I’ve stalled out in a mixed-state depression. It’s nothing new, not even very noteworthy, but I’m always surprised by how it changes everything. My perception becomes bleak and twisted, my body slow and creaky. I miscommunicate and send mixed messages, because every part of my brain is mixed. I’m confused and confusing.
Depression with rage is so uncomfortable, and so isolating. I hate everyone. Or am scared of them. Ancient resentments and regrets rise up like specters out of unholy ground. This is the part of my bipolarly existence that sees a life as a hermit as the only option.
I have a couple of mantras during these times:
♠
Keep Your Mouth Shut
It Will Shift Soon
Just Wait
♠
So, I’m muttering mantras. And looking at pretty magazines.
And watching Poldark.
And making art.
Lots of art.
SandySue Altered
A Mind Divided 
Mar 05, 2017 @ 07:49:50
Watching Masterpiece is soothing – but Poldark broods too much. 🙂
Mar 05, 2017 @ 07:54:47
Brooding, but oh-so tasty.
He was a broody, little Dwarf, too.
Mar 05, 2017 @ 10:50:54
Somehow I just -knew- the Tasty Dwarf would appear somewhere on this list!
Mar 05, 2017 @ 13:36:06
He sounds so much like his tastier uncle in Poldark.
Mar 05, 2017 @ 07:54:40
😘❤️👊🏼
Mar 05, 2017 @ 08:00:24
Sandy Sue, I will start by acknowledging that everyone is different, but as I occasionally traveled (and still do) through those dark valleys, I will try to remind myself of the words to this song, https://youtu.be/_ENPAS6Nlms For the last 30-some years, it acknowledged my reality, but also provided me some hope. I always use this version because of Kevin’s introduction, “And it’s about feelin’ better”. I hope that you can find something in there to hang on to. Virtual Hugs.
Mar 05, 2017 @ 09:35:00
I love when folks share their music with me. It is my other favorite therapist. Thank you.
Mar 05, 2017 @ 08:17:21
Making art is therapy ❤ I wish you well!
Mar 05, 2017 @ 09:32:11
It is. Always. Thank you.
Mar 05, 2017 @ 08:54:57
“Depression with rage”, and “life as a hermit as the only option”, pretty much describes my thoughts many times. I see myself as separate from others but perhaps it isn’t so. I love that you “mutter”… because it allows me to think that I am not so different and alone.
Mar 05, 2017 @ 09:31:42
It’s the thing my mind wants me to forget—that I’m not alone.
Mar 05, 2017 @ 10:49:35
Sorry it’s rough. Those all sound like excellent strategies!
Mar 05, 2017 @ 15:30:12
Ugh, I’m so sorry you’re in that hell right now. I know it all too well and you’ve done a great job describing it. Here’s hoping things shift (for the better) for you soon.
Mar 05, 2017 @ 15:37:32
thank you, my friend
Mar 05, 2017 @ 17:32:45
I can feel you rounding the corner. I can.
Mar 05, 2017 @ 18:05:09
Wait for me there, would you?
Mar 06, 2017 @ 09:07:31
Sending wave after wave of good juju rolling your way, Sandy. Waves….
Mar 06, 2017 @ 12:28:01
Maybe that’s why I was able to wash my hair and get groceries this morning. Riding that curl, baby.
Mar 06, 2017 @ 14:23:53
Sandy I love getting to really Look at your Make Art Space. What is that sort of rectangular plastic? thing on the right secured with chrome clampsish stuff? Or is it a light box thing? Thank you. I’m looking at how you’ve stamped-signed your marvy cards as I have to/get to make my own back-of-cards identifier~! Flowers and Shells for the whole month at Wm.Grant Gallery & Framing in upscale Kendall Yards, Spokane, Wa ! Your wanting to take an F&S picture — we were having delicious Thai food — made me feel so encouraged because I know YOU are an arteeeest. xoxoxo
Mar 06, 2017 @ 18:41:30
That thing on the right is a “happy light.” I’m not sure it does anything for me as I don’t have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I use it in the winter, just in case it *might.*
Lots of luck and SALES at the gallery. Way to go!
Mar 24, 2017 @ 14:52:54
A horrible state, beautifully depicted. “Ancient resentments and regrets rise up like specters out of unholy ground.” Wow!
Mar 25, 2017 @ 06:07:13
thanks so much for reading and following along.
Oct 30, 2018 @ 18:46:04
Struggling through my own miasma. Awaiting NaNoWriMo like it is a panacea of some kind. Hopefully I will rise above in time to enjoy it. I hope your art lifts you as well. At least enough to take another gulp of breath before being dragged under. (Yes. I live in a dark cave many days of the month. Crawling out of it is my only exercise.) Be well.