I stood at my kitchen window yesterday, watching the morning come. Prickly, my brain hot and sore, vague urges and angers surfaced in bubbles to pop, causing an instant of relief and splatter like a crime scene. I felt the craziness in me like a wild animal, pluck-pluck-plucking at my soft tissue with one, long claw.
I watched a car go by on the street. My mind mused:
I thought I’d be better by now.
And a Pandora’s Box opened. Beliefs buried underground rose. I expected my symptoms to lessen once I got off medications. I expected my compulsions to ease as I worked on mindfulness. I believed in a life where I’d be better. I planned for it. But, my symptoms are the same. My compulsions are the same. Mindfulness and being medication-free only help me See. I’m never getting better.
I’m never getting better.
After a moment of self-pity, I looked back out the window. Gray now. The tree, the sidewalk, the patches of snow. Another car went by.
Ah, the next thought settled on me. That’s what all this has been about.
Revelations come in waves, for me. They wash up over me, I get wet, then they recede. I dry off and forget about them. Except they leave sand in my shoes. The next wave comes. This one is stronger, knocks me off my feet. But, it too, recedes, and I dry off again. Each wave pushes me a little further up the surf line until, finally, I’ve altered my path enough to stay out of the water’s way.
The waves are coming fast now.
More and more, I’m being called to live Here and Now, to inhabit the person I am Now. Not planning a life for someone who doesn’t exist. It means respecting the fact that people exhaust and trigger me, accepting that food comforts and fantasy delights me. It means embracing the changeable spectrum of my capacity, knowing that one day I can create a ritual full of symbolism and spirit for a group of 25 and the next day can only take a shower before going back to bed. It means contemplating solitude and finding peace there. It means respecting myself Now—the limits, the talents, the inconsistencies. It means being willing to listen to who I am Now—what I need, what I want, what fills me up.
I don’t really know who I am Now. I know who I was. I know who I should be. I know who other people expect me to be. But, I’m willing to stand at my kitchen window until I find out. Or until another wave nudges me in the right direction.
SandySue Altered
Feb 13, 2013 @ 11:46:10
I hope your view out of that window becomes something you want to see.
I think this is the best thing you’ve ever written, Sandy.
Feb 13, 2013 @ 14:27:34
Wow. Really? You just never know, do you?
Feb 13, 2013 @ 12:06:34
Wow, this really spoke to me today about just liking who I am and not trying all the time to be different. Thanks I needed that!
Feb 13, 2013 @ 14:27:59
Thanks for hanging out with me, Nancy.
Feb 13, 2013 @ 15:11:11
I didn’t think it was appropriate to have a favorite post of your blog. Favorite implies so many things that I don’t mean. Instead I’ll say this is one of those that struck a hard beat in my heart. And a notion that a journey never ends. It was certainly something I need to feel today. 🙂
Feb 13, 2013 @ 17:13:30
I understand. thank you.
Feb 13, 2013 @ 20:43:15
Sandy, I really needed this today. Your words hold so much meaning for me these days. Thank you for giving me thoughts to reflect on, and ponder.
Feb 14, 2013 @ 06:18:09
It’s amazing how so many of us are on similar paths. We all lift each other up.
Feb 14, 2013 @ 07:41:13
By the time I got to, “I’m never getting better,” I thought my heart would break (for you and for myself). But by the end I felt calm and hopeful about learning to live now. Your honesty (and your writing) is so raw and pensive and eloquent. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought, after reading one of your essays,that I want to write like that one day.
Feb 14, 2013 @ 08:08:56
Oh, Tori. You honor me so, I don’t have words.
Feb 15, 2013 @ 19:28:24
SandySue, I ‘see’ you at your kitchen window, Being. You remind me it is enough to be alive. Oh, and I just love your little white puppy cards…… I have the “all we need is love” one on my screensaver list of pics… thank you.
Feb 18, 2013 @ 06:40:26
He’s a cutie pie, isn’t he? Those pictures were taken in the 1920s.
Feb 20, 2013 @ 07:07:38
As you experience the ebb and flow of this life…..remember there are those that love you and have no expectations other than to enjoy your presence when you are capable of sharing it. (Thank you for the beautiful words above. Your view of the world and your capacity to express that view lifts me up to a higher plain.)
Feb 20, 2013 @ 09:05:03
Thank you, Karen. “no expectations other than to enjoy your presence” is an unbelievable gift. Really, it’s hard for me to believe it most of the time, but your patience and constancy make it possible.