Breathing

I had a whole other blog post half-written, but when I came back to it, none of the bipolar drama mattered any more.

There was a theme of WANTING this summer, but we all know wanting comes from believing there is a hole in our soul that needs filling.  The cure for wanting isn’t changing our bodies or our location, it isn’t filling that hole with stuff or people.  The cure for wanting is to sit with it, cup it gently in our own two hands, breathe it in and out.  Then, we remember we are whole where and when we are.

I’ve been thinking about turning 60 in a couple of months.  I don’t usually pay attention to birthdays, but this is kind of a milestone for me.  See, I never expected to live to see 60.  In the back of my mind, far from consciousness, I think I was marking time until I made a decision to exit this world.  Turning 60 means I’ve made a different kind of decision.

At first I didn’t think I’d created much of a life—it certainly didn’t look like the life I imagined for myself when I was a girl.  But when one of my mental health gurus said, “I’ve always thought you were good at living,” I reconsidered.

My sister’s husband died three weeks ago after a long illness.  She had been preparing for that eventuality—buying a home in Oklahoma where her son and his family live, clearing out sheds and closets—but the last six months of constant caregiving along with Hospice drained her life energy.

I supported her the best I could.  When the time came, I stood beside her as her husband died and when some of his family members got ugly.  I stood at the graveside with one arm around my tall, cowboy nephew, and the other around his little son, and I felt alive with love for my family. Last week, my sis and I packed our vehicles with the last of her things and caravanned to her new permanent home.

Yesterday I returned to my home of geriatric (and complaining) cats, art projects in progress, the last week of water walking at the Aquatic Center before it closes for the season, watching the addictive drama of Big Brother with my friends, coffee and movies and lunches with other friends, meeting the interim minister at church and volunteering to lead a SoulMatters group.

I think it’s time to give up my hair shirt.  It’s time to embrace the good life I’ve created and allow forgiveness to become part of it.  Today, all I want is to be content, to be grateful.

Breathing in, I choose the Adventure.

♥ ♥ ♥

P.S. Happy Birthday, Richard.

Advertisements

25 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. petrujviljoen
    Aug 22, 2017 @ 08:54:59

    Beautiful! Thanks so much!

    Reply

  2. pegoleg
    Aug 22, 2017 @ 09:32:19

    Very lovely and true. I think a lot of people think life is like the movies, and they’re disappointed that their scrip doesn’t measure up. Life is everyday annoyances and quiet, everyday pleasures, interspersed with the occasional joys and tragedies.

    I’m sorry about your brother-in-law. How wonderful that you could be there, really be present, for your sister in such a difficult time.

    Reply

  3. Penny
    Aug 22, 2017 @ 09:43:37

    Bless you for the support you were able to provide your sister. Neither of you will ever forget it.

    Reply

  4. Ocean Bream
    Aug 22, 2017 @ 12:37:37

    Wow, happy birthday! Your life is well lived, because you have lived it! 🙂

    Reply

  5. Cheryl LaVille
    Aug 22, 2017 @ 12:38:41

    This is my dear friend. Thank you for sharing it.

    Reply

  6. jlpiperb55416
    Aug 22, 2017 @ 13:46:29

    Thank you for this post. It felt like a soothing, melt-in-my-mouth, piece of chocolate. A gift.

    Reply

  7. Elaine GREEN
    Aug 22, 2017 @ 14:24:05

    You blow my mind….. and it sure sounds to me like you are really on a path of healing and loving and sharing and thriving….. .. you sound wonderful, my sweet friend… really wonderful…
    I love you
    Laney

    Reply

  8. Terri Vaske
    Aug 22, 2017 @ 20:10:16

    Love to you, Sandy. Please keep breathing in. You bring inspiration to me. ❤

    Reply

  9. David Kanigan
    Aug 23, 2017 @ 05:47:04

    You’ve made great choices. And we all benefit for it.

    Reply

  10. Writer Lori
    Aug 24, 2017 @ 07:54:41

    This post is suffused with love and warmth and life force, Sandy. So glad that you were able to be there for your sister and so happy you are in a good spot. Lucky are we who have crossed your path….

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Aug 24, 2017 @ 08:27:40

      It is a good place to be AND it won’t last. My goal is to make this attitude my bedrock while the thoughts and emotions do their wild-ass thing.

      Reply

  11. Tina Graham
    Aug 24, 2017 @ 14:21:59

    Sandy Sue, I love your honesty, your sharing and your way with words. Thank you love!

    Reply

  12. Littlesundog
    Sep 05, 2017 @ 07:09:24

    Your writing is beautiful, and meaningful here. Too bad the timing wasn’t a week different for us… I had my truck to make the trip north to help family at the same time you were in Oklahoma. I could have dashed east to help haul another load for your sister. I am excited she is finally here… and I hope it means I will be able to see you more often now! 🙂

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog Stats

  • 139,275 hits
%d bloggers like this: