Late Trains

Nathan Fillion, Malcolm Reynolds, Serenity, FireflyI’ve been waiting a week now for help, waiting for my therapist to return my calls, waiting for the hospital’s day program to accept me, waiting for the mental health professionals to save me.  I’m beginning to think like my Firefly friend, Malcolm Reynolds.  He tells Shepherd Book, “I ain’t lookin’ for help from on high.  That’s a long wait for a train don’t come.”

Even if Mercy calls today, I wouldn’t start partial hospitalization until Monday.  That’s three more days I have to get through.  The prospect of spending three more days holed up in my jammies is unacceptable.  If I have to work my way out of this by myself, then I’d better get started.

There’s still a Bad Ass inside me, still a part of me that fights to live.  I can’t just forget all the training I’ve gone through, all the work and effort I’ve made to come to terms with this bipolar business.  I’m tired just now from the fight, and resentful of how hard I have to work every day.  Every gorram day.  But waiting for help that may never come isn’t the answer.  It’s up to me.  It always has been.

So, impossible as it seems, I’ll get dressed.  I’ll go to my water aerobics class and reassure my friends there.  I’ll take myself to breakfast and journal my way through this strange situation.  I’ll take back the DVDs I’ve watched and get a few groceries.  I’ll take care of myself.

I never much cared for trains anyway.

18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Snoring Dog Studio
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 07:34:34

    Do that, girl. Though it might feel like you’re wading through quicksand, do the things that you’d do if you were feeling better. Take care of yourself. Sometimes, we can’t rely on someone else to do that. We have to do it ourselves.


  2. Evolution of X
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 08:01:24

    Boy I loved Firefly. Malcolm was a great character. So sorry your train didn’t come. More power to you in the meantime, sister. I know your inner Bad Ass can take care of business. Just keep channeling the spirit of Malcolm (or Xena or Ripley or Starbuck or Bruce!) I’ll be thinking about you.


  3. Michelle at The Green Study
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 08:11:06

    Anybody who quotes “Firefly” can kick depression’s ass for a few more days. In the words of Wash “Oh my god. What can it be? We’re all doomed! Who’s flying this thing!? Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.”
    You’re flying this thing for now. Glad to hear you’re taking care of yourself.


  4. pegoleg
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 08:52:34

    Sounds like a smart plan, Sandy. Keep going through the motions of normalcy until it starts to seem normal again and you can get help. I’m rooting for you.


  5. Littlesundog
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 09:45:24

    Keep focused and riveted to the Bad Ass within. I’m sending positive energy your way… and I love you, dear friend!


  6. TamrahJo
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 10:00:04

    I’ll lay money on the Bad Ass being victorious, every time 🙂


  7. ManicMuses
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 10:58:46

    Sandy, you can be an even bigger/better badass than River when someone is threatening Simon. 🙂 Hang in, my friend. Mail me if you want to.


  8. Morbid Insanity
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 12:03:01

    “I’ll take care of myself.”
    That’s awesome! I’m trying to do the same. It’s difficult, sometimes, but the most important is to keep the focus and don’t let the will fade away.


  9. mrfrancisbaraaniv
    Apr 30, 2013 @ 02:09:38

    Hello, Sandy! You are one of the fifteen bloggers I nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. The award says it all, I guess, and I believe you deserve it. Cheers! Congrats! =) — Francis


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