Muttering

mousy-ladiesI’ve stalled out in a mixed-state depression.  It’s nothing new, not even very noteworthy, but I’m always surprised by how it changes everything.  My perception becomes bleak and twisted, my body slow and creaky.  I miscommunicate and send mixed messages, because every part of my brain is mixed.  I’m confused and confusing.

Depression with rage is so uncomfortable, and so isolating.  I hate everyone.  Or am scared of them.  Ancient resentments and regrets rise up like specters out of unholy ground.  This is the part of my bipolarly existence that sees a life as a hermit as the only option.

I have a couple of mantras during these times:

Keep Your Mouth Shut

It Will Shift Soon

Just Wait

pretty-magazinesSo, I’m muttering mantras.  And looking at pretty magazines.

temp-poldark-poster2And watching Poldark.

 

 

 

And making art.

making-art

 

Lots of art.

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22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Almost Iowa
    Mar 05, 2017 @ 07:49:50

    Watching Masterpiece is soothing – but Poldark broods too much. 🙂

    Reply

  2. Catherine Cheng, MD
    Mar 05, 2017 @ 07:54:40

    😘❤️👊🏼

    Reply

  3. A Simple Village Undertaker
    Mar 05, 2017 @ 08:00:24

    Sandy Sue, I will start by acknowledging that everyone is different, but as I occasionally traveled (and still do) through those dark valleys, I will try to remind myself of the words to this song, https://youtu.be/_ENPAS6Nlms For the last 30-some years, it acknowledged my reality, but also provided me some hope. I always use this version because of Kevin’s introduction, “And it’s about feelin’ better”. I hope that you can find something in there to hang on to. Virtual Hugs.

    Reply

  4. Ocean Bream
    Mar 05, 2017 @ 08:17:21

    Making art is therapy ❤ I wish you well!

    Reply

  5. Littlesundog
    Mar 05, 2017 @ 08:54:57

    “Depression with rage”, and “life as a hermit as the only option”, pretty much describes my thoughts many times. I see myself as separate from others but perhaps it isn’t so. I love that you “mutter”… because it allows me to think that I am not so different and alone.

    Reply

  6. Alice
    Mar 05, 2017 @ 10:49:35

    Sorry it’s rough. Those all sound like excellent strategies!

    Reply

  7. Leslie
    Mar 05, 2017 @ 15:30:12

    Ugh, I’m so sorry you’re in that hell right now. I know it all too well and you’ve done a great job describing it. Here’s hoping things shift (for the better) for you soon.

    Reply

  8. David Kanigan
    Mar 05, 2017 @ 17:32:45

    I can feel you rounding the corner. I can.

    Reply

  9. donnaanddiablo
    Mar 06, 2017 @ 09:07:31

    Sending wave after wave of good juju rolling your way, Sandy. Waves….

    Reply

  10. Linda Noel Schierman
    Mar 06, 2017 @ 14:23:53

    Sandy I love getting to really Look at your Make Art Space. What is that sort of rectangular plastic? thing on the right secured with chrome clampsish stuff? Or is it a light box thing? Thank you. I’m looking at how you’ve stamped-signed your marvy cards as I have to/get to make my own back-of-cards identifier~! Flowers and Shells for the whole month at Wm.Grant Gallery & Framing in upscale Kendall Yards, Spokane, Wa ! Your wanting to take an F&S picture — we were having delicious Thai food — made me feel so encouraged because I know YOU are an arteeeest. xoxoxo

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Mar 06, 2017 @ 18:41:30

      That thing on the right is a “happy light.” I’m not sure it does anything for me as I don’t have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I use it in the winter, just in case it *might.*
      Lots of luck and SALES at the gallery. Way to go!

      Reply

  11. tonyroberts
    Mar 24, 2017 @ 14:52:54

    A horrible state, beautifully depicted. “Ancient resentments and regrets rise up like specters out of unholy ground.” Wow!

    Reply

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