get-back-up-artistMy computer came home today, perkier, but still not firing on all cylinders.  The tech-docs did their best and will continue to monitor vitals.  At least I don’t have to create posts on my phone anymore.

Perhaps now my vague disquietude will ease up.  I feel like I’m constantly patting my mental pockets to make sure I have my keys.  What am I forgetting?  I start out the day with my gym bag and art tote, then forget my purse.  Once back in the car, I realize I’ve forgotten the letter I need to mail.  Then, my coffee.  Or like yesterday, I left my coat somewhere and still haven’t found it.

I’m discombobulated, constantly ticking important stuff off on my fingers.  Cats alive?  Gas in the car?  Shoes on?  I check my calendar, then look at it again because I can’t remember what was there.  I’m guessing my anxiety is a little spiky.

I’ve been getting about two hours of sleep at night for several months —even taking Xanax, which is usually all I need.  So, my med provider switched me to Clonazepam—same pharm family (anti-anxiety), but with a longer duration plus a heavy weight blanket.  I still wake up three or four times a night, but go back to sleep, which I wasn’t able to do on Xanax.  And I’m not waking up furious.  That alone is a huge relief.  Any morning I can get out of bed not pissed off or in PTSD flashback-mode is already a success—no matter what else follows.

hen-in-charge1116Before Anthony, the tech-surgeon, made his house call this afternoon, I vacuumed and dusted a little—something I haven’t done since summer.  I told a friend, “You know it’s time to vacuum when the carpet is crunchy.”

Like my computer, I’m still not firing on all cylinders, but we’re both making progress.  Two addled brains are better than one, I guess.  It’s a good thing the cats are in charge.

19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. LindaNoel
    Nov 16, 2016 @ 17:00:56

    Extraordinary get back-up artist. 🙂 card/caption. I know ‘crunchy carpets’ well. Tomorrow I see my good humanist health Dr. Angell (no connection with imaginary religious angels) to get some kind of an Alzheimer’s Baseline Test/Record: my extremely short-term memory crashes daily; ability to imagine and do sequencing actions that began obvious deterioration 3? yrs ago has been screaming down a steep slope; and most references I come up with are from decades ago, old-fashioned, pre-70’s-enlightment. BUT I’m still a really good dancer and my silly word-play humor cracks Me up, so there are still perks. Man-and-his-dogs are not unkindly out of my proximity so I have backed-off leaning in, offering contact. It is hard to allow Change when we are old and have finally found comfort. Thank you for the Manhattan Transfer ‘ Quietude” – I only knew a couple of upbeat songs, this is quieting and lovely.


    • Sandy Sue
      Nov 18, 2016 @ 03:52:13

      I think it’s scary to get those baseline-type tests done. Whose baseline is it anyway? But if they can offer some Pharma that might help, all the better for the Dancing Word Play!


  2. LindaNoel
    Nov 16, 2016 @ 17:02:18

    I have your to-the-point card Fuck BiPolar on my fridge for daily bad-ass boosts.xoxox


  3. A Simple Village Undertaker
    Nov 16, 2016 @ 20:24:18

    Step by step. Waking up rested is always a good way to start the day. Progress.


  4. myloudbipolarwhispers
    Nov 16, 2016 @ 23:50:50

    You sound a lot like me. I have to go back and check things all of the time etc. and I like how you compared yourself with your computer… that was good. Plus, my two cats are definitely in charge at my house too. Hugs. Oh BTW I have been taking Clonipin for years… I like it and need it and do not know what or who I would be without it.


    • Sandy Sue
      Nov 18, 2016 @ 03:49:04

      I’ve tried one pill. I’ve tried 3 pills. The effect seems the same no matter the dose. This seems odd to me, but then meds work weirdly or not for me. So glad you have something that HELPS.


      • myloudbipolarwhispers
        Nov 18, 2016 @ 08:36:32

        There are only two meds I can take. Nothing else works or there are too many adverse reactions. I have given up trying anything new as I am too sensitive to medications. Plus I think I have tried everything out there. I just have to go with the flow my strangeness and have learned to like some if it… kinda fun…. my weirdness anyway.. Just have to laugh at ourselves as it is kinda funny really. Gotta love who we are and accept who we are…which I can do o. Good days…. I try….. the first only symptom if course that is beyond my ability to deal with affectively alone of course but is when I reach my suicidal depressions…. I have been there so when I am not I try to appreciate everything I have…. I try to love life because compared to those depressions everything is awesome.

      • Sandy Sue
        Nov 19, 2016 @ 15:57:13

        I don’t think there’s a single person on psychotropics who has a “standard” response. Everyone I’ve met describes themselves as sensitive, drug-resistant, etc. etc. The medical community would like us to believe all this stuff works, but it’s really just a crap shoot.

        You sound like you’re far ahead of most folks in self-acceptance and embracing it all. I know there are days I’m better at that practice than others. As long as we can keep recognizing the suicidal depression and the distortions it twists in our thinking, then—at least—we can get help.

        Thanks so much for reading and adding your thoughtful, positive comments.

      • myloudbipolarwhispers
        Nov 19, 2016 @ 16:37:58

        Thank you for your reply. I totally agree with your comments about medications. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 about 20 years ago so it has taken me many painstaking years to finally get to this point. Acceptance and sometimes humor of this illness has worked best for me lately… what else can you do? Peace, blessings and hugs across the miles to you.

  5. David Kanigan
    Nov 17, 2016 @ 05:32:08

    You may think you aren’t firing on all cylinders, but your mind and written word and laser sharp. Great post.


  6. Littlesundog
    Nov 17, 2016 @ 08:20:35

    While reading the second paragraph, I suddenly remembered my not-so-fresh brewed coffee sitting in the coffee maker. 😦


  7. Val Boyko
    Nov 17, 2016 @ 15:24:50

    Thank goodness for the cats … and a sense of humor Sandy! xo


  8. Trackback: Disquietude | Matthews' Blog

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