Inside the Distortion

handmade cards, collage art, Leonard NimoyJournal Entry:                   Monday December 3, 2012

I’m in a weird purgatorial place, full of angst and thrashing against my life.  Yesterday, Penny rescued me.  We went to Des Moines after Fellowship—shopped, went to Hu Hot, laughed and had real conversation.  She talked about what a gift I was to her and Karen, how much I benefit their lives and what I give to others.  It made me cry.  Makes me cry now.  I feel so lost.  It’s not that I think I’m worthless.  I know I’m skilled and offer something of value.  And I know that’s important and necessary for my own wellbeing.

But, it’s not enough.

It’s not enough to beat back the darkness.  It’s not enough to stop the wanting.  It’s not enough to fill the hole.

Last night before bed, I ticked off my blessings for the day.  When I came to Penny, I was thankful for this honeymoon period of friendship—before I screw it up like I have all my other relationships.  I haven’t hurt her too badly yet, broken her trust or lied to her.  I haven’t scared her too much yet, or dragged her through a suicide attempt.  I haven’t strangled her with neediness or used up her generosity.

But it will come.  It always comes.  The craziness goes a little too far, my ability to rein it in slips a little too much.  The balance sheet tips and there’s a realization that the price of keeping me in a person’s life is too high.

How do I keep living this life?  How can I keep losing everyone?  I know my thinking is twisted now.  This will pass as the moods always pass.  But what’s left?  What’s underneath?  What’s constant?  Is there something in me that does more than survive?  A part that does more than just hang on to the guard rail?  How do I keep living like this?  How do I keep wanting to?

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. bipolarmuse
    Dec 04, 2012 @ 08:51:18

    Your questions at the end are so relate-able to me yet so heartbreaking. i too have a difficult time maintaining relationships but I am determined to change this. This road we travel is not easy, it is hell, but walking through hell to get to our heaven is work it… right?? ♥

    Reply

  2. Linda Schierman
    Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:50:29

    Again, SandySue, your post, about losing relationships because of your bipolar waysofbeingwith people spoke to me, no, stepped right in front of me and said, clearly, “Linda, THIS is what you have been skirting around lately, peeking at your somewhatbleakofpeople life and the behavior/insidestuff that always, eventually, or lately, rightaway kicks in and, …uh, well, the choices you “felt” you had to make that distanced yourself from some… Yes, people come and go in “normal” people’s lives, but the innerexperience I have is usually the same, which you described quite well. Conclusion was a tentative “betterinthelongrun” (no marriages broken, no children scarred, etc) but damn it, as I was a bit high on my powerful imagining having a “close friendship/lover” with someone I know. This running words together to create a “tighter meaning” is new…hmmmm. But works for me. I’m very fortunate my immediate family and I have over the years learned to forgive and keep on loving, even though we built very differently. Lucky me. I’m almost 65 yrs old and only diagnosed 6 years ago …and, yes, everything fell into place, made sense of my life with that information. LindaNoel Date: Tue, 4 Dec 2012 11:21:13 +0000 To: lnoels@hotmail.com

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 16:53:53

      Linda, the editor in my started to “fix” those run-together words, then I got it. This is how manic sounds in my head, so I’m wondering if that’s happening over there as well. “Somewhat bleakofpeople” will be my new catch phrase.

      Reply

  3. littlesundog
    Dec 04, 2012 @ 12:06:23

    You are such a beautiful soul, Sandy. Your honesty and willingness to face the craziness and share it with us, helps us all to feel a little bit better about our own inner turmoil. We feel the crazy feelings, the twisted thoughts, and we struggle to survive at times too… but we don’t speak of it. I feel so very alone at times, dealing with an insane moment, and sadly, I know I dare not speak of it. You, on the other hand, are open, honest and yes… constant. Your honesty and genuine nature inspires me. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are more of a treasure than you realize, my friend!

    Reply

  4. Penny
    Dec 04, 2012 @ 13:00:02

    Sandy Dear,
    It’s not going to happen. You are a treasure. I treasure you. You are such a gift to this screwed up world!
    Love you and look forward to seeing you when I get back to town!
    Penny

    Reply

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