At The Dig Site

I knew this wouldn’t be easy.

Lose Weight.  Such a simple sentence.  And it’s everywhere—magazines, TV, grocery stores, billboards, New Year’s Resolutions, the breath passing through many lips.  The sentence is simple, but the act is damn near impossible.  As my mental health team says, “If it was easy, anyone could do it.”

For me, it also means exhuming emotional skeletons, using tweezers and a soft brush to parse a knob of truth from harsh and debilitating bedrock.  I’ve worked this archeological site before.  Assembling all the artifacts never made much difference, just ripped a lot of fingernails and crushed me with failure.

But dig sites are layered and scattered.  Archeologists work a three-dimensional grid, moving out and down.  They know they have to dig deep.  They know they have to range far from the first find.  Their work is meticulous, choreographed, measured.  Patience, attention and delicacy are required.

I’m still not sure I can go through this again.  I don’t know if I can hold myself in compassion as the remnants of former lives resurface.  But I know I’m more equipped to do that now than I was even two years ago.

I believe life is a spiral, bringing us around again and again to the Work that needs to be done.  With each rotation, we come to the task with different tools.  That alone makes the experience different.

I thought I’d read every book on compulsive eating, but wondered if there wasn’t one I missed.  So I put it in my Plan—Check the Library.  There I found Better Is Not So Far Away: Decide to Recover From Bingeing, Starving, or Cutting by Melissa Groman.  Notice the title doesn’t promise recovery.  It only asks that you decide to recover.

The target audience is much younger than me—teens and young adult women—but the truths are so profound, they knock me flat.

In the pit of loneliness, you most likely feel the totally human ache to be understood, to be connected, to be soothed and loved.  But when you are in the pit, you do not believe these longings are normal, and getting them satisfied seems like a very remote possibility.

She [a client] is afraid of not having, not doing, not being, and just as afraid of having, doing and being.

This book helps, and it’s a trigger.  Anything that leads me further in triggers the compulsive eating.  It’s instinct now.

So, I’m uncomfortable, confused, angry and hateful.  I’m also resilient, patient, accepting and fine.

I always wanted to be an archeologist when I grew up.

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Dave Proudfit
    Jul 13, 2017 @ 11:43:42

    Very nice Sandy.

    Reply

  2. Littlesundog
    Jul 13, 2017 @ 12:03:48

    I love the archaeologist twist to this.This can apply to most all of us in some way. I do not eat, I work myself. Too much. Re-wiring myself to live differently and healthy is a constant battle. Deciding to recover is the grandest step.

    Reply

  3. Val Boyko
    Jul 13, 2017 @ 16:09:00

    Digging like this takes more courage than Indiana ever had. 💛 Sending an encouraging ((hug)) your way.

    Reply

  4. Cheryl LaVille
    Jul 13, 2017 @ 20:15:41

    Yes.

    Reply

  5. Writer Lori
    Jul 14, 2017 @ 07:54:06

    I love the imagery in this post, Sandy, and the wisdom. “I believe life is a spiral, bringing us around again and again to the Work that needs to be done. With each rotation, we come to the task with different tools.” Bam! I believe this, too. So much to chew on here. Hang in there, friend, you’re making headway….

    Reply

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