Old Song

Uplifting Songs

The bronchitis has run its course, but the wake of bipolar ping-ponging still bounces me.  And I’m desperate to find some equilibrium.  Looking at my journal entries from last year around this time, I was a little shocked to see that I’m repeating myself.

From last year:

Kind of back to normal.  I’m still not sleeping well.  Just want to curl up in my chair and watch back-to-back movies.  Feels like I’m starting over after being sick.  So maybe I should look at what I want my life to be now.  What do I want to focus on?  Work toward?

I could have written that yesterday.  It makes my ass tired to think I’m back at this place.  Every time I get sick, every time I go through a long episode of mood swings, I have to pull up my socks and refocus.  I’m always battling my weight and compulsive eating, my inertia, my disappointment in absent friends.  BlahBlahBlah.  I’m sick to death of this same old song.

My TOPS membership will be due in December, and I decided not to renew.  I’m also resigning as the Weight Recorder.  Now I know that making decisions under the influence of bipolarness is unwise.  I also recognize this throwing in the weight loss towel as part of a different cycle.  I give up, say I’m going to accept myself the way I am, gain weight, panic, and go back to trying to control my eating.  So I fully acknowledge that these decisions are sick-brain-driven and, most likely, temporary.

But, I would like to accept myself the way I am.  I would like to, once and for all, let go of the fantasy that I can lose 150 pounds and be at all desirable to the opposite sex.  I’m not hideous.  I’m just an obese, middle-aged woman on the way to crone-hood.  I want to accept that and find some happiness in THAT, not wait for a body or a partner that are never coming.  I mean, I went to freaking England by my fat self and had a fabulous time.  I don’t want to wait anymore.  For anything.  Or anybody.

And I guess I’m grieving that old fantasy, both embracing the full truth of who I am and pushing it away.  But the more I can wrap my arms around myself, the braver I’ll be about going after what I want.  Like deciding to spend two weeks in Tucson this winter.  I’m renting a little house on the desert because I loved Tucson twenty years ago when we vacationed there and have always wanted to go back.  Because my allergist said I would do better in a warm, dry climate.  Because my shrink said to get out of the dark this winter.

So, I’ve been taking my cats on practice runs to get them used to being in the car for long stretches.  Because I want them with me in the desert.  And we’re figuring it out.  Like I’m figuring me out.  And we all may get car sick on the way.  And we all may cry, and mew, and protest.  But at least that’s a new song.

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16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Michelle at The Green Study
    Oct 21, 2014 @ 08:20:45

    It’s tough to let go of the “when… then…” versions of ourselves. Sometimes it seems like a security blanket until it becomes a prison. This is the thing about getting older that I really enjoy – you realize how much does not matter and start doing the things that make you happy. Even though you feel like you’re in a rinse, repeat cycle, you’re doing some amazing, wise things.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Oct 21, 2014 @ 16:37:17

      Thanks for your words, Michelle. Until I started prying my fingers loose of this old dream, I didn’t realize how much I depended on it. This grief is weird.

      Reply

  2. Littlesundog
    Oct 21, 2014 @ 09:38:49

    I like this idea of a new song. I have had two Bewick’s Wrens on the back porch lately. They trill their morning song, eat the leftover squirrel scraps (I still have Mr. Gambini and Punkin hanging about) and then they set off for the day. I have tried this myself… a new resolve to change much in my life. Discard what isn’t working and let it go. Try new things… travel – even if just a few miles out to photograph in the mornings and evenings.

    I wish we could work in the woodlands together… stoking the burn pile and clearing paths in the woodlands. It’s therapeutic work and keeps me in shape. I think you would love it, my friend. Good for the body and spirit.

    Reply

  3. Kitt O'Malley
    Oct 21, 2014 @ 10:26:50

    Enjoy Tucson. Hope your cats enjoy the ride. 🙂 Seasonal affective disorder is quite common among us bipolar disordered. I, too, have allergies, as well as asthma. Fall allergies create a petri dish of our lungs, making them ripe for bronchitis. Take care of yourself, your physical health. Physical illness leads to worsening bipolar symptoms.

    Reply

  4. radiatingblossom
    Oct 21, 2014 @ 11:32:07

    You’re beautiful just the way you are my friend… 🙂

    Reply

  5. Servetus
    Oct 21, 2014 @ 21:04:46

    I think, if you know you’ve sort of passed the midpoint, there’s a question to be asked, which is, what am I going to spend my limited spare energy worrying about? Good to get priorities in order and be realistic is my personal opinion.

    Reply

  6. David Kanigan
    Oct 22, 2014 @ 05:53:03

    We all repeat ourselves friend, you aren’t alone.

    Reply

  7. pegoleg
    Oct 22, 2014 @ 16:59:58

    Jeez, Louise, Sandy. You’ve got me going “hear, hear” at the same time I’m saying, “no, don’t give up!” Soooooo understand that part about the body and the crone-hood, and I’m not even bipolar.

    I love that you’re taking yourself and your feline menagerie on a get-away this winter. How brave of you!

    Reply

  8. jinjerstanton
    Oct 26, 2014 @ 20:29:30

    I love Tucson. I think two weeks there ought to be fabulous!

    Reply

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