This series on gratitude started as a whistle in the dark, a talisman against the darkness and bogey-boos lurking there. It’s my version of faith, I guess—throwing out a thin line into the black and believing it will pass through into something greater.
It takes effort, gratitude. It takes a conscious wrenching away from the ugly, subconscious natterings to fix one’s gaze on a blessing. It takes a willingness to soften the defensive posture long enough to let the blessing sink in. It takes practice.
Today, I’m tired of the fight. My therapist moved furniture out of the way for me yesterday so I could pace while I sobbed and raged. She was very kind to me, offered a couple of things to think about in a soft, non-confrontational way. She can shift gears like that—slapping me upside the head when it’s needed, but also sitting quietly and just listening when it’s the only thing to be done. I feel safe with her. I feel like I have a partner, finally, in dealing with my life.
And I feel the thread unrolling out of me again—this filament of grace and light, this acknowledgment of blessing and bounty. I am grateful for Megan and all she’s brought to my life in such a short period of time. And I am hopeful about what that gossamer strand may find on the other side of the void.
Today, I’ll try to rest in this place while the depression and agitation swirl. I’ll hold to that delicate string without clutching, without adding more drama. I’ll remind myself to breathe. And to wait. And to be grateful.
SandySue Altered
Dec 28, 2013 @ 11:28:47
You have such strength and determination. I am in awe of your spirit!
Dec 28, 2013 @ 17:50:20
Thanks for your kind words, Denise.
Dec 28, 2013 @ 11:39:40
This helped me today. I’ve been in the dark for weeks and weeks. I did have one great day though… One day when I was Who I Am… the real me… The one I can barely remember. So thank you for this today.
Dec 28, 2013 @ 17:51:10
I love you. I know that makes no difference whatsoever. Not when we’re in this place. But it might mean something later.
Dec 28, 2013 @ 16:01:57
“throwing out a thin line into the black and believing it will pass through into something greater” – beautifully stated – here’s to you finding peace…
Dec 28, 2013 @ 17:51:30
You are a kind man, David.
Dec 29, 2013 @ 12:31:10
These words of yours make me think of summer days when I’m tired and spent from the physical work on this place, when I’m at rock bottom from the endless thoughts of ego, keeping me in misery as I toil away at the land. I crawl onto my pool raft at the end of the days work, and sink in, letting the gentle movement of water soothe me. The sun warms my skin, and I rest.
Be the little spider on the floating gossamer. You will find your landing spot soon.
Dec 29, 2013 @ 20:49:39
I think everyone knows some form of this place. Being soothed and resting.
Jan 01, 2014 @ 13:02:33
“And I feel the thread unrolling out of me again—this filament of grace and light, this acknowledgment of blessing and bounty.” – Sandy Sue, there is so much strength in your words. Hang onto that my friend.
Jan 01, 2014 @ 16:46:28
Thanks, Carol. You are a mirror for me.