Sometimes I wonder if it’s time to take this blog off the stove.
I don’t really have much more to say about my experience of bipolar disorder. I’ve spewed. I’ve wallowed. I’ve raged. I’ve picked up shiny objects along the path and given them a look-see. I’ve made lots and lots of Plans. I’ve fought hard and surrendered. I’ve changed my tune as often as my mood.
There’s no end-point, no resolution, no Ah-Ha Moment or Happily Ever After. For me, now, there’s just the daily practice of being me and trying to accept whatever shows up out of the bipolar soup. There’s still pain and confusion, but also moments of soft contentment. I struggle every day with relationships, but so does everyone else on the planet. Periods of suicidal thinking will rise and fall as will my ability to function in the outer world. So be it.
Still.
New stuff keeps surfacing out of this tepid bouillabaisse. Since my therapist and I started working with my PTSD symptoms, my internal weather seems different. The barometric pressure of trauma feels different from that of rapid cycling. Free-floating fear now follows a pattern. Opening the windows to let in fresh air turned out to be much less horrific than I’d imagined. And I have new tools. Gotta love new tools.
Aside from writing about my practice of mental illness, I’ve posted enough fan-fiction to satisfy my ego. Yes, I am a writer. Yes, I can craft a decent story. I don’t need to prove anything anymore. Like Popeye, I yam what I yam.
Still.
I will take these six years of blog posts and rewrite them into a book of essays that I’ll self-publish sometime this year. Writing is still important to me—not just communicating, but crafting a sentence, weaving a metaphor, developing a thought. Is the challenge to go deeper? Is there a story in acceptance as well as agony? If I stopped blogging, would I search as hard for balance? Do I need this blog to keep me on the Path?
And then there’s the art. Illustrating posts with my cards and collages still lights up my ego. I can feel it light up—all bloat and gas—and wait for the comments to roll in.
Still.
Sometimes, a piece holds more therapy than ego. It carries a different flavor, adds savory and smoke. It blends with the words to create a richer meaning for me. I’m not sure ego ever disappears, but when words and art blend in this way, my ego gets quieter. And when the ego shuts up, all kinds of doors can open. This magic happens in my art journal. I’m not sure it translates here.
Almost every blogger I’ve read comes to this crossroad—continue or stop, take a break or refocus. I need to hold these questions gently and keep showing up while they simmer. Because no matter what…
I’m on an Adventure.
SandySue Altered
Jan 02, 2017 @ 16:05:20
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
GOOD–AT YOUR OWN PACE AND BY YOUR OWN JUDGMENT. GLAD YOU’RE WITH US….YOWSA, YOWSA! !
Jan 02, 2017 @ 16:06:51
“EVERYBODY NEEDS A BREAK, NOW AND THEN.” SOME FOLK BLOG ONLY ONCE A WEEK—OR LESS! 🙂
Jan 02, 2017 @ 16:07:30
Keep writing.
Jan 02, 2017 @ 16:25:22
🙂
Jan 02, 2017 @ 16:29:58
Excellent post Sandy! I understand what you are talking about here. But, what keeps me going with my blog is the knowledge that I may help someone else with what I write. Your blog has touched me, your friendship has enriched me, and I have learned so much from you. ❤
Jan 04, 2017 @ 08:46:02
Ditto on all that, sister. Still pondering.
Jan 02, 2017 @ 17:45:14
Happy New Year dear Sandy. If you ever want to do something give me a call. I love reading your blog and seeing the great cards you create. It is such a gift to be so talented.
Jan 04, 2017 @ 08:45:27
Thanks, Dee. I have always appreciated your support and HUMOR.
And BTW, that calling business goes both ways, y’know. 🙂
Jan 02, 2017 @ 19:03:56
Make of this what you will: yours is the first post I read after fourteen months’ absense. I’m considering a return. You are considering a departure. Greetings.
Jan 04, 2017 @ 08:44:20
Synchronisity is SO goofy. Well, here we are—considering.
