The only thing I know for sure about my flavor of bipolar disorder is that I know nothing for sure. On days like today, when my mind feels cool and friendly, I can marvel at the potential this unknowing offers. Living without answers keeps me in the questions. It makes me curious, willing to experiment, and to move on if the experiment fizzles.
Unknowing can be a great relief. When mixed with mindfulness, there’s an untethering that happens. My attachment to being functional, to plans, even to my concept of Self loosens. Unknowing helps me accept whatever is in the moment. Unknowing allows me to accept all of me as my mood, energy and cognition rise and fall.
These rapid cycling, mixed states plant barriers that force me to cut a new path. The first step is to sit with the beauty of the barrier. I imagine touching the rough, unyielding surface and see an Irish megalith—part of my DNA and a complete mystery. It requires respect and acknowledgment. If I don’t see the barrier, I can’t dream a different trajectory.
This weekend I came down with a bad cold. Over the course of a day, I lost my voice and terror drowned out all other sound. “I just got over pneumonia. In a couple of weeks, I’ll be driving across the country. I can’t get sick now.”
And the monolith rises up, demanding attention.
I am sick, so I need to tend that. I leave for ArtFest in three weeks, and I’m ready. As I sit with this old stone, I can see that I’ve been pushing too hard. Because I was accepted as a vendor, I’ve been cranking out my most artful, most outrageous cards. I refurbished a display unit my friend loaned me. I wanted ArtFest to see a particular side of me—professional, laid-back, confident.
And the craggy rock cannot be moved.
I am all those things, but my illness makes me much more. My moods, my energy, my capacity will swing on my trip. I could keep my fingers in my ears and pretend it won’t happen, but then I’ll crack my head on this immovable menhir.
I need to be quiet now and listen to the silence of my DNA. As I breathe in the mystery, I can feel my grip loosen. Expectation. Ego. Fear. Judgment.
I’m fine. And now it’s time for a cup of tea.
SandySue Altered
A Mind Divided 
Mar 06, 2016 @ 11:04:00
Get better, Sandy Sue…the display looks fantastic. 🙂
Mar 06, 2016 @ 15:37:23
🙂
Mar 07, 2016 @ 04:15:11
You got this, Sandy. Deep breaths, honor yourself, keep moving forward. I LOVE your display unit–so inviting! Wish I could attend Artfest-I would buy lots of your fabulous cards. 😊 Sending good vibes your way…. Lori
Mar 07, 2016 @ 09:51:06
Thanks so much, Lori. When I get back, I’ll take the “On Vacation” sign off my Etsy shop. 🙂
Mar 07, 2016 @ 04:47:22
My mind is cool and friendly. Let’s hang onto the friendly and turn up the thermostat.
Mar 07, 2016 @ 09:50:28
Amen, Brother, though I need some aspirin right now for the fever.
Mar 07, 2016 @ 09:10:05
This is so exciting! Hope your cold and all other unhealthful humors subside and you have a fabulous time and sell a lot of your wonderful wares.
Mar 07, 2016 @ 09:50:00
Thanks, Peg. I really just want to show off. If I sell anything, it will be gravy.
Mar 07, 2016 @ 09:27:16
Beautifully expressed.THAT display would have me Zoooom, beelining it over to check it out: the colors, the sparkles, the old photos, the laid-back & confident structure… pathfinder in the NOW, dear SandySue!
Mar 07, 2016 @ 09:49:26
And I’m so looking forward to seeing you SOON.
Mar 07, 2016 @ 09:35:05
Beautifully expressed Experience. If I’d never seen your cards, I would Zoooom bee-line it over to those colors and sparkle and old photos Hoping what-ever-they-were indeed were NOT predictable, sappy, unclever and Western-culture-saturated while attempting to look “alternative”….and, OMGawd, they ARE the Marvelous !
Mar 07, 2016 @ 09:48:57
What a dear friend you are, Linda.
Mar 07, 2016 @ 13:15:28
Ugh, sorry you are sick Sandy. But congratulations on being accepted to ArtFest that’s wonderful!!!! Chill out, push the fluids, get some sleep so that the sick doesn’t get worse. You’ll sell at ArtFest. You’re cards are beautiful.
Mar 07, 2016 @ 17:17:25
Thanks, Friend.
Mar 08, 2016 @ 08:34:03
Sending positive vibes, and lots of fresh oxygen from the budding and new tree leaves here in the South! May the southern winds carry this positive energy of healing to you… breathe deep and heal, my friend. 🙂 ArtFest will be fabulous!!
Mar 08, 2016 @ 16:05:51
Thanks, Lori. It’s actually been in the 60’s here this week. WAAAY too early for that kind of nonsense, and I’ll take it.
Mar 09, 2016 @ 05:46:09
Fascinating.
Congratulation, and best of luck for the ArtFest.
Where I come from 60s is still winter, its in 80s here and we are still thinking if we should turn on the fans 🙂 May you get well soon though.
Mar 09, 2016 @ 19:11:33
Thank you, Bilal, and thanks for choosing to follow along.
Mar 09, 2016 @ 23:14:20
Pleasure.
Mar 12, 2016 @ 09:41:25
Hope you are feeling a lot better now! I like the idea of loosening into the present moment, especially when feeling lousy. Letting go feels like too much.
xo
Mar 12, 2016 @ 19:24:43
That’s a really good point, Val. I still sound like Harry Belafonte, but getting better.
Mar 24, 2016 @ 19:07:07
I love your attitude. You must be on the brink of departure for ‘Artfest’. Here’s hoping you have recovered and are brimming over with the seed of adventure! Enjoy!
Mar 25, 2016 @ 08:02:51
Overflowing! Thanks so much.