It’s been a bad day.
It’s one of those days when thoughts of death and fantasies of how seep through the cracks. It’s one of those days that demand a reason—any reason—to keep on going.
Like the push of a kitty’s paws against my side as he settles me for a nap.
Or a job that needs to be finished.
So, I left Emmett to sleep under the covers and finished a project—cards for the people retiring this year from our school district.
This is the third year I’ve been hired to make these cards. When I think about it, even though I ended up in partial hospitalization the last two years, I still got the cards made. They nudge me toward life, these pieces of gratitude. My hands remember beauty even if I can’t at the moment. As I work the sun swings around to my westward-facing window, giving Henry his chance to bask.
Another day nearly done. And I made it to the other side.
SandySue Altered
A Mind Divided 
Apr 20, 2015 @ 18:49:32
Sandy–I hold my breath when you have such bad days. I am thankful that you had a project that demanded your time and attention. Your beautiful cards belie your true state. You have such a gift. I pray that you continue to find your gift in the moments that you need it to help you survive!
Apr 20, 2015 @ 18:52:40
X
Apr 20, 2015 @ 21:42:40
Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry you’re going through such a tough patch. Please hang in there.
Apr 20, 2015 @ 22:01:24
X
Apr 20, 2015 @ 22:22:56
That line always cheered me up when I felt suicidal. I’ve got a pretty morbid sense of humour.
Apr 21, 2015 @ 07:02:09
Oh, what would we do without morbid humor. Thanks.
Apr 20, 2015 @ 22:20:36
Yeah, that’s a powerful one ain’t it?
It was the nuzzling of pet bunnies that kept me off a rope time and time again.
Just focusing on pets as they go about their all-so-important business can be so therapeutic, as is the responsibility of having to care for something so dependent upon you.
Fluffy little lifesavers.
Apr 21, 2015 @ 07:02:38
Amen, brother.
Apr 20, 2015 @ 22:35:26
Sandy, despite your frank blogging and some apparent similarities of experience I obviously can’t really know what your situation is.
However you might look at this blogpost by Jessica Davidson to see if it makes any sense of what you’re going through.
As I mention in the comments, that perspective didn’t help me when I was facing the abyss but after I got through it I realised it was exactly what had been happening to me. It may not be a light at the end of the tunnel but it might offer hope that the tunnel really has an end.
Apr 21, 2015 @ 07:01:36
Thanks for the link. It’s too daunting for me to read right now, but I’ll get to it on the other side.
Apr 21, 2015 @ 10:05:04
Your cards are a real gift to people. I have every card you have sent me sitting right here at my computer. Every day I’m back here plinking away at the keyboard I remember the friend with amazing wit and caring hands that created those timeless pieces of love.
I am so glad you have Emmet and Henry. Though cats do a superb job of appearing aloof and uncaring, I believe they read our energy and they know just what we need. Animals do that for me – my dogs lay beside me, and even the wild ones either show up or they stay with me for a time. Daisy deer generally just shows up with those almond eyes intently saying, “we all experience it, Mama”.
And then again… maybe they’re just hoping to play on the emotional moment in hopes of a snack. I always wonder about that. 🙂
Apr 21, 2015 @ 18:20:06
It’s all about what drops on the floor.
Apr 22, 2015 @ 08:12:56
Your cards are beautiful, Sandy.
Apr 22, 2015 @ 14:09:32
Thanks. Really.
Apr 26, 2015 @ 21:01:42
Your card is truly beautiful, Sandy.
Apr 27, 2015 @ 16:01:44
Thank you, Tiny.
May 02, 2015 @ 19:48:13
I love these cards!
May 02, 2015 @ 19:58:20
Thanks, Kitt.