Jan 02, 2017 @ 19:45:23
Follow your heart. If it stops being fun or helpful, stop. I’ve enjoyed your perspective and will stay “following” for if and when you return. Best wishes for a new year.
Jan 04, 2017 @ 08:43:13
I appreciate your kindness and gentle support. Thanks for that.
Jan 02, 2017 @ 19:46:25
Continue. Full stop.
Jan 04, 2017 @ 08:42:24
I am SO laughing. This is Classic Kanigan.
Jan 04, 2017 @ 11:25:13
Ha! You are right👍
Jan 02, 2017 @ 22:00:05
I think blogs continually evolve, lending to whatever adventure we might be on at the time. It’s ok to just sit on it, wait and see, or let it go for a while or for good. I hope you’ll continue to write. I always look forward to your message. 🙂
Jan 04, 2017 @ 08:41:48
We do have to just let things unfold sometimes, don’t we? Patience, Attention, Compassion. All those things that are hard to give ourselves. Thanks for always being there, Lori.
Jan 04, 2017 @ 09:51:20
And much thanks to you for being there for me when I’ve been lower than a snakes belly. 🙂
Jan 02, 2017 @ 22:26:42
WOW!!… You are on a roll and are gathering treasures at every turn in the road. You sound so much like YOU.. and love your sharing your own unique perspective, Sandy. Inspires me to throw open my own Sashes!! I love you dearly!
p.s.. Am in midst of moving to Prior Lake MN next week …4 doors from my kids and right on the lake. Richard, Rob, Genelle and Sue are all near bye. Feels like DeJa Vu all over again. Sending lots of love to you, Laney.
I think it’s soup, now, so enjoy every slurp.
Jan 04, 2017 @ 08:39:54
I’ve always depended on your support, Laney. I wish you LOVE and STRENGTH on this next phase of your own journey. We’ll see each other again.
Jan 03, 2017 @ 04:53:33
I selfishly hope you continue blogging. Your writing pleases me. I find myself thinking, “Wow! That’s my little sister that wrote that! She’s amazing!” Sometimes it’s not what you write but how you write it, the phrases you use, the cadence of your thoughts. Pretty sure others out there need to see what you have to say.
Jan 04, 2017 @ 08:36:55
It has meant so much to me that you keep coming back, even though I scare you sometimes here. I love you lots.
Jan 03, 2017 @ 13:45:19
Only you can know what the right decision is, Sandy, but know that your words are always read and appreciated. It seems to me you’re cookin’ up something pretty fine…
Jan 04, 2017 @ 08:35:41
Maybe that’s it. Maybe “changes, they be a’comin'”
Jan 03, 2017 @ 16:16:59
For selfish reasons I wish you’d stay, but I can certainly understand your reasons to go. You gotta go, go where you wanna go…do, do what you wanna, wanna do. (hear the Mamas & the Papas there)
Jan 04, 2017 @ 08:34:53
I do. I loved Cass Elliott. Your selfishness touches me deeply.
Jan 05, 2017 @ 08:39:54
Thanks for sharing, Maggie.
Jan 04, 2017 @ 21:33:44
I can’t even begin to tell you how rare it is for me to come across someone that says it like it is, and does so beautifully and intelligently.
YOU are one of them.
It ain’t soup yet!
Jan 05, 2017 @ 08:37:24
Gracious. That has to be one of the finest compliments I’ve ever received. Bless you.
Jan 05, 2017 @ 19:30:56
💕
Jan 06, 2017 @ 23:52:32
Do not end this blog. People need it. You have a gift that you need to share with the world….
Jan 07, 2017 @ 06:39:16
Sharing my story is what got this whole thing started. Still not sure what’s shaking out now.
Feb 17, 2017 @ 11:04:44
Nice writing…thanks for sharing.
Feb 19, 2017 @ 16:39:01
Thanks for stopping by.