I Forgot

Startled AwakeI forgot how hard this is.

Bipolar Disorder.

I forgot how it opens a plug and drains out all the color.

I forgot how it pours sludge into every thought.

I forgot how it grinds the gears of decision-making until they smoke and fail.

I forgot how much courage it takes to put on my coat.

I forgot how much the people who love me can’t stand it either:

I forgot how exhausting their good intentions can be.

I forgot how much I have to fight it.

I forgot how hard it is.

23 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Elaine GREEN
    Jan 27, 2016 @ 08:47:04

    …. your power is penetrating…. thank you. I love you. laney


  2. Karen Roessler
    Jan 27, 2016 @ 08:54:50

    Knowing that the color is still there behind the door……………….just waiting for your “bad-ass mama” to surface and kick the damn door in.
    Love you!


  3. jinjerstanton
    Jan 27, 2016 @ 11:33:13

    I’m so sorry to hear it. I love the card.


  4. Littlesundog
    Jan 27, 2016 @ 13:32:35

    I don’t have any clever words friend… but you’ve got my love. Always.


  5. Val Boyko
    Jan 27, 2016 @ 15:15:04

    Everything seems so much harder in the dead of winter.
    (Please don’t tell me you are in Australia 😉 )


  6. David Kanigan
    Jan 27, 2016 @ 19:44:42

    But, yet, you keep firing. And do it so well. You and your post remind me of:

    I woke up in pain, facing another day— no project beyond breakfast seemed tenable. I can’t go on, I thought, and immediately, its antiphon responded, completing Samuel Beckett’s seven words, words I had learned long ago as an undergraduate: I’ll go on. I got out of bed and took a step forward, repeating the phrase over and over: “I can’t go on. I’ll go on.”

    ~ Paul Kalanithi, When Breath Becomes Air (Random House Publishing Group. 2016)


  7. Nancy of Practically Wise
    Jan 27, 2016 @ 20:20:19

    “drains out all the color,” “pours sludge in”…these are powerful images, Sandy Sue. I read hope here, too…a time when these things were forgotten.


  8. SuperMommyofTwins
    Jan 28, 2016 @ 20:15:34

    When things have been stable for a while, I forget too. Then reality hits. I love this poem. It really brings things into perspective.


  9. Leslie
    Jan 29, 2016 @ 04:11:33

    Ugh Sandy…I’m sorry you’re in the muck. It really sucks down here. I haven’t been out of bed for two days. Know that you are not alone!


  10. pegoleg
    Jan 29, 2016 @ 15:06:59

    So sorry you’re going through this. Sending good thoughts.


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