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After a week in ICU, Mom was getting better. Yesterday, we moved her into a regular hospital room with a nice view. She was alert and making her wishes known. Unfortunately, her wish was to die.
She told the nurses to take away her heart monitor. She refused food and all medication, even a Tylenol for pain. When her oxygen saturation levels dropped, she refused oxygen. At those low levels, her brain will become oxygen-starved soon, and after that, the rest of her organs.
As always, Mom attended the details. She waited until my brother left yesterday morning before starting her refusals. She wanted him on the road and unreachable. She will take a few sips of ice water, but makes us fill the cup where she can watch. She doesn’t want us slipping her any medication Mickeys.
As someone who has tried suicide, I should understand this better. As someone who knows first hand my mom’s fierce need for control, I should have seen this coming. Maybe it’s just that we spent the last week wrenching her back from an accidental death, watching in amazement as her 88-year-old body rallied in ways that shocked the medical team. Strong-willed, she just chose to point that will in a different direction.
My sister and I tried to wrap our heads around this, flipping from anger to despair to resignation. But, my nephew reminded us that this is what Mom wants, this is her choice, and that all we have to do it stay out of her way. I can do that today. I can watch Mom meet death the way she met life—on her own terms.
SandySue Altered
May 21, 2013 @ 07:42:24
So sorry to hear that you’re going through this. If it were me and my 88 year old mom, who’s still hearty and with me, I’d be there to respect her wishes. I’d be there. I’d sit and hold her hand and talk about good memories. There’s no point in arguing at this time, no point in trying to sway her. All my best to you and your mom. Hope you can find some peace.
May 21, 2013 @ 14:46:13
Much thanks
May 21, 2013 @ 07:45:00
I am so sorry, such a difficult time in your life! Life just is not easy! Just when you thought things were bad, things got worse! Know that I am here loving you!
May 21, 2013 @ 14:46:25
Thanks, Nancy
May 21, 2013 @ 07:51:19
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Your mother sounds amazing!
May 21, 2013 @ 14:46:46
thanks so much
May 21, 2013 @ 08:29:11
You are wise, albeit painfully so, to recognize your mother’s wishes. Take care of yourself and may your family find some peace in this process.
May 21, 2013 @ 14:47:05
thanks for your kindness, as always.
May 21, 2013 @ 09:09:19
Love to you.
May 21, 2013 @ 14:47:22
thanks, Vivien.
May 21, 2013 @ 12:51:21
Very sorry for your loss, SS. You always hear that no matter how long you know someone, you can’t completely get inside their head. I hope your mom is at peace and that you and your family can find some, too.
May 21, 2013 @ 14:47:41
Thanks so much for your kindness, Steve.
May 21, 2013 @ 17:44:00
Sandy, I’m so, so sorry. I hope you can find peace and acceptance, and comfort in the love of your family.
May 21, 2013 @ 22:39:10
Thanks, Peg. I feel a little like a fraud after what happened today. All part of the whiplash, I guess.
May 21, 2013 @ 18:11:50
Sandy, I do not seem to have any words of comfort. It’s what she wants, and it should be respected. One of the most difficult, but loving things we do for those we love… is to allow. Allowing people to be who they are and to live (and die) as they wish. What a gift you and your family give her… to be free to exit this life as she wishes.
I love you so much… I am thinking of you, dear friend.
May 21, 2013 @ 22:41:45
You are a comfort, Lori.
May 21, 2013 @ 19:11:50
I am so sorry. There is no easy way through this for any of you. Sending you much love, and praying for peace in the hours and days ahead. xoxo
May 21, 2013 @ 22:42:59
Thanks so much for your kindness. The situation has changed now, and will probably keep changing. Peace is the right thing to pray for.
May 21, 2013 @ 22:47:15
Perhaps the only constant right now is change … sigh. How are you holding up?
May 21, 2013 @ 22:51:03
You’re so sweet to ask. I’m fried and looking forward to a break tomorrow.
May 21, 2013 @ 22:55:25
I’m glad you will take a break. “Hospital time” is a universe unto itself, as you so eloquently spoke of in your previous post. Rest well.You not only need it, you deserve it. Take good care. ❤
May 23, 2013 @ 08:06:15
Yeah, The Hospital has to be an episode of Doctor Who.
May 21, 2013 @ 22:13:15
My almost 88-yr old happy, musical, fun, nature-loving, always kind Betty-Mom died in April 2011. It was a very good life she had, and a not-so-bad death: even tho she had Alzeimer’s, she recognized us, beauty, kindness. We danced to live music at senior dances often, drove out in the country, marveled at clouds and nature’s beauty, sang along with Tony Bennet and laughed and laughed those last four years. My 2 yrs younger sister & hubby chose to have Dad and Mom live with them their last 5 years, but I got to do all the fun stuff with them. We give what we can and that’s a gift I got from Mom. Be gentle with yourself as you are with your mother at this, her chosen time. Hugs.
May 21, 2013 @ 22:45:02
Your relationship with your mom sounds magical. What a gift.
May 22, 2013 @ 05:11:48
My dear departed Mother’s favourite saying…”Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining”
(I read tomorrow before I read today.) xxx
May 23, 2013 @ 08:08:29
🙂