Satin Breeze

It’s been a hard couple of days—one of those deep depressions that makes the body too weary to move.  Sunday, after struggling through my workout and being sociable with my family, I grabbed a big bag of Cheetos at the Kwik Star and watched a horrible movie on TV.  I didn’t care.  All I wanted was oblivion.  Damn new ways of behaving.  Damn it all.

I made myself nauseous and slept for three hours.  When I woke up with Henry and Emmett both guarding me on the bed, I rolled over and thought, Okay, that doesn’t work anymore.

Today I took a different tack.  I went to my regular water aerobics class, then stayed for two more.  I figured, the longer I moved in the water, the less likely I was to do something stupid (like eat or go back to bed).  Then, I drove to Des Moines to my favorite theater and camped out for two good movies, Moonrise Kingdom and Seeking a Friend for the End of the World.  Quirky (the former) and Poignant (the latter).  High quality diversion at a discount (I had a coupon) with limited access to unseemly snacks (I don’t seem to have a problem limiting myself to plain popcorn at the movies.  This is a gift, thank you, Universe).

The weather today in central Iowa was perfect, so after the movie marathon, I walked to PF Chang’s down the road and sat out on the veranda for a supper of Dim Sum and Wrinkled Green Beans.  Still depressed, I could nonetheless gaze out at the big pond with its ducks and geese, feel the satin air slide over my skin, and appreciate the pedestrians wandering along the walkway  Toddlers bobbed on splayed legs, an elderly couple shared a piece of cheesecake, middle-school boys tried to look like a tough gang.  I breathed it all in, feeling my sadness, relishing the sweet garlic of the green beans, wondering about the little girl in pink sunglasses riding her daddy’s shoulders.

I took a turn around the pond myself, talked to the ducks going tail-up in the water to feed on the bottom, remembered other lakes and rivers I’d strolled around, remembered to ignore the regrets and dark twists my thoughts wanted to take.  I rolled down all my windows on the drive home, letting that luscious air blow through my hair, and sang as loud as I could with my iPod.

I wanted to think of Sunday as a failure, but that’s not right.  Diving back into pattern is expected in this process of change.  Each time I make different choices, like I did today, those old ways lose a little more power.  One binge in three weeks is actually quite miraculous for me.  That’s what I need to focus on, not the dire and dismal that my depression shoves in my face.

So, tonight, as Henry and Emmet settle nearby, I’ll turn my face toward the open window and take another hit of that satin, summer breeze.

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17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fiddle gal
    Jun 25, 2012 @ 20:28:30

    Congratulations on being binge free for 3 weeks!!!! That is really something. The breeze this evening is heavenly! Seeing your cats makes me miss the feline population. They have such good energy!

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Jun 26, 2012 @ 11:15:29

      I do know some dogs who are honorary cats, and some cats that have to be reincarnated dogs, but I agree that kitties do spread their nonchalance well.

      Reply

  2. Kathryn McCullough
    Jun 25, 2012 @ 20:52:56

    Oh, look at those sweet babies. Isn’t it amazing how our little ones (of all species) can help us gain perspective? I think you ARE, indeed, doing amazingly well. I’ve fallen off the wagon as well in the past few days–for me–busy-ness–the same thing that’s kept me away from the blogosphere. Hang in there, my friend. Enjoy the breeze!
    Hugs,
    Kathy

    Reply

  3. carlarenee45
    Jun 26, 2012 @ 05:56:03

    I think you are doing great. Anyone has a binge or two in the process and you have only had one. You are doing good

    Reply

  4. ManicMuses
    Jun 26, 2012 @ 07:44:32

    I greatly admire your ability to keep going even when depression is trying to tighten its grip. Well done, Sandy. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

    Reply

  5. pegoleg
    Jun 26, 2012 @ 09:49:42

    Sounds like you found an inner wellspring of strength to break the chains of those habits. Score 1 pretty good day in the victory column, Sandy.

    Reply

  6. rachelmiller1511
    Jun 26, 2012 @ 11:29:16

    One binge in 3 weeks would be miraculous for me! I barely manage a few days! Think you’re doing amazing… and the exercise too! Well done 🙂

    Reply

  7. rachelmiller1511
    Jun 26, 2012 @ 11:29:42

    Oh yeah- I like duck-feeding too. Have also been known to talk to a few 😉

    Reply

  8. Dee Ready
    Jun 26, 2012 @ 16:20:20

    Dear Sandy, that’s it–one step at a time. And learning to be gracious to yourself is no easy thing.

    Last night, I started to read the book I mentioned in my comment yesterday. The author is a fine writer and I’m feeling like I’ve entered the mind of someone with bipolarity. But I’d be interested in your response. Peace.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Jun 26, 2012 @ 17:43:44

      I’ve got some books coming via interlibrary loan, so when I get through those, I’ll request this one. ECT left me with a reading disability, so it might take me awhile to get to it.

      Reply

  9. littlesundog
    Jul 02, 2012 @ 07:48:38

    Sandy, your writing is beautiful… we all have our struggles, and you express yours so well. I so admire the way you convey your ups and downs. Your gift (to me) is in your expression of the difficulties of each day. I feel a lot more compassion for myself when it’s put “out there” by you… I don’t feel so alone. I have a friend who helps me feel at peace with my inner turmoil. Thank you, Sandy.

    Reply

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