Still Here

handmade greeting card, collage artEvery once in a while, I like to throw out the factoid that most of the folks with my type of bipolar disorder (rapid cycling with mixed states) are either in group homes or institutionalized.  It’s one of those literary conceits meant to shock the reader.  It also provides a nice rationale for whatever craziness I happen to be experiencing at the moment.  Generally, I don’t think too much about it.

But yesterday, my friend Vivien at Manic Muses wrote about coming home after a week in hospital, recovering from a mixed state.  As she described her symptoms, my mouth went dry.  Holy shite, I thought, that’s my life.

I forget.  I forget that the prognosis is so poor for my type of bipolar disorder because a majority of sufferers choose suicide as a treatment.  I forget that I’m sort of a miracle.

Today, I’m thinking it’s okay that I’m overweight.  It’s okay that I’m anti-social and a pain in the ass.  It’s okay that I burst into tears in the locker room yesterday with a couple of my swim buddies holding me.  It’s okay that I fight with my compulsions and lose.

Because I’m free, and I’m still here.

This is my 601st post.  That seems like a big deal, too.

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26 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Littlesundog
    Apr 06, 2013 @ 09:22:19

    Sandy, your posts truly inspire me. I haven’t gone back and read all 601 posts, but I’ve pondered many of them, gathering insight and learning more about your life. I feel a little silly with my own depression and obstacles overcoming childhood and crazy life, when I read about your struggles.

    It is quite a feat to be where you are. I see so many wonderful and powerful aspects of your life, and it means so much that you share thoughts in your blogging. Can you imagine if you inspire me (with not so many concerns) how it must inspire so many who deal with mixed-state and rapid cycling and so many other issues… to know you’re still free?

    You’re a miracle to me, my friend… and our friendship was surely meant to be. I needed inspiration and love… and there you were!

    Reply

  2. TamrahJo
    Apr 06, 2013 @ 09:54:20

    Congrats on the 601st post and hanging in there – –
    My dad always said,
    “Keep your chin up – the gravel gets rough”
    A platitude, to be sure, when life becomes a twister, but for me, it always made me laugh and feel better – hope it does the same for you!

    Reply

  3. Snoring Dog Studio
    Apr 06, 2013 @ 10:02:48

    Please be still here for the rest of us. I’m so glad I discovered your blog. You help me realize that we can all experience difficult mental and emotional lapses or states, and still get up and go on. Stay free. You matter so much.

    Reply

  4. LindaNoel
    Apr 06, 2013 @ 16:27:21

    YES ! And I’m so glad you are Still Here and that I “found” your blog !!!
    Have you seen the Youtube of Rita Hayworth dancing to Stayin’ Alive? http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=mz3CPzdCDws
    Alcoholism and Alzheimer’s got her in the end, but she had some damn fun dancing while it lasted ! me too . . . some of all that…

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 06, 2013 @ 20:36:26

      OMG, Linda, that was FAB-u-lous! She was such a gorgeous woman. ThankyouThankyouThankyou for sharing that!

      Reply

      • LindaNoel
        Apr 07, 2013 @ 11:45:40

        Even though I’ve only been experiencing your blog for a couple of months, I feel “At Last! I can give something to YOU ! ” (stayin’ alive) yea!

      • Sandy Sue
        Apr 07, 2013 @ 20:44:12

        I’m stunned by your generosity. Many, many thanks, Linda.

      • LindaNoel
        Apr 08, 2013 @ 16:35:12

        Re the generous thing…I had to force myself not to order you to use it for the vehicle fund…hah hah hah my pleasure ! LindaNoel

  5. Penny
    Apr 06, 2013 @ 17:04:22

    It’s all okay… and I go on record saying that I have never thought of you as anti-social or a pain in the ass!! You are simply my friend and kindred spirit, and I am so glad you are in my life!! Yay, US!!!!

    Reply

  6. bipolaronfire
    Apr 06, 2013 @ 19:45:15

    601 posts and alive?!?! I congratulate you.

    Reply

  7. ManicMuses
    Apr 07, 2013 @ 02:04:55

    🙂 Self acceptance is really one of the hardest parts about being bipolar, isn’t it? You hit that nail right on the head! You are still free and you are still here and that is *more* than OK. Love ya, Sandy.

    Reply

  8. pegoleg
    Apr 07, 2013 @ 08:32:07

    All that stuff IS OK. Keep on truckin babe. Here’s to 601 more.

    Reply

  9. Barb A.
    Apr 08, 2013 @ 11:00:10

    You are one of the most delightful “pain in the ass” people I know. (: The world needs you. Hugs….Barb A.

    Reply

  10. rangerdelta72
    Apr 20, 2013 @ 16:18:51

    Miss Sandy Sue, it has been a privlege to read your post today. I still continue to stuggle with my personal brand of bipolar & schizophrenic symptoms, along with drug addictions and on again off again recovery. But I now understand the freedom you write about. Although my life is chaotic regularly and my mental state, even with meds, flucuates all over the place by the second, I have come to feel the freedom from it all. And it truly is a freedom bourne from acceptance, the acceptance that I really am different than most, acceptance of my short-comings mentally and/or physically. And my favorite, acceptance to share my monsters with the world. I’ve come to relize the reason why I started my blog, which was to share the “sideways view” my illness has given me. Most folks avoid our kind out of fear. I want to share my demons from inside to show everyone there’s nothing to fear, but something that everyone who reads or listens to, can learn a valuable lesson from, if they would only give us a chance. I have come to a personal freedom, that our defective ways have given us a much broader, even stronger knowlege than our “normal” counterparts in our societies worldwide will ever hope to possess. You have inspired me to keep working on my own blog, to share our special abilities, & meet awesome people like you. Thank You so much. God Bless you.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 20, 2013 @ 16:48:58

      Dear Ranger. I believe you are spot on about acceptance being the key. Once we stop fighting who and what we are, we can use our energies in more healthsome ways. I will be coming over to visit your words soon.

      Reply

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