It Takes A Village

handmand greeting card, collage artMichelle’s post today in The Green Study got me thinking.  She focused on how easy it is to over-share in blogs and wondered if it’s all just naval-gazing from self-absorbed recluses.

Well, that would be me.

My gazing tends to point farther north to what’s in my skull, but I am self-absorbed and self-centered.  I justify this by reminding myself that most people with my flavor of bipolar disorder are living in group homes or institutionalized.  Self-absorption or self-preservation, I can’t tell the difference any more.

The recluse part of me is something I’ve started reframing as healthy instead of pathological.  For years I’ve heard how “telling” it was when I isolated, cut myself off from others, quite reaching out, and turned down social engagements.  My health posse at the time would panic, remove all sharp objects and count the pills in my bottles.  They had good reason.  I did try it once.

But, I’m discovering the joys of reclusiveness.  Well, not joy exactly.  Peace is better descriptor.

People wear me out.  Yesterday on my walk around the neighborhood, I saw a little girl (who didn’t know any better) tease a puppy that was tied to a stake.  She didn’t hurt the puppy, but I could hear the meanness in her preschool voice and the pitiful whine of the puppy.  It made me sick and scared, and I hated myself for not doing something about it.  Something gentle.  Something as easy as walking across the street to talk to her and lay a calm hand on the puppy’s head.  But, I didn’t do that.  I walked faster.

When got home, I was sad and tired, disappointed in myself, and could feel my mood slip/slide like ice over black water.  I made a pizza, plugged in an episode of Fringe, and put on my nightgown—done with the outside world and with people.  Then, my doorbell rang.

A casual friend from swim class and also from my meditation group ferreted out where I lived by Sherlockian means—knowing my truck, seeing where it was parked in the apartment lot, peeking at the collaged sign on my front door.  She was hesitant, cautious about showing up unannounced.  She said she had something for me.

It’s always disconcerting when someone rings my doorbell.  Firstly, it’s rare.  Secondly, it’s usually politicians or the landlord.  Thirdly, I’m usually in my nightie.  My little apartment is private space where Henry, Emmett and I weave a cocoon of safety.  Company jangles us.  I may not dash under the bed like Emmett, or growl like Henry when the doorbell rings, but I understand the sentiment.  Still, I try to shift gears and put on a welcoming face.

My friend came back from the parking lot with a big box.  She said her mother ran a food bank in a neighboring county.  “I told her about you,” my friend said, “that you live on Disability and don’t have a pot to piss in.  So, Mom packed a box for you.  I hope you’re not offended.”

What is a person to do with such startling kindness?  I took the box, thanked her, introduced her to Henry and Emmett (who didn’t dive under the bed), thanked her again, and watched her leave.  I stood in my kitchen, touching the box, feeling my friend’s true regard and care.

handmade greeting cards, collage artThere are people in my life who love me, but there are others who actually like me.  They value me (their word, not mine).  They want to support me and are generous and bold in their affection.  I don’t say this because I think I’m unloveable or valueless.  When folks first get to know me, they usually like me—I’m not without a certain amount of charm—but, generally, it doesn’t last.

If folks hang around long enough or get closer, the bipolarness sours their regard.  Rage, judgment, neediness, inconsistency, intolerance have chased away friends and family.  Shutters bang closed over their faces and conversation floats on the surface like dead fish.  I wanted to say to this new friend, “Thank you so much for your gift, but if you get any closer your sweet desire to be of service will shrivel up and die.”

But, I didn’t, because, sometimes, it doesn’t shrivel up and die. Sometimes, people get their bearings and decide the hassle of me is worth it (also their words, not mine).  Sometimes they’re willing to dance with me until we find our rhythm.  I have a precious few who reaffirm their commitment when I get in this mood, who will stick with me when society at large is too jarring.

People are hard.  I’m hard.  The effort it takes to balance naval-gazing with true personal interaction seems herculean at times.  But, we make these gestures of love at each other, little acts of kindness, drive-by thoughtfulness.  So, I guess I’ll keep blogging about both—the belly button lint and the food boxes.  And maybe on my next walk around the block, I’ll be able to squat down by the little girl and pet her puppy.

Advertisements

15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. TamrahJo
    Mar 29, 2013 @ 18:44:25

    Great post and just had to comment to tell you, “Hey – I enjoy your writing and I hear ya!”

    Reply

  2. Jeff Peters
    Mar 29, 2013 @ 19:18:36

    I think all bloggers and all writers are a little self indulgent. You have to be to think strangers need to hear all the ideas bouncing around in your head. I just try not to take myself too seriosusly by thinking I’m changing the world by writing about yesterdays dinner.

    Everyone has a story to tell. It’s so easy to pass judgement but all of us are full of hopes and dreams and fears and stories. In that way blogging is quite natural.

    Reply

  3. Littlesundog
    Mar 29, 2013 @ 20:55:48

    You could be writing my story and a million others. We’re all difficult, hard and sometimes intolerable. All are worthy of being loved. You are loved Sandy. I happen to like you a whole lot too… and I’ll keep saying it even if it bugs the hell out of you!! Great post… as always!

    Reply

  4. Snoring Dog Studio
    Mar 30, 2013 @ 08:08:55

    Inspiring and sweetly told.

    Reply

  5. brennagee
    Mar 30, 2013 @ 09:39:12

    I don’t know you in person, but I can say as a reader and fellow blogger I really like you. 🙂 My best friend is bi-polar. I understand the ‘hassle of knowing you’ that you mention. Keep on writing with honesty. I appreciate you.

    Reply

  6. pegoleg
    Apr 01, 2013 @ 13:44:30

    “people are hard”. So true, Sandy and something we should all keep in mind.

    Reply

  7. LindaNoel
    Apr 02, 2013 @ 16:20:08

    SandySue, are you following me, really now ? I just came to this place inside my psyche and body, of honoring (don’t like the “trying-to-be-noble” sound of that word..uh) accepting, realizing it has been necessary, just the way it’s been, my what-you-wrote-about ! Jeez! I was overcome with Envy of a musician friend who MC’s and performs on lesbian ship cruises around the world. . .well, why can’t it be me? Well, because it can’t. Because I am me and she is she and we are we and we are not always supposed to be all together… hoo hoo hoo hee hee hah ah ah Hear the I am the Walrus? Anyway, well SAID, sista!
    LindaNoel

    Reply

  8. Evolution of X
    Apr 04, 2013 @ 20:06:13

    People wear me out too. And I wear them out. Maybe that’s why I like blogging. It’s so much easier to know what people are thinking or feeling when they just tell you and they’re so much more likely to do that in a blog. And I make so much more sense in writing. For the record, I think you’re brave and honest and eloquent. Awesome post.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 05, 2013 @ 05:00:25

      Oohhh, yes. Not having to guess or intuit or wheedle to figure out what people think or want! Not flipping through everything you said or did, and then still not understanding how you hurt/offended/ignored/violated/demeaned. Not having to interpret silence. Ugh. And those things you said about me, Tori, right back at you, girl.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog Stats

  • 137,697 hits
%d bloggers like this: