♦
After almost three weeks of Clear, Calm Mind, weeks when I made art with quiet joy and dug into the second draft of my book about being bipolar, weeks when decisions made themselves; after weeks when the Dark Times of last autumn faded, the inevitable shift came.
First, just a melancholia set in as I watched the last season of Northern Exposure (like getting weepy over Hallmark commercials). Mopping up with Kleenex, I would have called myself hormonal if I still had any Girl Parts. But after the final episode, I felt bereft. I’d binge-watched all six seasons of the show, and now it was over. I have a bad feeling about this, my Inner Han Solo muttered.
Later that day, I shut down during therapy. We hit something big, and it blew all the circuits. My therapist talked and all I could hear was the teacher from the Peanuts cartoons (Wah-wah-wah).
Yesterday I met my friend at the theater to see LaLa Land and cried through the whole thing. Not that I was paying attention to what was on the screen.
It takes me a bit to catch up with the shift. I have to find a little spot of compassion and mindfulness where I can change gears. What do I need? What do I have to take care of and what can wait? I will stay home today and do art at my table instead of going to church and the Writing as a Spiritual Practice group that I love. I can make this decision without guilt or self-loathing. It’s what needs to be today.
Tomorrow I will focus on preparing my apartment for the new bed-bug prevention regiment. There’s a lot to do—vacuum, get everything off the floor, pull the furniture away from the walls. I don’t quite understand what will be done, some kind of silicon mist, so I need to get as much stuff under cover as I can. Then, on Tuesday, the cats and I will camp out at friends all day while this procedure takes place. I’m not sure what kind of clean-up will be required once we get back. All I know is that I can’t vacuum for three days.
Stuff like this is stressful on my best day. I had found a rhythm with the quarterly bug-sniffing dog’s visits, but I guess Radar wasn’t as accurate as advertised. Now management has decided on this annual preventative hoo-haw instead. It’s so disruptive and worrisome.
So, I breathe and try to turn my thinking. I don’t have bedbugs, but if my neighbors do, I’m at risk. So this is a good thing. Proactive. And only once a year. I can do this.
And if it’s all I do this week, it will be enough.
SandySue Altered
Jan 15, 2017 @ 06:44:40
((Hugs))
Jan 15, 2017 @ 07:00:38
XX
Jan 15, 2017 @ 06:46:10
I think I might just put this sentence up where I can see it every day:”It’s what needs to be today.” 200+ miles away, I’ll be doing much the same (although less art, more writing).
Jan 15, 2017 @ 07:00:21
Affirmations, baby. They help me get through many a day.
Jan 15, 2017 @ 06:56:30
It absolutely will be enough. You may feel terrible, but you’re making good informed decisions. Good luck with the fumigation. I’m sorry you have to go through it.
Jan 15, 2017 @ 06:59:30
Thanks, friend.
Jan 15, 2017 @ 08:23:35
3 weeks of clear mind. 2nd draft of book. You are rolling!
Jan 15, 2017 @ 13:06:13
Yes. That’s a big grace period, and I’m thankful for it.
Jan 15, 2017 @ 10:52:19
“It will be enough”, I like that. I have felt that way this entire week, recouping from some kind of respiratory illness. I haven’t gotten much of anything done around here, and instead took time to rest and relax and parked my butt in front of the TV watching some good “life” movies. I’ve let the emotions flow… feels good, doesn’t it? I understand the intrusion of this fumigating period. I wouldn’t like it either. I think I’d pack a picnic basket and make for a getaway for you and Henry and Emmett, and live like vagabonds for a day or three.
Jan 15, 2017 @ 13:05:32
Oh, that sounds nice. If I’d had more notice, maybe that would be the way to go.
Jan 15, 2017 @ 11:19:30
Sending boatloads of good juju coursing across the miles, Sandy! And that Virginia Woolf card is fab.u.lous.
Jan 15, 2017 @ 13:04:28
I still hate how the shift to Black throws me. Wish I could just go along gracefully.
Jan 15, 2017 @ 14:27:52
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be, Sandy. I so admire your courage….
Jan 15, 2017 @ 18:37:55
I appreciate that. Really. The Black makes you think you’re wrong and a weenie. When I’m in it I don’t think that’s true, but it’s a loud voice.
Jan 16, 2017 @ 01:34:34
Looove Northern Exposure.
It’s been years. Is it in Netflix?
Jan 18, 2017 @ 13:16:07
I rented it from the library.
Jan 16, 2017 @ 10:00:53
My daughter had to wash every soft thing she owned because the neighbor was infested and they found one bug in her apartment – huge hassle.
I’m not sure if it’s comforting to think that this week’s annoyance will prevent a much bigger problem, or if my suggesting that is even more annoying. If so, sorry. 🙂
Jan 18, 2017 @ 13:15:47
That’s exactly where I dragged my thoughts—two days of back-breaking work for a CLEAN apartment and only once a year instead of less-bothersome-but-still-irritating four. I’m on the other side of it now—still exhausted, but glad.
Jan 16, 2017 @ 13:54:12
Good luck with the Bed Bug procedure…local village Kingsclere (Near Highclere) has a Bed Bug weather vane on the church!!!
Jan 18, 2017 @ 13:13:12
Oh, I love that! We should have one (though I’d much rather have a kitty weather vane).
Feb 01, 2017 @ 17:28:03
“It takes me a bit to catch up with the shift”… When I started reading your blog a few years ago, I didn’t recognize ME in statements like that, but now (shiny new diagnosis in hand and a slightly-less-muzzy view-of-self resulting) I’m starting to have the “Huh, YEAH” moments. It has taken me more than a bit to start catching up with myself, partly because I didn’t understand the basic mechanics of ME, that sometimes “catching up” means an upward arc and other times it’s a downward spiral, and I need to adjust depending on the trajectory… I’ve always enjoyed your writing–and now I’m appreciating on a whole new level!
Feb 02, 2017 @ 08:15:21
I have really missed you.
Feb 02, 2017 @ 08:39:25
I’ve missed me too, the last couple years–and that’s a weird statement that YOU might understand… thanks for welcoming me back 😊
Feb 03, 2017 @ 06:39:41
💋