What a wacky week.
On one hand, the rapid cycling and slow-motion despair dragged me into a “What’s the Use?” thought loop that quickly spiraled into suicidal ideation. On the other hand, I was this month’s Biggest Loser at TOPS with a 9.6 pound weight loss. The fact that I made it out the other side of this bipolar frenzy makes me know, deep in my soul, that I can make it through anything. I told a friend, “If I didn’t kill myself this week, I never will.”
And that feels absolutely true. Not delusional. Not wishful thinking.
I could feel the Bad-Ass coming back yesterday, but I had to keep searching for her. My grip would slip, but if I concentrated, I could find that sense of ferocity, that drive to survive and beat back the darkness. That sure-footedness is a little stronger today.
I know I’m not done with the stress of challenging my compulsive eating and changing the fabric of my life. I know the stress will trigger my illness again. And again. But somehow this battle is bringing me back to myself. I’m finding a partner in me, someone I can finally count on to guard my back instead of sabotaging my efforts. A new level of self-trust is forming, a new confidence. I like this person I’m becoming.
Today I have to agree with Nietzsche—That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
SandySue Altered
Jun 30, 2012 @ 08:40:51
gotta love that kick ass red dress but the purple sash just screams for notice.
Glad your still alive – my world would have been diminished had you opted for the final solution.
Jun 30, 2012 @ 15:52:37
It doesn’t feel like an option any more, buddy. Thanks for including me in your gorgeous world.
Jun 30, 2012 @ 09:41:01
that is great that you were the biggest loser! Yeah, the best person to have your back when you need it is yourself unfortunately. Keep it up girl!
Jun 30, 2012 @ 15:51:33
Maybe not so unfortunate. Accepting who I am with this illness–the weak and the strong–seems like the core of a true support system. The rest of the sidekicks are just gravy, then.
Jun 30, 2012 @ 11:25:37
This is so wonderful to hear! And well done for your weight loss- that is fantastic.
I’m starting to feel a similar self acceptance- seeing myself as a wonderful friend rather than a relentless failure! It’s so fantastic to finally get an inkling of how good we can feel about ourselves. Keep up the good work- you should be so proud of yourself! xxx
Jun 30, 2012 @ 15:48:24
And you, too, girlfriend.
Jun 30, 2012 @ 16:10:36
I love this entry. It reflects the depths that you drop to and the strength that you use to come back up. You are strong and strong willed. Having your own back is a huge piece of life. Saying that you like who you are was a moment for me to sigh and breathe. I’m happy for you today.
Jun 30, 2012 @ 16:38:03
Thank you, my friend.
Jun 30, 2012 @ 18:40:40
Dear Sandy, this battle you are fighting within yourself is fierce and terrifying and yet you are able, somehow, to stand back and observe it and applaud the strides you are making. What a wonder you are. Peace.
Jun 30, 2012 @ 21:39:35
Thank you, Dee. The “fierce and terrifying” part is so very true. Leave it to you to discern that.
Jun 30, 2012 @ 20:55:03
Hear my hands clapping for you. I really liked the insight, where you talked of “having your back.” Sure need to remember that myself. You always give me things to think about.
Jun 30, 2012 @ 21:38:10
Thanks, Nancy. Pondering is a noble past-time.
Jul 02, 2012 @ 07:58:40
Love the art work! And I love Bad-Ass coming back… emerging from the darkness is an awesome feeling! Congrats on being the Biggest Loser… Whoooo Hooo!
Jul 02, 2012 @ 17:08:12
Thanks so much, Deer Smoocher!