This bipolar business has gotten to the point where the only thing my therapist can say is, “I’m sorry.”
I stretched out in the hot tub longer than usual yesterday, targeting all the sore places—the fibromyalgia that comes with the really deep depression—and a thought rose. It’s been surfacing more frequently lately. If there was a new drug for this, I’d take it. That’s when I know it’s really bad. Because I’ve tried all the drugs already. Help isn’t coming from pharmacology. But, I still dream of a Magic Pill.
I’ve been watching a lot of The West Wing. Remember that show? Martin Sheen as President? In one episode some of the White House staff miss the motorcade and have to schlepp across Indiana on their own. They meet a man in a bar who’s trying to make ends meet. “Life is hard,” he tells them, not knowing who they are, “but it should be. I don’t mind that. I just need it to be a tiny bit easier. Just a little bit.”
Boy, howdy, I get that.
I know living with mental illness is hard. I don’t expect that to change. But, if it was just the tiniest bit easier, I think I could…
I don’t know how to end that sentence.
…keep going.
There are days when I give up. When the first whole thought that comes in the morning is “My life stinks.” When I spend all my money on junk food and eat for hours at a time. When the sound of a human voice hurts my skin. When my thoughts are so ugly and poisonous that I just shut the door on thinking at all. There are days when the only thing keeping me alive is my responsibility to my cats. I’ve had a lot of these days lately.
I don’t want to post about this. I don’t want to load the ether with ichor. But it’s either that or nothing right now.
Right now.
That seems hopeful.
SandySue Altered
May 01, 2014 @ 06:45:07
Personally, I think it helps to get the thoughts OUT THERE. I appreciate this post. Thank you.
May 01, 2014 @ 06:48:19
Thanks for reading, Ann.
May 01, 2014 @ 07:11:30
Sometimes right now is enough. Getting the words out, saying out loud where you’re at, somehow loosens the grip. I do hope it is that way for you and just a little easier soon.
May 01, 2014 @ 16:52:19
What you did today made it easier.
May 01, 2014 @ 07:24:16
You write about your pain so eloquently. I don’t know how you do it, but you manage to express yourself without self-pity. I think you are very admirable, Sandy Sue. Always glad to hear your thoughts. And cats are so WONDERFUL! For many reasons. I miss mine terribly.
May 01, 2014 @ 11:40:09
I *do* worry about sounding whiny, but then I figure it’s a mental illness, not a bad hair day, so I guess I can squat on the pity pot if I want to. Thanks, Marie.
May 01, 2014 @ 12:13:38
well, you don’t so don’t worry about it. 🙂
May 01, 2014 @ 08:14:04
This is what I appreciate about your writing, Sandy. It’s personal and real. It helps some of us relate and feel less alone in our desperation. It gives me courage to talk about my own thoughts.
May 01, 2014 @ 11:37:56
I love you.
May 01, 2014 @ 08:30:49
Hang in there. I can totally relate to your statement “There are days when the only thing keeping me alive is my responsibility to my cats.” That is part of the reason I got a dog. They need us to be there for them. Hugs.
May 01, 2014 @ 11:37:41
and they love us unconditionally. thanks for reading.
May 01, 2014 @ 08:35:15
I am pulling for you,Sandy. You are a special and talented woman. You are needed and appreciated and I am so glad to have met you. Keep trying, that’s the best you can do. Just don’t give up.
May 01, 2014 @ 11:36:54
thanks dee
May 01, 2014 @ 08:39:13
If it helps, I learned the meaning of ichor. Right now IS hopeful, I agree.
May 01, 2014 @ 11:36:37
thanks maggie
May 01, 2014 @ 09:32:58
Right now. Keep tight to that thought. Wish it was better, Sandy.
May 01, 2014 @ 11:36:16
thanks peg
May 04, 2014 @ 11:17:13
Oh, Sandy Sue…love your writing…and you.
May 04, 2014 @ 14:53:10
Thanks, Carol.
May 05, 2014 @ 02:30:30
I do love your writing, and getting your thoughts out to the world is way better than holding them all in. My hopes are with you Sandy Sue.
May 05, 2014 @ 04:00:44
Sweet words from across the Pond. Thank you.
Jun 01, 2014 @ 10:55:21
Hi! I’m getting caught up on reading after being MIA and thought, “What a coincidence!” – around the time you posted this, I, too, was watching West Wing, having just discovered it at Netflix, I spent my tired evenings, curled in the couch corner and happily entering the never-never-land of politicians who do care – – LOL .
Jun 01, 2014 @ 13:43:40
I’m so glad you’re back, and that you’re binge-blogging!
Jun 01, 2014 @ 13:44:54
Binge liking/commenting is more like it – hope you forgive me as I get caught up with your world!
🙂