Thaw

Promise of SpringThere’s melt in the streets.  And a strange sound over my head—water drizzling down from the eaves into the downspouts.  Winter is letting up—at least it’s affording us a breather.  A collective sigh rises up from the whole town.  Folks hunched over their coffee cups at the café sit up a little straighter.  Smiles come a little easier to winter-tired faces.

My own internal winter is letting up as well.

Wednesday I hit a wall of despair.  Swimming my laps in the pool, I knew I couldn’t go back to my apartment for one more day of fighting myself and losing.  I gave my self permission to go to Des Moines.  After six weeks of frugal living, I allowed a therapeutic splurge.

The movie was awful, but the actual movie is never the point.  It’s the going.  It’s the ritual of driving through Starbucks, going into Panera for my bagel, sitting in the huge, empty food court and writing in my journal with earbuds firmly in place.  It’s the familiar rite of ticket, popcorn, and finding the perfect seat.  It’s making a nest and soaking in the previews—all those good movies coming.  The rhythm of ritual is comfort and safety.  It’s my rosary with a different kind of bead.

Afterward I went to Barnes and Noble to read magazines and fell asleep in the big easy chair.  So tired.  Worn through by this long depression.  Then, meditation with my friends, who were so glad to see me after six weeks away.  And in our quiet conversation, I felt the melt begin.  A subtle shift of temperature.  A warming of my mental air.  I thought the day and my friends might have just cheered me a little—I’ve been fooled by false springs before.  But, the thaw seems to be holding.

I can feel my brain recalibrating and leavening as the mental ice floes break apart.  It’s a little easier to do what I want instead of being driven by compulsion.  There’s a suggestion of joy, like the tremor of seeds under the frozen earth.  And it’s enough.  Just knowing winter doesn’t last forever.  It’s enough.

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Debbi
    Mar 07, 2014 @ 09:14:30

    This is exactly how I feel right now. I’ve become a zombie in my home, so I’m trying to think of a place to simply drive to in the sunshine, perhaps not buy anything, but to take in the people and atmosphere and maybe bring my iPad and keyboard to write in the TeaHaus I may visit after the all soy candle store and browsing through the too expensive shops for me to afford specialty shops of olive oil and balsamic vinegar and such at the ritzy mall of Kerrytown. My only problem is that I’ve been cooped up so long that allowing myself to leave the house without anxiety and drive to this place is a treat consideration in and of itself.

    Anyway, it intiated the beginning of a rally of my creativity that I hope will increase all day. 🙂

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Mar 07, 2014 @ 14:48:16

      Julie Cameron in her Artist Way books talks about how we all need Artist Dates to fill our creative wells. Beautiful sights, smells, comforts all replenish what feels so sere and empty. I hope you open the car window and sing while you drive.

      Reply

      • Debbi
        Mar 07, 2014 @ 18:09:11

        I own the Artist’s Way, and though I’m sometimes a slacker, I totally believe in the Artist’s Date…and…yes…I do open the window and sing when I drive…as well as dance in my seat at red lights.

      • Sandy Sue
        Mar 07, 2014 @ 20:09:14

        You go, girl!

  2. Dee Silbaugh
    Mar 07, 2014 @ 09:29:58

    I don’t think I have ever looked forward to Spring as much as this year. Winter has been dragging us all down, down, down. Even the sunshine has been deceiving us many days making us believe its much nicer than it really is. We all need to thaw out our cold cold doldrums.

    Reply

  3. barb allison
    Mar 07, 2014 @ 11:11:23

    Sandy Sue, I love the way you use words and PAINT a vivid picture. This piece is also inspirational. I’m copying it to share with my daughter, who writes/journals. I sooo enjoyed our time together yesterday. Love and hugs

    Reply

  4. Littlesundog
    Mar 07, 2014 @ 19:41:19

    Even here in the South the winter has droned on and on. And, we need rain/moisture so badly. Maybe we’re over the hump now that it’s March!

    Reply

  5. pegoleg
    Mar 10, 2014 @ 16:22:04

    Praying for spring for you, Sandy – of the mind, the soul, the spirit and the earth.

    Reply

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