Unknowing

Listen, she saidThe only thing I know for sure about my flavor of bipolar disorder is that I know nothing for sure.  On days like today, when my mind feels cool and friendly, I can marvel at the potential this unknowing offers.  Living without answers keeps me in the questions.  It makes me curious, willing to experiment, and to move on if the experiment fizzles.

Unknowing can be a great relief.  When mixed with mindfulness, there’s an untethering that happens.  My attachment to being functional, to plans, even to my concept of Self loosens.  Unknowing helps me accept whatever is in the moment.  Unknowing allows me to accept all of me as my mood, energy and cognition rise and fall.

kingsmountainThese rapid cycling, mixed states plant barriers that force me to cut a new path.  The first step is to sit with the beauty of the barrier.  I imagine touching the rough, unyielding surface and see an Irish megalith—part of my DNA and a complete mystery.  It requires respect and acknowledgment.  If I don’t see the barrier, I can’t dream a different trajectory.

This weekend I came down with a bad cold.  Over the course of a day, I lost my voice and terror drowned out all other sound.  “I just got over pneumonia.  In a couple of weeks, I’ll be driving across the country.  I can’t get sick now.

And the monolith rises up, demanding attention.

Card DisplayI am sick, so I need to tend that.  I leave for ArtFest in three weeks, and I’m ready.  As I sit with this old stone, I can see that I’ve been pushing too hard.  Because I was accepted as a vendor, I’ve been cranking out my most artful, most outrageous cards.  I refurbished a display unit my friend loaned me.  I wanted ArtFest to see a particular side of me—professional, laid-back, confident.

And the craggy rock cannot be moved.

I am all those things, but my illness makes me much more.  My moods, my energy, my capacity will swing on my trip.  I could keep my fingers in my ears and pretend it won’t happen, but then I’ll crack my head on this immovable menhir.

I need to be quiet now and listen to the silence of my DNA.  As I breathe in the mystery, I can feel my grip loosen.  Expectation.  Ego.  Fear.  Judgment.

I’m fine.  And now it’s time for a cup of tea.

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23 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. radiatingblossom
    Mar 06, 2016 @ 11:04:00

    Get better, Sandy Sue…the display looks fantastic. 🙂

    Reply

  2. donnaanddiablo
    Mar 07, 2016 @ 04:15:11

    You got this, Sandy. Deep breaths, honor yourself, keep moving forward. I LOVE your display unit–so inviting! Wish I could attend Artfest-I would buy lots of your fabulous cards. 😊 Sending good vibes your way…. Lori

    Reply

  3. David Kanigan
    Mar 07, 2016 @ 04:47:22

    My mind is cool and friendly. Let’s hang onto the friendly and turn up the thermostat.

    Reply

  4. pegoleg
    Mar 07, 2016 @ 09:10:05

    This is so exciting! Hope your cold and all other unhealthful humors subside and you have a fabulous time and sell a lot of your wonderful wares.

    Reply

  5. LindaNoel
    Mar 07, 2016 @ 09:27:16

    Beautifully expressed.THAT display would have me Zoooom, beelining it over to check it out: the colors, the sparkles, the old photos, the laid-back & confident structure… pathfinder in the NOW, dear SandySue!

    Reply

  6. LindaNoel
    Mar 07, 2016 @ 09:35:05

    Beautifully expressed Experience. If I’d never seen your cards, I would Zoooom bee-line it over to those colors and sparkle and old photos Hoping what-ever-they-were indeed were NOT predictable, sappy, unclever and Western-culture-saturated while attempting to look “alternative”….and, OMGawd, they ARE the Marvelous !

    Reply

  7. Leslie
    Mar 07, 2016 @ 13:15:28

    Ugh, sorry you are sick Sandy. But congratulations on being accepted to ArtFest that’s wonderful!!!! Chill out, push the fluids, get some sleep so that the sick doesn’t get worse. You’ll sell at ArtFest. You’re cards are beautiful.

    Reply

  8. Littlesundog
    Mar 08, 2016 @ 08:34:03

    Sending positive vibes, and lots of fresh oxygen from the budding and new tree leaves here in the South! May the southern winds carry this positive energy of healing to you… breathe deep and heal, my friend. 🙂 ArtFest will be fabulous!!

    Reply

  9. Bilal Khan
    Mar 09, 2016 @ 05:46:09

    Fascinating.

    Congratulation, and best of luck for the ArtFest.

    Where I come from 60s is still winter, its in 80s here and we are still thinking if we should turn on the fans 🙂 May you get well soon though.

    Reply

  10. Val Boyko
    Mar 12, 2016 @ 09:41:25

    Hope you are feeling a lot better now! I like the idea of loosening into the present moment, especially when feeling lousy. Letting go feels like too much.
    xo

    Reply

  11. Carolyn Page
    Mar 24, 2016 @ 19:07:07

    I love your attitude. You must be on the brink of departure for ‘Artfest’. Here’s hoping you have recovered and are brimming over with the seed of adventure! Enjoy!

    Reply

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