A Different Kind of Vacation

handmade greeting cards, collage art

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I’m trying something different.  I’m taking a vacation from my life.

I don’t know if this is brilliant—a true Oprah “Ah Ha” inspiration—or a self-destructive twist of bipolar delusion.  I guess I’ll find out when I’m on the other side of it.

All I can see right now is that nothing seems to be working.  Diet, exercise, meditation, routine, writing, making art—none of these things give me any juice or comfort.  And I’m suffocated by people—the friends I love, the family I love, the communities I’ve joined, the faces I see around me every day.  I can’t fake another conversation, or feign interest, or hold another smile.  I can’t be socially acceptable for another minute.

So, I’m taking a vacation from people and from my normal routine.  I’ll get out of bed when Henry tells me to (he usually pounds on the closet door around 5:00, but some mornings he lets me sleep in).  I’ll pay attention to what seems to need attention.  I’ll see what rises.  I’ll go out, move, watch and listen.  And I’ll see what happens.

This is more than a vacation.  This is coming to terms with my life as it is, not what it might be in the future, not what it was in the past.  It’s coming to terms with who I am, not the girl I was, not who I think I should be, not who I dreamed I’d be.  Maybe this vacation will be a sort of practice in sitting companionably with myself, my real self.  Maybe I’ll finally see her.  Maybe this won’t be a vacation at all, but a new way of living.

I won’t know until I start.

Today.

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17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kitty
    Jan 17, 2013 @ 08:20:50

    Sometimes, when I get to that place of “nothing seems to be working” I remind myself that it took me an entire lifetime to become who I was up until this moment… And all the new strategies and new ways of being healthier are just that… they’re new. It takes time for “new” to become regular, easier, comfortable. New has to be around a pretty long time before it’s not new… before it’s simply “what is” now. It seems to me that this “vacation” is a lovely way to honor your self in this moment and to allow yourself whatever time you need to just be. It all takes time and, God, it’s hard to just be patient.

    Send me a postcard. “Having a wonderful time. Glad you’re not here.” 🙂

    Loving you.

    Reply

  2. Sheryl Mae
    Jan 17, 2013 @ 09:04:31

    Not sure what to say. I know you have tried so hard to hold your life together by doing a lot of things that have been good for your life but perhaps a vacation is what you need. Maybe it will be like this vacation of mine that has shown me that I don’t need to be in south Texas but to relish my own space at home. Just know that I love you.

    Reply

  3. Anita S
    Jan 17, 2013 @ 09:59:48

    Kudos to you for making this choice to meet your own needs as they arise! I wish you the best.
    BTW love the Star Trek card! 🙂

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Jan 17, 2013 @ 15:24:23

      I really appreciate the support. It’s hard to know if I’m doing anything positive right now. And thanks for liking my geek streak. I have lots more ST cards on my Etsy site, if you want to take a look.

      Reply

  4. ejw22
    Jan 17, 2013 @ 10:00:16

    This is my favorite part: not the girl I was, not who I think I should be, not who I dreamed I’d be.
    And I’d also add: not who they think I should be.
    Probably nobody cares that much to “think I should be” something anyways.

    Reply

  5. Bev Taggart
    Jan 17, 2013 @ 13:24:44

    Thank you for expressing what I couldn’t. I wish you peace from your storm. I hope you will share when your weather is easier to live with. Hugging you in absentia.

    Reply

  6. pegoleg
    Jan 17, 2013 @ 16:21:43

    A vacation from daily life…sounds so very appealing. Although my life is pretty good. I have nothing to complain about, so it’s practically inexcusable to feel (so often lately,) that I want to step into somebody else’s. Almost anybody else’s life. Maybe these feelings are a function of our age (I’m 53- you’re about or a little less than that, aren’t you Sandy?) more than anything. I don’t know.

    Anyway, I hope you return from your vacation rested, refreshed, and without a weird farmer-tan.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Jan 17, 2013 @ 19:33:55

      Everybody needs a break, even if their lives are lovely and fulfilling. And then there’s that middle-aged angst we have to work through (yeah, I’m 55) when all those hot guys could actually be our *sons*!!

      Reply

  7. Littlesundog
    Jan 17, 2013 @ 21:39:06

    Tomorrow is supposed to be warm here and I’m setting out for the old river channel. I’m taking the camera and hoping to catch a glimpse of Daisy girl… or whatever else I find (hopefully no wild hogs!). I’ve felt isolated lately and maybe I need to tap into that… spend some alone time. I think escaping, or cutting out… whatever you call it, is a good thing. When nothing else works I just try to tap into the quiet… and listen. Tell Henry to take a chill pill this week!

    Reply

  8. Morbid Insanity
    Jan 18, 2013 @ 11:40:30

    “I’m taking a vacation from my life.”
    I enjoyed the idea! I’ll consider the same to my life. I hope it works to you.

    Reply

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