Brain-sick.
It’s how I describe my state in the worst of my bipolar symptoms. It feels more positive than saying, “I’m having a bad day” or any other way of answering the question “How are you?” But, after almost four years of blogging, I’m still hesitant to announce it. As a rapid cycler, the icky way I feel now will change soon, so why carp? Why give the demons a voice? Then, the mood changes again, so I’m right back where I started. To tell, or not to tell, that is the question.
Yesterday was one of those days where I didn’t dare pay attention to my own thoughts. I went to the movies instead. It’s a kind of meditation, giving the thoughts a padded corner to fuss and do their gymnastics while I turn my attention to the soft darkness of the theater, the popcorn, and the old friends up on the screen. I went to three movies in row, seven hours of peace, seven hours of safety. The twisted thinking and sorrow waited for me outside the theater. We went to a nice dinner together where I ignored them with my journal and pretty fresh strawberries with whipped cream. I forgot to take my sleep aid, so they woke me up early for another day together.
This is just the way of it. There are days of moving forward and days, like these, where standing still is an enormous victory. I’m thankful that I don’t judge either any more. I’m grateful that I can simply accept being brain-sick. It’s almost as comforting as returning to Middle Earth. Almost.
SandySue Altered
A Mind Divided 
Jan 20, 2015 @ 06:13:29
Meh. Hugs. Do you have ultradian cycling?
Jan 20, 2015 @ 12:37:14
If that’s the super-warp speed setting, then yes. When it cranks up, I can go 2-3 full cycles a day.
Jan 20, 2015 @ 12:38:07
Lol yup exactly that. Shit though, poor you 😦
Jan 20, 2015 @ 12:40:02
Say this in Sherlock’s voice, “There’s nothing for it.” Makes anything okay.
Jan 20, 2015 @ 12:45:05
Which Sherlock?
Jan 20, 2015 @ 12:52:56
Sorry! Benedict Cumberbatch. Is there another?
Jan 20, 2015 @ 12:53:52
That is the correct answer!
Jan 20, 2015 @ 08:59:13
Lovely card. ….These months of 66 yrs old, I slammed into “old” and then sort of ricocheted onto a soft bed of Oh!-I am Now Here! …where all the supposed-tos and I’m-going-tos, the I-should-haves and even the I-shouldn’t-haves are no longer relevant. Noticing the old automatics as they continue to make disruptive changes (compulsive food & $ stuff) BUT am just not despairingly engaging with them….”Oh, that. Well, clear the area and relax…” Not drowning in the brain-sick…Swim and tread in the cushioned quiet, swim into, around, over, under, away from it — get in the pool, Linda, you will love it – you always do. LindaNoel [P.S. I’m copying this to tell my therapist — haven’t seen him in several months.]
Jan 20, 2015 @ 12:36:04
You rock! Make an appointment and tell him in person!
Jan 20, 2015 @ 09:17:55
I feel like I’ve done a lot of standing still. Someone commented to me that my therapist and I have made a lot of progress, and I was shocked. I feel like I’m still at the same place I was when I met her. Any progress we’ve made has been to counteract setbacks I had during that time.
Jan 20, 2015 @ 12:34:50
Do you keep a journal? I’m always shocked when I read from even a year ago how much I’ve learned and grown. We forget.
Jan 20, 2015 @ 10:45:13
I have learned to roll with days like this too. Oddly, I’ve found that simply accepting my plight and doing things I find comfort in, help me to move on more quickly. This is living in the moment. What was or could be just doesn’t matter.
Jan 20, 2015 @ 12:32:32
Amen, sister.
Jan 20, 2015 @ 14:18:14
This pretty much says it all. From: A Mind Divided To: b.taggart@yahoo.com Sent: Tuesday, January 20, 2015 3:55 AM Subject: [New post] Brain-Sick #yiv6456816455 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv6456816455 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv6456816455 a.yiv6456816455primaryactionlink:link, #yiv6456816455 a.yiv6456816455primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv6456816455 a.yiv6456816455primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv6456816455 a.yiv6456816455primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv6456816455 WordPress.com | Sandy Sue posted: “Brain-sick.It’s how I describe my state in the worst of my bipolar symptoms. It feels more positive than saying, “I’m having a bad day” or any other way of answering the question “How are you?” But, after almost five years of blogging, I’m still hes” | |
Jan 21, 2015 @ 09:22:38
Thanks for the re-post.
Jan 20, 2015 @ 18:41:55
Forward Friend. Forward.
Jan 21, 2015 @ 09:22:04
Sometimes standing still is enough.
Jan 25, 2015 @ 09:30:59
Thanks so much for the link.