In a Box.

The Darkest Hour is Just before the Box Pops Open. —Ancient Feline Proverb

Last Thursday was the third day in a row of fighting suicidal thoughts.  Fantasies of death consumed me.  My therapist scheduled extra sessions.  I sent lots of SOS texts to friends.  It was the worst of the worst.

I took a nap that afternoon and woke up different.  I couldn’t understand what was happening.  Was that sunshine coming in the bedroom window?  When did the grass get green?  What was this weird feeling in my body?  Energy?

I washed my face and put on my shoes.  Could I actually, like, go do something?  I ran errands.  In my car, driving to the auto parts store to get a windshield wiper I’ve needed for months, delivering the cards I made for the school district, I felt the sun, smelled the flowering trees, took deep breaths.  No intrusive thoughts.  No darkness.

Over the next few days, that sense of being normal continued.  Story ideas started coming back.  I made dates with friends and kept them.  I vacuumed.  I ate a bowl of vegan chili and felt something weird.  Full.  I could actually feel that I’d eaten enough and stopped—which started a conversation with my support staff about the correlation between the brain chemistry of bipolar disorder and binge eating.

Such an odd feeling of transition, to have the box of depression spring open after months of darkness and containment.  Like most cats, I don’t immediately hop out.  The eyes must adjust.  Safety must be evaluated, trajectory calculated.  And I must remember that this rush of freedom will not last, at least in this brilliant form.  I will be hopping in and out of the box all through the summer.  But I know that the lid is off.  The Mean Season seems to be over.

19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Littlesundog
    May 02, 2015 @ 08:38:20

    I am glad you are in the time of sunshine and awakening. Venture out of that box and saunter around a bit. 🙂


  2. Sherry
    May 02, 2015 @ 09:27:12

    I’m smiling here in Toledo. See you next week sometime.


  3. cabrogal
    May 02, 2015 @ 10:13:07

    The cat proverb can’t be that ancient.
    Erwin Schrödinger wasn’t even born until the late 19th Century.

    As I’m typing this I’m stuffed full and taking a break from trying to force down the last of a bowl of very non-vegan chilli. I guess as close as I get to BED is the guilt my parents instilled in me half a century ago for not cleaning my plate. I hate it when kids in Africa starve to death because I left a couple of beans behind.

    I know this is probably kind of insensitive for someone who has just gone through a period of suicidality, but do you think suicidal ideation might actually relieve the most despairing part of depression? It’s just an idea I came up with when I was often suicidal. Sort of a ‘darkness at the end of the tunnel’ effect.


  4. David Kanigan
    May 02, 2015 @ 15:10:24

    So sorry to hear this Sandy. May the light pour in…


  5. TamrahJo
    May 02, 2015 @ 19:26:15

    Congratulations on hanging in there and making to the other side – lots of hugs and loves your way!!


  6. Kitt O'Malley
    May 02, 2015 @ 19:49:29

    So glad to hear that you weathered the dark storm of depression once again and are peaking over the lid of the box and hopping in and out of it. Welcome back.


  7. pegoleg
    May 02, 2015 @ 21:42:32

    I’m so glad things are finally looking up a little. Enjoy the sunshine!


  8. Trackback: Reducing the Risk of Suicide in Individuals with BPD | NAMI South Bay

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