This Mixed State

Old MagicThe Brain-Gerbil runrunruns in his cage, his fur sweat-slick, his claws clickety-tick in the Wheel.  Can you hear it spinning?  Whurrrrrrrt… Whurrrrrrrt… Whurrrrrrrt…   Can you see his eyes?  All instinct, all dead-panic, they stare unseeing.  He doesn’t even know he’s running.

And at the same time, mist rolls in on the Moors, grey-green smoke, thick and wet, chill enough to raise gooseflesh.  She stands on the cliff’s edge, a dark shape, the One Who Waits.  Her longing unfurls like fevered ribbons into the fog, unfocused, cast out like a line into spawning waters.

Focus.  Stop at the dentist, the eye doctor, the pharmacy.  Ask for year-end accounts for the rent recertification report.  Important.  Be thorough.  Be careful.  Remember to make copies of everything.  Rent is bound to go up this year.  How much?  Don’t think about that now.  Focus.  Focus.

More underwear comes in the mail.  It’s the middle of the story of finding the perfect fit, of finding comfort.  Out tumble little plastic packages, the sound like beetles hissing.  Loud.  They stare, shiny, from the bed.  Stare and stare.  Reach for one, but the plastic is too sharp.  Cover the pile with a towel.  Later.

Kodaline in the car.  It’s the Gerbil singing, the Ingenue, all of them.  Sing loud.  Sing with the moon-roof open.  Let all the air and sound go.

One day it’s here and then it’s gone
How are you still holding on?
How are you still holding on?

You’ve felt this way for far too long
Waiting for a change to come
You know you’re not the only one

11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. blahpolar
    Jan 17, 2015 @ 09:15:50

    That’s such an accurate description.


  2. Littlesundog
    Jan 17, 2015 @ 09:20:37

    I love that song. Some days it is just about hanging on and making it through. And sometimes I think it’s a gift for the mind to just be on the “wheel”.


  3. LindaNoel
    Jan 17, 2015 @ 14:43:42

    ooooooooo! (as in loo, goo, shoo, grew) 🙂 My goodness, how lucky I am that I found you/your blog, SandySue! Adding to my life-experience in delectable intriguing thoughtful fun etc etc ways…..


  4. Totally Mental
    Jan 17, 2015 @ 16:52:28

    Gave me chills. I often wonder the same about myself and more often than not I do not have an answer. Perhaps we are so much stronger than we fear.


    • Sandy Sue
      Jan 17, 2015 @ 17:41:11

      It’s scary to live in the question, but really, that’s what we have. To be fine with that, to know that whatever we feel, whatever we are, is fine—that gives me chills!


  5. pegoleg
    Jan 18, 2015 @ 13:00:33

    “brain gerbil” – so evocative. Hope yours is calmer soon, Sandy.


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