The Not-So-Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Evidence of Insanity

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My mood tanked a few days ago.  That’s why I’ve been posting videos.  I’m at that place where I’m sure no one could possibly tolerate my whingeing or have any interest in my detailed suicide plans.  Such are the torqued thoughts that needle into my head.  But, when I started this enterprise two years ago, I promised to be transparent—the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly all laid out for inspection like a mental yard sale.

This would be the Bad.  Okay, maybe also the Ugly.

I’m labeling this a Severe Depressive Episode, so severe that I considered asking my therapist to get me checked into the Day Treatment Program at Mercy Hospital.  But, she was completely booked today, so I didn’t see her.  And I was too exhausted and brain-fried to ask to see another therapist or to declare an emergency.  I just ate Ben & Jerry’s, watched a couple of episodes of Firefly, and went to bed.

Or, I will go to bed as soon as I post this.

I’m trying not to think, just find a warm hole to crawl into until the worst of this passes.  All the usual symptoms are in play.  Wikipedia lists them if you’re curious.  Just scroll down to Depressive Episodes.  That’s me.  Except for hallucinations.  I haven’t rung that bell yet.

Okay.  That’s all I can manage.

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23 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ellebeavis
    Apr 18, 2013 @ 17:08:48

    Hey, keep passing the open windows friend. Sending you virtual hugs.

    Reply

  2. adjicio
    Apr 18, 2013 @ 17:38:03

    I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time right now. I’ve been feeling down myself for the last couple weeks. This weather certainly isn’t helping either of us, I’m sure! The one thing I always know that I can count on is that the mood will pass in time, as everything does. I just wanted to say thank you for all that you’ve created and shared on your blog, your posts have always been a source of great interest and inspiration =) Please be sure to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and know that your words are a strong positive force for a lot of readers like me!

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 19, 2013 @ 00:39:04

      And all of that back to you, too. My mom asked today if the weather was affecting me. That’s her go-to rationale for my mood swings and seems to give her some comfort. It’s just too horrifying to imagine that nothing and everything might be the cause.

      Reply

  3. Gary Leigh
    Apr 18, 2013 @ 17:55:47

    Depression is a problem of so many nowadays. Many empaths are prone to depression, but are not aware they are empaths.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 19, 2013 @ 00:35:48

      Interesting. Do you consider yourself an empath?

      Reply

      • Gary Leigh
        Apr 19, 2013 @ 00:36:54

        Yes, I certainly do. I have learned to control it, mostly, though I can’t stop those feelings of impending doom that come from time to time.

      • Sandy Sue
        Apr 19, 2013 @ 00:49:21

        I can see how one could get enmeshed in others’ emotional turmoil—our sensitivity is quite different from the norm. I have another bipolar friend with similar issues. It must be exhausting.

      • Gary Leigh
        Apr 19, 2013 @ 00:52:30

        Can be. Fortunately, I have ways of controlling it. I don’t think I’d like to be cut off from it. It’s a very potent tool for helping and healing others.

  4. Littlesundog
    Apr 18, 2013 @ 18:35:18

    Your transparency is what I find most intriguing about your blog posts. You venture into areas that many of us aren’t courageous enough to go to. I love that you express your thoughts and feelings… I don’t feel so alone in my own bad and ugly thoughts. Your experience has led you to this place of understanding and compassion of life. You have mentored and encouraged me as no other friend has ever done. You are a kind of mental surgeon, who works in the blood and guts of life, helping others heal simply by slapping your surgical gloves on and sharing your experience,

    I LOVE today’s artwork! But, what on earth are “Zoological Eyes”? And I don’t remember a wild eyebrow when I met you!

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 19, 2013 @ 00:35:09

      Ooo. Mental surgeon. I like that and shiver at the image. It has a Criminal Minds/Island of Dr. Moreau feel to it. Very apt.

      The stamp for today’s card came from Teesha Moore, one of my favorite mixed-artists. I think of “Zoological Eyes” as a sort of wild dog look. Does not plucking one’s eyebrows constitute wild?

      Reply

  5. bipolarmuse
    Apr 18, 2013 @ 22:26:04

    Hallucinations, for me, came with extreme mania and trauma.
    I hope you pull through quickly… release the negativity in healthy ways… writing, hot baths, exercise. My thoughts are with you.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 19, 2013 @ 00:29:41

      I romanticize the idea of hallucinations—slipping into another reality. But I’m sure it must be a kind of hell and not pretty at all. My thanks for your attending thoughts.

      Reply

  6. Moss Piglet
    Apr 19, 2013 @ 03:17:19

    …so admire your ability to keep posting. I just turned into a blob of jelly for a month of downness and could not express my self…x

    Reply

  7. ManicMuses
    Apr 19, 2013 @ 07:42:05

    Just read your post after a few days off from reading. How are you doing today? Mail me if you want xo

    Reply

  8. pegoleg
    Apr 19, 2013 @ 10:29:25

    Oh sweetie, wish I could think of wise words to say. I wish that wise words could help. Just know that people who care are thinking of you and praying for you.

    Reply

  9. TamrahJo
    Apr 19, 2013 @ 10:35:12

    Love, Hugs, upbeat comments, a rendition of “Gloom, Despair and Agony on me” by the hillbilly quintet, flippant jokes, mental flowers and candy all sent your way – pick whichever you most want or need and put the others in the closet for another time…
    🙂

    Reply

  10. rachelmiller1511
    Apr 20, 2013 @ 04:25:38

    You can get through this Sandy- I’m rooting for you & sending love & hugs. xxx

    Reply

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