I slept a little better.  My capacity seemed a little deeper.

And, of course, yesterday my sister called to say the Move is On.  The tenant I’m replacing is being evicted, and the townhouse could be ready for me as soon as mid-April.

handmade cards, collage artHowever, my new-found footing kept me from spinning at this news.  I’m sorry for whatever reason this woman must be expelled from her home.  I send my heart out to her, hoping she can find a better home, hoping she has support and help to transplant her to a place that is loving and absent of fear.  I also refuse to take note of that “mid-April” business.  It’s just an invitation to more brain-splits, and I’m not having it.

Worried, my sister wanted to know how I was taking this news.  I said I’d just do the next thing (scan and email her all the documentation required), then eat supper.  And if it falls through, that’s fine, because I’m on terra firma.

As I was scanning and emailing last night, I checked my In Box to find a new message from Art Journaling Magazine.  My journal passed muster, and I’ve been invited to write a 700-800 word article about it.  As one of the artists featured in that (as yet unknown) issue, I’ll be part of a forum where we’re asked questions like: How did you get started in art journaling?  What’s your favorite way to fill empty spaces on a journal page? How would you describe your style?

I had to laugh.  If there’s anything I believe in, it’s synchronisity.  In finding my balance and feeling my agitation and anxiety abate, I became ready for The Next Thing.  And after all my years of struggling to be a published writer, it comes to me now on the wings of an art form I love more dearly than writing.

The Universe is a perverse and whimsical partner.  But, I’m much better at dancing with It than I am at cheerleading.

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16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anita S
    Mar 10, 2018 @ 10:38:51

    Reading about your thought processes is thought-provoking. Your insight into your needs invites me to stop and consider my own, which is something I needed right now. I believe in synchronicity as well, and I am sure that my reading your post today was no coincidence.
    Congratulations on being published!

    Reply

  2. Jan Helmich
    Mar 10, 2018 @ 14:50:00

    Congratulations on “passing muster”!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  3. David Kanigan
    Mar 10, 2018 @ 21:53:04

    April. Right around the corner. Good luck Sandy!

    Reply

  4. Val Boyko
    Mar 11, 2018 @ 06:50:09

    Congratulations Sandy! What a great post, and wonderful last paragraph 😊

    Reply

  5. Writer Lori
    Mar 11, 2018 @ 06:55:12

    Hooray! Congrats on your acceptance, Sandy. That is terrific! I, too, am a big believer in synchronicity, and I just know the next few months things will roll out the way they’re meant to if you listen to your heart and allow yourself the space and time you need…

    Reply

  6. pegoleg
    Mar 12, 2018 @ 09:49:08

    Congratulations on being chosen for the journal – your work is very special and deserves to be seen.

    I’ve been trying to be more mindful of my actions and how they impact others this Lent. To that end I’ve subscribed to a daily meditation/prayer program and something the presenter said last week really struck me – along the lines of what you wrote: when getting bogged down, worried, anxious, etc., don’t focus on the mountain before you. Every day, resolve to merely do the NEXT RIGHT THING.

    Reply

  7. jlpiperb55416
    Mar 12, 2018 @ 19:17:31

    Day one. Or. One day. Whichever.

    Thank you for the lovely, thoughtful post. Not sure why, but I feel strengthened myself now. Didn’t even think I needed it — strength to do the next thing — but here I sit, with my chin and shoulders up just a bit more.
    Best of luck with the article!

    Reply

  8. Kitt O'Malley
    Mar 15, 2018 @ 18:45:54

    Congrats on the art journal publication. Wish you the best staying as stable as possible, knowing that moving is destabilizing, as you both delay moving and later move (or not).

    Reply

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