You Know It’s Bad When…

CrazyThis bipolar business has gotten to the point where the only thing my therapist can say is, “I’m sorry.”

I stretched out in the hot tub longer than usual yesterday, targeting all the sore places—the fibromyalgia that comes with the really deep depression—and a thought rose.  It’s been surfacing more frequently lately.  If there was a new drug for this, I’d take it.  That’s when I know it’s really bad.  Because I’ve tried all the drugs already.  Help isn’t coming from pharmacology.  But, I still dream of a Magic Pill.

I’ve been watching a lot of The West Wing.  Remember that show?  Martin Sheen as President?  In one episode some of the White House staff miss the motorcade and have to schlepp across Indiana on their own.  They meet a man in a bar who’s trying to make ends meet.  “Life is hard,” he tells them, not knowing who they are, “but it should be.  I don’t mind that.  I just need it to be a tiny bit easier.  Just a little bit.”

Boy, howdy, I get that.

I know living with mental illness is hard.  I don’t expect that to change.  But, if it was just the tiniest bit easier, I think I could…

I don’t know how to end that sentence.

…keep going.

There are days when I give up.  When the first whole thought that comes in the morning is “My life stinks.”  When I spend all my money on junk food and eat for hours at a time.  When the sound of a human voice hurts my skin.  When my thoughts are so ugly and poisonous that I just shut the door on thinking at all.  There are days when the only thing keeping me alive is my responsibility to my cats.  I’ve had a lot of these days lately.

I don’t want to post about this.  I don’t want to load the ether with ichor.  But it’s either that or nothing right now.

Right now.

That seems hopeful.

24 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ann Koplow
    May 01, 2014 @ 06:45:07

    Personally, I think it helps to get the thoughts OUT THERE. I appreciate this post. Thank you.


  2. Michelle at The Green Study
    May 01, 2014 @ 07:11:30

    Sometimes right now is enough. Getting the words out, saying out loud where you’re at, somehow loosens the grip. I do hope it is that way for you and just a little easier soon.


  3. Marie Astra
    May 01, 2014 @ 07:24:16

    You write about your pain so eloquently. I don’t know how you do it, but you manage to express yourself without self-pity. I think you are very admirable, Sandy Sue. Always glad to hear your thoughts. And cats are so WONDERFUL! For many reasons. I miss mine terribly.


  4. Littlesundog
    May 01, 2014 @ 08:14:04

    This is what I appreciate about your writing, Sandy. It’s personal and real. It helps some of us relate and feel less alone in our desperation. It gives me courage to talk about my own thoughts.


  5. jojaplm
    May 01, 2014 @ 08:30:49

    Hang in there. I can totally relate to your statement “There are days when the only thing keeping me alive is my responsibility to my cats.” That is part of the reason I got a dog. They need us to be there for them. Hugs.


  6. Dee Silbaugh
    May 01, 2014 @ 08:35:15

    I am pulling for you,Sandy. You are a special and talented woman. You are needed and appreciated and I am so glad to have met you. Keep trying, that’s the best you can do. Just don’t give up.


  7. Maggie Wilson
    May 01, 2014 @ 08:39:13

    If it helps, I learned the meaning of ichor. Right now IS hopeful, I agree.


  8. pegoleg
    May 01, 2014 @ 09:32:58

    Right now. Keep tight to that thought. Wish it was better, Sandy.


  9. radiatingblossom
    May 04, 2014 @ 11:17:13

    Oh, Sandy Sue…love your writing…and you.


  10. baduquainutter
    May 05, 2014 @ 02:30:30

    I do love your writing, and getting your thoughts out to the world is way better than holding them all in. My hopes are with you Sandy Sue.


  11. TamrahJo
    Jun 01, 2014 @ 10:55:21

    Hi! I’m getting caught up on reading after being MIA and thought, “What a coincidence!” – around the time you posted this, I, too, was watching West Wing, having just discovered it at Netflix, I spent my tired evenings, curled in the couch corner and happily entering the never-never-land of politicians who do care – – LOL .


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