Today the bipolar pendulum swings deep into depression. The drive to sleep through it, to eat through it, pulls me like beefy fists wrapped around my shirt with another pushing me from behind. I can’t quite stay on my feet.
But between the muggings, I keep breathing as mindfully as I’m able. I keep walking, placing one foot intentionally before the other. I look in the mirror and practice smiling. I tally what I eat. I move my limbs, so wooden, through the water in Penny’s pool. I notice how I consider Penny as a safe haven for my cats should I chose to leave them behind, and acknowledge the death thoughts as part of the pendulum swing. A swish of air is all.
No movies to escape to today, so I must be creative in my distraction when creativity is impossible. I will plug in my ear buds and walk. Then, ride my friends’ stationary bike. Then, walk some more. Because I can do this without thinking about it too much. Because the exercise will make me feel better.
And the pendulum swings.
SandySue Altered
Aug 18, 2012 @ 17:17:57
You are such a creative writer! I get a mental picture of the “beefy fists” and “muggings”, having an understanding of these feelings myself at times. Keep with the mindfulness and distractions… stay on the exercise path and muddle through the muck and mire. Every minute, every hour you make progress.
I love todays artwork. It is indeed, up to us to become our own hero!
Aug 18, 2012 @ 19:01:30
Your sweet words always touch me, but even more so today. Thank you for your friendship and endless kindness.
Aug 18, 2012 @ 19:46:02
I can find you even in the dark!!! I love you, Subby!
Aug 19, 2012 @ 07:35:04
I love you, too, Catwoman.
Aug 19, 2012 @ 08:23:16
“A swish of air is all.” Beautiful writing. Hang in there. I hope it swings back soon.
Aug 19, 2012 @ 15:56:48
Me, too, also.
Aug 19, 2012 @ 19:24:52
Sorry to hear you’ve swung in this direction. I know that leaden feeling all too well. Keep placing those feet, one in front of the other. Slowly walk your way to a better place, my friend.
Hugs,
Kathy
Aug 19, 2012 @ 20:47:38
I think it was inevitable with my goofy schedule and the rage monster bellowing most of the week. Just part of the joy of being me.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 09:52:33
Dear Sandy, you and Emily Dickinson know that “after great pain a formal feeling comes.” In this “hour of lead,” you know the “wooden way.” Depression is a death lived over and over. “First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.” Be gracious to yourself. Peace.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 14:02:11
That Emily. She knew the territory.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 10:11:34
Hope you’re feeling better soon.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 14:01:28
Thanks so much. That’s the thing about pendulums, they always swing.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 11:01:07
I’m sorry, Sandy. Hang on and keep doing those things that keep you moving forward.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 13:59:54
I appreciate your kindness, Peg, especially since I come to this place again and again.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 21:35:47
Sandy, you truly are one of MY heroes.
Aug 21, 2012 @ 17:51:45
I’m speechless.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 23:18:19
Sandy Sue i hope the August sun smiles on your day
Aug 21, 2012 @ 17:52:18
Thanks, David. It is a glorious day here.
Aug 21, 2012 @ 11:22:07
the pendulum swings….for all of us….and this too will pass….and return and you know all this and I think you know that you are walking a heroic path and not just for yourself……and before we know it the Bad Ass is back again!
Aug 21, 2012 @ 17:54:59
That’s exactly it. Back and forth. And the practice is always to let the pendulum swing without grasping. Okay, so easier said than done, but it’s the practice that’s important for me (us?) not where the dang thing is on it’s arc.
Aug 25, 2012 @ 10:21:50
it is the practice to not grasp and when we grasp to let go. Much easier said than done.
But what else is there to do between…..
Aug 26, 2012 @ 07:08:27
Exactly.