Brain Ferrets

Noise in My Head

I’ve learned it’s never a good idea to listen to my brain, especially when the noise is negative. And adamant.  So, I’ve stuck my fingers in my ears a lot over the summer.  Lalalala.  I can’t hear you.

But brains are insidious, crafty, gray matter ferrets. Mine can sniff out a weak spot and gnaw until there’s room for a nest.  Pretty soon, baby brain-ferrets slink through the cracks of my reality.  They shred everything, those little stinkers, until fact, delusion, awareness, perception, fear, and anything else they find turn into one, pulpy mess.

I wouldn’t mind this so much if they’d just shut up about it. Unfortunately, I speak fluent Brain Ferret.

chewingWhy even go to church?  You can’t make any commitments. You can’t even sign up for fun stuff like the Murder Mystery dinner or the music concerts without cancelling most of the time.

Shut it, Boba Ferret.

And nobody noticed that you didn’t attend all summer.

Yes, they did. Scott and Karen said they missed me.  And what about those emails from Linda and Sally?

Months ago.  That’s not the Community you hoped for.

Shut up, Ferret Bueller.  They’re not mind-readers.  They can’t know I’m brain-sick unless I tell them. Contrary to your opinion, I’m not the center of everyone’s universe.

You wanted to participate, teach meditation, work on Social Justice teams.  Face it.  You can’t do that stuff anymore.  You’ve lost the capacity to be around people.

Well … Maybe …

ferretsYou lasted 30 minutes at your cousin’s funeral this weekend before you had to bolt and find a quiet place outside.

I know …

And those are people you’ve known all your life.

Stop.  Just stop a minute.

You’re losing your social skills.  Your tolerance for distress is shrinking.  You’re getting worse.  Maybe your brain is starting to rot.

Sometimes it does feel that way.

And that stupid art journal.  What is that crap?

Listen here, Family von Ferret, I see the mess you’ve made here.  I can’t sort it out right now, so I’m just shutting this door…

WE’LL CHEW THROUGH IT!

And I’m calling the Exterminators.

ferret2• • •

Uh huh.  That’s right.  Slink back to your nest and stay there!

We’ll be back.

Yeah, I know, Arnold Schwartzenferret.

I know.

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15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Karen
    Sep 06, 2016 @ 13:52:45

    I eagerly await your return to church (and would love to learn meditation from you!) Miss you, Sandy… lots.

    Reply

  2. Catherine Cheng, MD
    Sep 06, 2016 @ 15:06:07

    Sandy Sue, do you see yourself as brave? Because I see you as such a brave, courageous, vulnerable and loving person! To live with those voices with such acceptance, and also with such resolute resistance to their potential destructiveness, speaks volumes of the work you have done to maintain your sanity and your health.
    And the humor, too–they say it’s an advanced and healthy coping mechanism–you wield it with aplomb.
    You set such a great example for all of us, as we all have our demons to manage. Maybe I’ll start calling mine squirrels from now on, it makes them seem less intimidating, if just as annoying. 😉
    Best wishes to you, and may the ferrets’ chatter stay quiet a long while this time. 😊😘😁

    Reply

  3. Elaine GREEN
    Sep 07, 2016 @ 00:25:33

    What an extraordinarily beautiful and living mind you share

    Sent from my iPhone

    Reply

  4. Cate
    Sep 07, 2016 @ 13:40:57

    Love the ferret metaphor! But don’t exterminate them; they’re trying to help you, in their way. Internal Family Systems therapy is wonderful, if you’ve not heard of it. It presents a wonderful model for understanding and relating to our inner ferrets and other seemingly negative voices in a way that makes them happier, and us, too. You can do a lot on your own, without involving a therapist – give it a Google.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Sep 07, 2016 @ 20:55:41

      No, these ferrets are delusions–the twisted, self-loathing that dominates my bipolar symptoms. Internal Family Systems might be a good way to go for a neuro-normal, but wouldn’t work for me.

      Reply

  5. Littlesundog
    Sep 08, 2016 @ 08:01:47

    I love this post… it totally spoke to me. I was just visiting with a friend about the crazy brain chatter and negativity. She suggested some more reading material which I will order and pounce on. So much of my life has been a battle with my brain. I know it’s up to me to find that inner exterminator… but I wonder, will it be a forever, ongoing battle? Probably.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Sep 10, 2016 @ 08:51:03

      Yeah, probably. The trick for me is consider all thoughts suspect, especially if there’s any kind of charge with them. Someone said to me the other day, “The absolute worst is believing your own bullshit.” Amen to that.

      Reply

  6. donnaanddiablo
    Sep 12, 2016 @ 08:52:43

    I’m with Catherine, Sandy. You are a brave, bad-ass, ferret slaying machine, and we ALL miss you when you’re not around…in real life or in the blogsphere. Hang tough, girl, you got this!!

    Reply

  7. Anja D
    Dec 12, 2016 @ 07:24:37

    Nice post. Thank you

    Reply

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