(Warning: F Bomb Minefield Ahead)
I woke up furious this morning. It happens sometimes. When I start to shift out of a long siege of depression, there’s no telling what form the sudden influx of energy will take. Anger is a safe bet.
I could see what a wet washrag of a life I’ve had the last two months, and that lit me up. So much hard work just to stand in place. I railed against the shittiness of dragging around a mental illness. I slammed into my car, grabbed coffee and journaled to bleed out the fury.
Fuckit! Fuck being a GOOD GIRL because THAT really works for me. Fuck being the poster girl for crazy. [A friend] asked me yesterday if I had a goal. The only one I could think of was “Stay Out of the Hospital.” What kind of FUCKING goal is that?! Is that the best this putrid hump of a life can give me? Staying out of the hospital, being miserable, and telling myself that’s OKAY?
I’m so sick of myself and my fucking compulsions and Mom’s voice in my head and constantly PUSHINGPUSHINGPUSHING to Do the Right Thing. Take Care of Myself. Fuck this shadow life. FUCK BIPOLAR!
It went on for a few more pages before I started to wind down. You get the picture. When I left Panera to see my therapist, I was still furious, but had a plan about how to use all that hot energy. I decided to make some Fuck Bipolar cards (see below).
I want to give these away, so if you have bipolar disorder or love someone who rages against it, let me know. Put your name and address in a comment (I won’t publicize it), and if you have a preference for either the boy or the girl. I’ll send you one, because I’m making lots.
Because Fuck Bipolar.
F
SandySue Altered
Mar 10, 2015 @ 18:18:40
Female!
Mar 10, 2015 @ 18:24:54
I’ll bring her to swim class tomorrow, 🙂
Mar 10, 2015 @ 18:58:49
Makes me wish I knew someone besides you to give one to. You have such a gift Sandy. I love when someone else uses the F word. It is one of my favorites but of course I try to use sparingly but with purpose! Love ya.
Mar 10, 2015 @ 21:24:39
Thanks, Dee. I agree about the sparingly business. It’s not a bomb otherwise.
Mar 10, 2015 @ 19:29:22
Love these! Female please.
Include your return address and I’ll make a donation for postage : )
Mar 10, 2015 @ 21:22:42
Will do. Thanks!
Mar 19, 2015 @ 17:20:45
I got your incredibly generous gift today. Thank you so much, Joyce.
Mar 10, 2015 @ 21:22:14
I never have regrets dropping the F bomb. Sometimes it feels darned good! 🙂
Mar 10, 2015 @ 21:26:56
Ha! We’ll get it going sometime, Lori, deal?
Mar 11, 2015 @ 18:08:52
Deal… you betcha!! 🙂
Mar 11, 2015 @ 00:30:58
Exactly how I’m feeling right now! Female, please
Mar 11, 2015 @ 11:14:11
I sent you an email to get your address. Then, it will be on it’s way.
Mar 11, 2015 @ 17:46:31
The boy one. James is gone physically, but he would totally get this in Spirit, so i would like to honor him with one please!
Love your Light!
Linda
Mar 11, 2015 @ 19:30:04
I’m thrilled to send you this.XXX
Mar 15, 2015 @ 18:43:20
Bipolar has me in its control but I am fighting it always. The F word is more than frequently used in my home. Being tied up inside is too familiar a state. I keep pushing into my writing and creating. It does help and fills me up with some balance. Love your art work and your honest writing. Female. If I may be so bold.
Mar 15, 2015 @ 20:23:27
You may! Reply to me with your address (it won’t get published here.)
Mar 16, 2015 @ 14:03:19
Thank you Sandy Sue. You are an incredible woman. 🙂
Mar 16, 2015 @ 16:55:25
Thank YOU, Jennifer! Your girl will be in the mail tomorrow.
Mar 16, 2015 @ 16:58:00
Thank Sandy Sue for your generosity and healing inspiration. Will look for her.
Apr 09, 2015 @ 21:57:27
I’m not sure if you’re still sending out cards, but if you are, I would really love one. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, and I stumbled upon your blog and it has been a very nice reminder that I’m not the only one walking this path (as cliche as that sounds). Thank you for keeping this blog.
Apr 10, 2015 @ 14:26:58
Yes, I still have cards. Reply to this comment with your address. It will not be made public.
Aug 05, 2015 @ 06:52:30
Oh this is as if you are ripping pages directly from my journal. It sounds like the therapy session I had last week when she couldn’t get a word in edgewise.
Aug 05, 2015 @ 08:00:14
I love how we all write each other’s lives. The crap we go through feels so personal, but is really shared experience. I’ll mail the card today. 🙂
Nov 04, 2017 @ 23:57:16
Sandy Sue, this …. 2 years on, still packs a punch. Thanks for sharing this. and I loved with a passion, your “FUCK BIPOLAR” cards.
brilliant 🙂
Nov 07, 2017 @ 07:09:58
Thanks so much! I’ve been thinking I need to make more once the holidays are done. Actually, I need to make a lot of cards…
Nov 07, 2017 @ 22:12:28
yes! and when you feel in the mood, in the groove, and in that zone….. it will be a fun expressive release, of the inner creativity thats chomping at the bit to get out 🙂
Dec 13, 2019 @ 08:21:02
Just found this in your history. Sometimes, it helps to just read what other people struggle through. I’ve been trying to find my feet again as life gets back to ‘normal.’ As if normal ever really happened. It has been a weird, slow struggle back to some semblance of recognizable normalcy. Depression is my flavor of mental illness. I understand that Bi-Polar disorder is a much more changeable and destructive influence. But, I do appreciate what you are saying. Fuck mental illness. It would be nice to get out of my own head for a while.
Dec 15, 2019 @ 11:13:12
Oh, that’s such a dangerous place to hang out.
Dec 26, 2019 @ 12:29:21
You have no idea…or maybe, you do!?
Dec 27, 2019 @ 10:17:31
I know MY head is only a place to pass through, not call home.