Channeling Scarlett

scarlettI wish I had something new to say about rapid cycling and mixed states.  I wish I had a pithy “Ah-Ha” moment to relate, something inspiring and brave that illustrates the worthiness of the fight.  Maybe I’m just not there yet.  I’m still in the middle of it, so my perspective is limited.  I can only see the bark on one tree, not the forest.

For what it’s worth, here’s what I believe to be true:  Almost everything in my head right now is a lie.  It’s the almost that’s tricky, especially since my discernment is faulty, too.  This is when I try not to think, try not to problem-solve or make decisions.  This is when I discard the first, second, and third reaction to what people say to me, or their silences.  This is when I don’t trust myself to look in a mirror, or feed the lies by buying clothes or watching the news.  This is when I pare everything down to its simplest form and stick to a schedule:  Get up, Swim, Get Coffee, Journal, etc.  This is when I spend my time pulling pictures out of magazines and organizing my vintage photos.  This is when I text my friends and say, “Tell me you love me,” then try to accept their immediate responses.

There’s something about rapid cycling and mixed states that filters out the loving and positive while reinforcing the hateful and negative.  It’s part of the illness.  It’s not who I am, though for decades, I believed it was.  All the hurtful, doubting thoughts sound true, feel true.  Sometimes I can see the falseness, sometimes I can’t.  Sometimes the best I can do is channel Scarlett O’Hara.  I won’t think about that now.  I’ll think about it tomorrow.  That way I don’t have to decide if the thought stream gurgling through my head is true or not.  That, in itself, is restful.

Because I know, with bipolar disorder, with rapid cycling and mixed states Tomorrow is Another Day.

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22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Michelle at The Green Study
    Dec 15, 2014 @ 06:10:17

    I can relate to this from those days when I have to keep saying “Just because you have the thought, doesn’t mean it’s true” and it’s such a relief to just let thoughts roll over you and not have to combat each and every one of them. You have a good strategy in not reacting – really, so many good tools you are using. As always, impressed with your circumspection in the midst of all the cycling.

    Reply

  2. Karen Roessler
    Dec 15, 2014 @ 06:37:00

    Here’s to Scarlett and her bad-ass attitude!
    Truth – you are loved.

    Reply

  3. blahpolar
    Dec 15, 2014 @ 06:59:56

    What a great post, you’ve def hit the nail on the head. Beautifully timed for me, I’m in a mixed state now. Thanks.

    Reply

  4. pegoleg
    Dec 15, 2014 @ 11:15:19

    Frankly my dear, I DO give a damn. Hope this part is over soon, Sandy.

    Reply

  5. jinjerstanton
    Dec 15, 2014 @ 11:41:04

    Thinking of you. Holding you in my heart.

    Reply

  6. Kitt O'Malley
    Dec 15, 2014 @ 14:30:43

    Thank God/Goddess/Creator tomorrow is another day. I hope and pray that it is a more stable one for you. Or, that you give your pdoc a call for med tweaking. The holidays are triggering.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Dec 15, 2014 @ 15:12:16

      Thanks, Kitt. You may not have read this, but I’m not on meds. I was termed “treatment resistant” after trying everything pharm had to offer. So I do this bare-assed, so to speak.

      Reply

  7. Littlesundog
    Dec 15, 2014 @ 21:10:16

    I like Clark Gable’s quote… “I love you. Because we’re alike. Bad lots both of us. Selfish and shrewd but able to look things in the eye and call them by their right name.” How many times have you loved the angry and negative me? I love you right back, Sandy… always.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Dec 15, 2014 @ 21:47:52

      Well, that made me cry. I used to know that book frontwards and backwards, but I’ve forgotten most of it. I had my Grandma’s copy that had pictures of the movie in it and would read it over and over. Now I want to come over and watch the movie with you!

      Reply

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