Mirrors

There’s nothing like being brainsick over a holiday weekend to remind me of my demographic status.  I’ve struggled for several days with vicious, distorted thoughts, but holidays add more stress with regular support services closed, carefully constructed routines disrupted, and human support unavailable as they enjoy time with family and friends.  Long weekends are difficult, and I’m not the only one who feels it.

So far this weekend, emergency vehicles have visited my ten-unit complex five times.  That means half of the residents have been in such a state of crisis that their only option seemed to be 911.  And the day’s only half over.

To try to calm my own agitation, I went to our common room this morning to do laundry, sit in the quiet, and maybe journal. I found one of the window latches broken.  In the bathroom, the toilet seat was broken in half with feces on the floor.  I cleaned that last bit as best as I could, weeping at the level of distress that person must have felt.  Afterward, I emailed the apartment manager with the details, knowing she wouldn’t read it until tomorrow because it’s a holiday.

I’m fully aware of how lucky I am to be “high functioning,” to have friends I can text most anytime, to have a sister who would come to my aid if I needed it.  I don’t interact much with my neighbors, because some of them can’t follow a conversation.  Others are quite shy and introverted or belligerent and aggressive.  I keep to myself.

But I understand all of it.  I am all of it—at times introverted or belligerent, unable to translate my thoughts into words, unable to concentrate on what someone might be saying to me.  I understand being in crisis and feeling like there are no options.

I live in an apartment complex of mirrors.  It makes me more human to look into them from time to time.

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23 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cheryl LaVille
    May 29, 2017 @ 14:59:57

    Well said my friend. Your ability to self-evaluate always amazes me. Yet, my hands feel tied thinking that I could offer any aid.

    Reply

  2. tonyroberts
    May 29, 2017 @ 15:50:00

    Sandy Sue,

    I too am thankful you have the functioning you do to describe things with such haunting clarity. And your music video adds beauty and meaning. Blessings, Tony

    Reply

  3. Alice
    May 29, 2017 @ 19:03:09

    Reply

  4. Elaine GREEN
    May 29, 2017 @ 21:33:57

    speechless…. and am routinely astounded at how well you really do manage to get yourself through all the challenges you work through… and your postings must really ‘speak’ to others working through their own challenges… you are a ‘Saint’ … sharing all your resources and, reaching out to others sharing your insights and aspirations. THank you so much for the email…. I look every day, just incase you are there….

    sending love and ‘healing’ thoughts…. thank you, Sandy, for keeping me in the ‘loop’ laney

    ________________________________

    Reply

  5. depatridge
    May 30, 2017 @ 03:39:32

    Reblogged this on Matthews' Blog and commented:
    Great post!

    Reply

  6. David Kanigan
    May 30, 2017 @ 03:45:07

    Five visits in one day. Wow. Compared to your neighbors, you are super high functioning.

    Reply

  7. Dorie Tammen
    May 30, 2017 @ 09:54:37

    Wow. What writing, Sandy! That last line is intense. I don’t know what it’s like to suffer from bi-polar disorder, but the mirror analogy here is beautiful, in a way, and poetic. Well done!

    Reply

  8. pegoleg
    May 30, 2017 @ 10:07:40

    Does everyone in your complex have “issues?” I didn’t realize that. Had I seen the broken toilet and feces on the floor I would have been angry and condemning. Thanks for your example, and the gentle reminder that often people act out because they are suffering.

    Hope things are better soon, my dear Miss Sandy Sue.

    Reply

  9. Kirk
    Jun 02, 2017 @ 16:09:52

    Hi Sandy, Sorry I have not read your blog before. As a frequent toilet user I can really relate to broken seats. In prison we did not have seats or doors on the stalls. Thanks for reaching out. We love you up here in Lindstrom.

    Reply

  10. Littlesundog
    Jun 02, 2017 @ 21:28:56

    This post really hit home with me. Two days ago I received a wildlife call from a woman who was emotionally distraught and had “intellectual” disabilities.She was having a crises… I was drained and exasperated by the time I got off the phone. Mostly, I was frustrated because no matter how hard I tried to simplify things and explain in a kind manner, she could not understand.But I have been that person too. I suppose that is why it bothered me so much as I switched off my phone. It is sad to know that kind of desperation and feel all alone in it.

    Reply

  11. kirizar
    Jun 05, 2017 @ 09:36:37

    I wish that I could comfort or console you. But words seem helpless against such things as these. But, I commiserate about three-day weekends and the lack of relief. You can rarely get any sitters on those days and I face them like a soldier contemplating the trenches. I pull my helmet low and try to avoid getting hit by fallout from explosions.

    Reply

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