A Higher Pressure System

handmade cards, collage artI’m enjoying a stretch of pleasant mental weather—two weeks’ worth so far, which is the best Christmas present the Universe could have given me.  After almost four months of depression and rapid cycling, it took me a few days to recognize what was happening.  I started enjoying my coffee.  And then I laughed at something my cats did.

“Oh, that’s right,” I thought.  “I have fun sometimes.”

Bit by bit, parts of me that had fallen off during the Storm Season drifted back.  My boundaries firmed up.  My thinking untwisted.  I could concentrate for more than 15 minutes at a time.

I felt like a beachcomber, collecting driftwood and sea glass the surf dragged up on the sand.  I found ideas for a short story that had been stuck.  I started cooking simple meals again.  And when the snow storm hit on Wednesday night (a real storm, not a mental one), I relaxed in my apartment without the itchy need to bolt.

This time when the bipolar weather cleared, fantasy loosened its grip.  I’m much more content to interact with my real friends instead of the ones in my head.  I have the energy to give them my attention and can actually enjoy our time together.  This is very different from a few weeks ago when I forced myself to “be social.”  Intellectually, I knew how important it was to seek companionship, but I felt little more than annoyance, exhaustion and loneliness.  I think the ability to enjoy the real people in my life is the biggest barometer of my weather.  People are hard.  In sunny weather, they’re easier.

Today, as I walked the track at the Y, a thought stuck me.  This is my life.  And that is my life, too.  Whether I’m stable, depressed, manic or all of those at the same time, I need to live my life.  Not wait for some event or some person to get things started.  Not wish or want my time away.  Not start each sentence with “When…”

I want to live each moment—sun or storm, stripped-down or fully accessorized.  I’ll forget, but will remember.  I’ll fall, but pull myself back up.  In the moment.  Right now.  If I can do that, maybe I can carry a bit of sunshine back into the hurricane when it hits again.  Who knows?

I’m on an Adventure.

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. littlesundog
    Dec 22, 2012 @ 18:53:13

    If we could all just live in the moment, wouldn’t it be a wonderful world?


  2. Fork in My Eye
    Dec 25, 2012 @ 07:32:01

    I agree. People are hard. I’m glad you’re able to enjoy them right now. What a great gift. Here’s hoping the weather holds.


  3. pegoleg
    Dec 25, 2012 @ 08:38:24

    What wonderful advice for all of us!!


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