People Person

people personHa Ha.  Very clever, right?  But, there’s so much truth in this, it’s painful.  The rest of the truth is that my bipolar disorder ruined me first.

I had two serious situations this week where I was misunderstood.  The old me, the Sandy Sue before electroshock and buckets of drugs, before losing one life and starting over, before everything I am now, would have squared off and demanded to be heard.  Shoot them all and let God sort them out is, I think, the way that particular saying goes.  That was my modus operandi.  Because I’m so damn smart and enlightened.

Thank the Universe, I’ve learned those self-righteous leanings are mostly delusion and bent ego.  And thank the Universe, I’ve slowly learned to keep my mouth shut.  Mostly.  I still can’t clamp it shut fast enough to keep some spew from squirting out, but I’m getting better at it.  Unfortunately, the only way to practice this skill is through experience.  Ugh.  But, I’m finding a new truth in confrontation—nothing I have to say will make it better.  Especially if there’s some kind of emotion behind it.  I don’t need to be understood.  No one is required to see my point of view.  None of that is important.

Still, it doesn’t feel good to be accused or punished for perceived or future crimes.  And that sharp discomfort is hard for my illness to tolerate.  The stress sings my anxiety and agitation into action, urging me to cut and run, to find comfort, to gather the troupes and set up a perimeter against any further incursions.  The illness turns me away from them and toward me.  What do I need to do to feel safe?  What stories am I making up about what happened?  How do I reorient to this new situation?  How do I keep breathing until the anxiety settles and the New Place is mapped?  What resources do I have?

I have some work to do today, and in the days to come.  Being misunderstood is part of being bipolar.  And part of all human interaction.  I just have to find my way in it.  Without getting ruined.

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Victoria Sawyer
    Feb 09, 2013 @ 08:29:32

    i like how you put it here:
    What do I need to do to feel safe? What stories am I making up about what happened? How do I reorient to this new situation? How do I keep breathing until the anxiety settles and the New Place is mapped? What resources do I have?

    This is exactly how I feel when confronted with one of my trigger situations and when I start having a panic attack. The racing thoughts! It does take time for the “place to be mapped” as you say.


  2. beeseeker
    Feb 09, 2013 @ 10:58:34

    Be steady, keep breathing.


  3. Rev Marshall Wright
    Feb 09, 2013 @ 17:52:12

    IMHO your premise is backwards . . . . . like what others say about you is all about them and really has nothing to do with you, for you are just the mirror for them to witness themselves, That they seldom take the opportunity is not your responsibility either.

    May I suggest your response-ability is to love yourself first; and in the glow of that, love everyone unconditionally for it makes no difference what they say or do. There are no accidents . . . you are you . . . the ‘I am that I am’ . . . HO TO YOUR FLOW Sandy Sue


    • Sandy Sue
      Feb 09, 2013 @ 18:06:59

      I had to read this a couple of times, then read my post again, then read your comments. What I finally figured out is that we’re talking apples and oranges here.
      I totally agree with everything you said. And along with being a mirror and practicing self-love (apples), I have to navigate my bipolar-induced social phobia, delusions, and anxiety (oranges).


  4. pegoleg
    Feb 11, 2013 @ 11:38:47

    Are you saying you think it’s pointless to argue if you are unjustly accused? I don’t know that I agree with that, but I suppose it depends on the specific situation and the other person involved. Some people are immovable, regardless of truth. Then again, it’s not always easy to objectively determine truth. I’m sure it’s even harder with bipolar in the mix.


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